Lord Voldemort: Behind the Basilisk

With the Deathly Hallows Part 2 due to hit cinemas on July 13^th, the impending death of Harry Potter to celebrate and the total domination of the world to plan for, Twitter’s one and only Lord Voldemort is one very busy evil wizard.

Thankfully, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed” found the time to answer a few of Death Star PR’s questions about eternal life, taking over the universe and everything.

DSPR: Firstly, congratulations on being the first “fictional” character to pass 1 million Twitter followers. How does one celebrate such a momentous milestone?

LV: I would tell you but the celebration is revealed only to those who make it to this momentous milestone. Yes, Gaga, Britney, Bieber, NASA & I are all in the know about this secret. Like I said, I’d share; but horrible things tend to happen to people who try and enter my chamber of secrets when they shouldn’t...

DSPR: Speaking of Lady Gaga, she dresses crazier than Bellatrix Lestrange and calls herself “Mother Monster”, and Charlie Sheen recently claimed he was the world’s most powerful warlock. Are today’s celebrities just trying to ride on your cloaktails?
LV: It’s upsetting to me that people feel they can leech off of my fame. I know a thing or two about living off of someone else; I did live in Quirrel’s head.  Let me tell you; while unicorn blood is refreshing and quenches your near-death thirst, there is nothing better than living on your own. (Unless it’s seven of you living on your own in various places of course). These people need to find their own thing. Look at Cedric Diggory. He realized being yet another whiny, wizard, git didn’t work for him so he took up sparkling. Do I advise this route? No. But to each his own.

DSPR: People see your movie star good looks, plush velour bathrobes, exotic pets and all the other trappings of superstardom, and forget that you’re a self-made man. Has the road to success been an easy one for you?

LV: The road to my success was neither easy nor hard… it was non-existent. You don’t need a road to success when you can apparate to success; or, better yet, fly.

 

DSPR: Dumbledore was the yin to your yang, the beard to your clean-shaven look, the dead to your still alive. Are there any positives you can take out of that relationship now that he’s gone?

LV: Well, as you stated, Dumbledore and I were opposites. I plan on continuing our yin-yang relationship & fully embracing the being alive to his dead.

DSPR: Speaking of Dumbledore’s demise, it seems like Severus Snape has finally made himself useful. What are the best and worst things about having henchmen?

LV: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Dumbledore…. well Dumbledore never fully embraced the whole “henchman-are-useful” mentality. I like to think of them less as “henchmen” and more “evil groupies”.  I’d say the best thing about having Henchmen is the loyalty. You know, people like Wormtail are literally willing to give their right arm to serve me. Snape? Well that’s the kind of guy who would never, ever stab me in the back. I mean, there’s a better chance that Hagrid would become a professor than Snape betraying me. As if that would ever happen. The worst thing is that I started some kind of weird trend. Now every group feels the need to “name” themselves. It’s worse than the asinine “couple-naming” that people do.  My name is already ridiculous enough, I don’t need you adding to it. Now there are “Beliebers,” “Little Monsters,” “Smilers.” I think they should all group themselves together and form a new group. We can call them ‘dead’.

DSPR: Just between us, can you share any “Deathly Hallows Part 2” spoilers with us? Is that Harry kid finally going to get what he deserves?

LV: I think you’ll be surprised by the ending. They haven’t let me see it yet but I’ve been promised that it would be completely different than this “book” ending. One that reflects what REALLY happened. As you know from my previous interview, that “JK Rowling” character got into a bit of a tiff with me when I refused her advances. Suddenly I was “evil,” “couldn’t love” and she refused to even speak my name. Drama-queen. She really crucioed my patience so I’ve been promised that this will be a more accurate reflection of a wizard who knows how to make magic and loves playing with his snake. Wait…

DSPR: Between Harry “The Boy Who Lived” Potter being famous just for not dying and the cast of Jersey Shore being famous for being stupid, does it ever surprise you that there are still people out there who don’t want you to take over the world?

LV: It does. It really does. I mean, can anybody get famous nowadays? What happened to the good old days where you DIDN’T want people to say your name? I go around helpfully killing off stupidity faster than Bella Swan can kill someone’s patience and all I get is complaining.

DSPR: When it comes to magic, is it the materials of your wand or how you use it?
LV: I mean, my wand is thirteen inches. I don’t need felix felicis to get “lucky” if you know what I’m saying. That being said, it’s definitely about how you use your wand but when I meet a special lady I’ll let her see what’s inside it…

DSPR: With the occasional attempted avada kedavraing of unaccompanied minors and assorted Muggles, wizards, etc, you’ve developed something of a “bad boy” reputation. Is that a fair assessment?

LV: Listen, I speak the truth (as well as sarcasm and parseltongue) and if that makes me “bad” then so be it. However, I can never be a bad “boy” as I’m not a boy. Really, if you think about it, I’m teaching a valuable lesson. Don’t want to be killed? Don’t suck. It’s as simple as that.

DSPR: Finally, you mentioned you speak parseltongue. Out of curiousity, do snake’s have anything interesting to say?

LV: My snake has a lot of interesting things to say. Ladies, if you’d like to know more, I’d be happy to introduce you some time.

DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been an absolute pleasure talking to you. Thank you for allowing us to enter your chamber of secrets once again.

Click here to read our first exclusive "Behind the Wand" interview with Lord Voldemort. 

How to: Beat Up Chewbacca

So the inevitable has finally happened: you've decided you need to beat up, maim or possibly kill Chewbacca. Maybe you caught him humping the couch one too many times, or growling suggestively at your girlfriend, or perhaps you just thought his pelt would make a fine throw rug for the living room.

Regardless, you're in for the fight of a lifetime, because fighting Chewbacca is exactly like fighting a grizzly bear. A grizzly bear that has the ability to understand everything you say, strategic know-how to play space chess and fly a spaceship, the strength and desire to rip off your arms at will, and a laser gun.

Step one: get your affairs in order. Finish writing that crappy novel you subconsciously never intended to show anyone, kiss the wife and call your children into the study for one last awkward hug before telling them to run along now and turning stoically to peer out the window as a single tear runs into your moustache. Because make no mistake, if you do not follow this guide precisely, you are going to die in a horrible, horrible way.

Step two: join the Rebellion. Getting in is easy - just don't bathe for a week or so, then say things like, "Shyeah, Emperor POOPatine more like it! Amiright, you guys?" during the interview. (NOTE: Avoid overly rigorous high-fiving at this point, as you will need to conserve as much energy as possible for the fight to come)

Next, ingratiate yourself with Han. Stage a meet cute with Han where you "accidentally" run into him in the hangar bay, ending by complimenting him on his brave fashion choice of always wearing tights everywhere. Before you know it, you'll be sharing beers and listening to his stories of the "Good old days" of drug smuggling and murdering people in bars.

While you're becoming Han's best friend, bearly (GET IT?!) acknowledge Chewie, except to make jokes at his expense or get his name continually slightly wrong. Do this for five years until he gets incredibly angry and/or seems about to tear you to pieces, whichever comes first. NOTE: If you let yourself get torn to pieces, YOU'VE DONE IT WRONG. Come back with cyborg body parts and try again, and this time, for the love of God, PAY ATTENTION.

At this point, Chewie hates you. He thinks you're the biggest douchebag in the Galaxy, which is really saying something because he spends a lot of time with Han. Admit it. Tell Chewbacca you've been a dick. Say things like, "Just because you look like a walking carpet doesn't mean I should walk all over you." Maybe even cry a little (NOTE: DON'T LET ON that they are actually tears of happiness because your plan is about to come to fruition). Explain that you want to make it up to him by meeting for some one on bear time at the local Sports and Recreation Centre.

IMPORTANT NOTE RE: VENUE: At this point, Chewbacca might suggest meeting in a forest instead. DON'T DO IT. "But I can use the trees for cover and I did orienteering once in high school and I can use the numerous sticks and stones as rudimentary weapons if I need to", we hear you say. WRONG. The forest gives the space bear the home ground advantage. Fighting Chewbacca in a forest is like fighting a fat kid in a cupcake store, in that it gives them both magical powers, or something. Chewbacca will KICK YOUR ASS IN A FOREST. Sheez. With that kind of thinking you'd be driving home without any arms before you knew it. Thank god you're reading this guide instead of trying to come up with this plan by yourself. You should pay us money for saving your ass.

Meet at the Recreation Centre. Invite him to play a game of space chess but LET THE WOOKIEE WIN. Firstly, if he happens to see your fingers shaking with adrenalin or notices your steely-eyed glare of bear-killing determination, he'll just think you're being competitive. Secondly, Chewbacca will be so smug about his victory that he'll be open to whatever you suggest next.

Incredibly casually suggest a pleasant sunlit stroll outside near the pool. As you walk, distract him with your extensive knowledge of bearkind to really make him feel like you're working hard at this friendship thing, e.g. "Did you know that some male bears weigh in at over 450kg, can climb trees, and run at speeds of over 30 km/h? Or that Fozzie Bear has mauled seven puppeteers and at least one overly inquisitive journalist to death?"

By now you should be next to the swimming pool, duck pond or other large body of water (preferably filled with giant killer sharks that you have spent several years building a rapport with that will telepathically respond to your commands).

Laugh with gusto as you turn to Chewie, holding out your hand. Say, "You know what? I was wrong about you. You're alright, big fella."

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Here it comes.

The second he takes your hand, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS AND PUSH HIM IN TO THE WATER. Within seconds he'll be pulled down by the weight of his own luxurious, incredibly wet, luxurious mane of hair.


Well done, you magnificent bastard. You just defeated the most feared bear in the Galaxy in glorious, valiant single combat.


Of course, if this tactic doesn't appeal to you, you could just kill him Yuuzhan Vong-style, by dropping a moon on him.

An Open Letter to TIME Magazine re: Darth Vader

Dear TIME Magazine,

In your article of June 17, you listed Darth Vader as the third worst "fictional" father. The Galactic Empire takes these kinds of accusations very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that similar accusations from other planets normally end with a rebuttal of the giant laser from space variety. However, in his infinite wisdom, Darth Vader has ordered the PR Department to respond with the second most devastating weapon known to mankind: a sternly worded letter of complaint. So prepare yourself, TIME Magazine, but know in advance that your shields can't repel refutation of this magnitude.

Firstly, how do you define "worst"? Are you suggesting that Darth Vader was evil because he helped Emperor Palpatine kill all of the Jedi? That's not evil. That's just being really, really good at your job. That's bringing balance to the Force, my glossy printed friend.

Now let's clear the air of planetary debris and discuss the Alderaan issue. To the uneducated, kidnapping Princess Leia and blowing up her home planet while she watched might seem like a bit of a dick move, but it taught Leia a valuable life lesson: "Don't get kidnapped." It seems to us that if Princesses like Leia, Daisy and Zelda could just learn this one fundamental rule, a LOT of supervillains would be forced to channel their energy into more productive avenues of work.

So many parents don't even care where their children are, or what they're up to, no matter the time of day or night. Not Darth Vader. When he couldn't find Luke, Vader dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space. This was in spite of the fact that Luke had just become the Galaxy's Most Wanted terrorist, almost killed his dad and blown up 1.3 million of his friends and workmates. Are those the actions of a bad father? He even went to visit Luke on the ice planet Hoth and see how he was going at work, despite how far away it was and the fact that the climate there really plays hell with your cyborg body parts.

For almost 20 years, Darth Vader didn't even know he had children. Did you know that, TIME Magazine? Did you uncover that in your research? But unlike so many other deadbeat dads, the moment he found out, he took responsibility for his son, even saying on camera, "Luke, I am your father." He didn't even ask for a paternity test. Would the third worst father ever really do that, TIME Magazine?

You're going to bring up the whole "cutting off Luke's hand" thing now, aren't you TIME Magazine? That is so you. Oh so predictable. If anything, cutting off Luke's hands was one of the nicest things Darth Vader ever did. Think about it: one quick, relatively painless amputation in exchange for a totally sweet cyborg hand (click here to read about the many cyborg hand-related benefits). Who wouldn't take that deal? You know what they say: "no pain, no gain".

NOT ONLY did Darth Vader improve Luke's life immeasurably by giving him the opportunity to become an awesome cyborg, but he then sweetened the deal even further by inviting Luke to join the family business : ruling the galaxy together as father and son. Just in case you missed it, TIME Magazine, that didn't say "run a plumbing company or a small sandwich shop together", it said "RULE THE ENTIRE FRIGGING GALAXY." So Darth Vader, the greatest father in history, wanted to give his son power and wealth beyond measure, EVEN THOUGH HIS SON WAS A BIT OF A WIENER.

Of course, we could also talk about how Darth Vader saved Luke on the second Death Star, sacrificing his own life to throw the Emperor down the reactor shaft. Or how he became a Force ghost so that he could constantly lovingly haunt watch over his children for all time, but we won't because we think you get the point by now TIME Magazine. You do, don't you?

Now let's put the shiny black all-terrain durasteel boot on the other foot. Let's talk about you, TIME Magazine. Darth Vader is NOT a fictional character. He's been in six biographical documentaries about his life. There are photos of him all over the place. He even recently went to Disneyland. How many movies have you been in, TIME Magazine? How many guest appearances at children's parties have you made? Where are all the photos of you? Maybe YOU'RE the fictional character.

What do you base this baselessly base article on? Where is your evidence, either empirical or epistemological? What surveys have you done, or statistics have you uncovered? Did you even conduct a phone poll of some description? No. Because you're a MAGAZINE. You don't even have a mouth.

Finally, what gives you the right to judge people, TIME Magazine? How many little baby magazines have YOU fathered? Stick to what you know, what you're good at: selling a mere 45 million magazines a week.

Yours sincerely,
The Galactic Empire.


Thanks to loyal Imperial GreatSkeptic for the tip.

11 Star Wars Themed Father/Son Activities You Can Do This Father's Day

To celebrate Father's Day, Death Star PR considers what we can learn from the relationships between fathers and sons, mentors and students seen in the Star Wars films, and how we can apply these lessons in the form of 11 everyday father/son activities.

11) Get Back to Nature

There's nothing quite like roughing it to bring out the MAN in you. There's something primal and inherently good about spending time in the great outdoors. Pitching a tent, hiking, canoeing, and skillfully hunting cute, innocent woodland creatures to death with high-powered guns from an extreme distance are all fun ways to get healthy while enjoying one another's company. And if you think a forest sounds a bit too pedestrian, then why not try a swamp? Leeches, spooky caves filled with psychic manifestations of evil and kleptomaniacal goblins -- what's not to love?

10) Tell Stories

Kids love a good story, but forget telling him stories about dragons and fairy godmothers and anthropomorphic singing mice. Here's your chance to go just go crazy and make a ton of shit up. Tell him his real dad died years ago! Or that he doesn't actually have a sister! Remember: lies by omission are almost as fun! So while you're wildly exaggerating the truth, make sure NOT to tell him important things he should know, like the fact that you chopped his real dad to bits, because let's face it, that stuff can be a bit of a downer on your special day.

9) Play hide and seek

Parents are often so busy working and doing stuff that they sometimes forget to enjoy themselves, or to spend precious family time playing with their kids. But not in the Star Wars universe, where there is a grand tradition of father/son types enjoying all sorts of fun games together. Games like Pin the Lightsaber in the Stomach of Your Friend and Operation: Cyborg Sith Lord edition. Though no matter which galaxy you're in, Hide and Seek is always a classic choice for good, wholesome fun. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader played one game for over twenty years, but even Old Ben couldn't take Yoda's spot as Undefeated Hide and Seek Champion of the Galaxy. Vader and Luke also played a rousing round, with the Sith Lord sending probe droids all across the galaxy just to find his son.

8) Break in to a high security government facility/prison

For the more thrill-seeking father/son combinations, not much gets the adrenalin pumping more than breaking into the most heavily guarded, high security prison/government facility in the galaxy to rescue a Princess. Sure, it may result in dad's eventual death at the hands of his evil magic cyborg ex-BFF but the important thing is, he'll be dead you'll have had a hoot of a time with an incredibly noble death at the end of it.

7) Or gamble on death races!

If you can't think of a Princess worth saving, or believe that a modern day Princess should be quite capable of rescuing herself, thank you very much, but still crave that adrenalin fix, why not sign your kid up for an incredibly high-speed, potentially deadly pod race? Make it more thrilling by gambling heavily and irresponsibly on the outcome, but make sure you use your magic powers to cheat if you possibly can! Don't be alarmed: all of morally reprehensible stuff is OKAY because you're A GOOD GUY.

6) Become One with the Force

We see some of you sad sacks sobbing away as you read this going, "But my dad died, how am I supposed to celebrate Father's Day?" Well cheer up, because we've got news for you: your dad isn't dead, he just became one with the Force. He never left your side. Which means he's watching you right now. He's ALWAYS been watching you. And yes, that means he was watching you last night when you got home from work late and decided to have some alone time on that special website you don't tell your wife about. Think about how much fun you'll have now, doing EVERYTHING TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

5) Confront your issues

There's no greater gift than the gift of forgiveness, except maybe the gift of a giant planet-destroying laser, or at least some kind of huge walking armoured behemoth capable of crushing your enemies underfoot like twigs. Okay, so the forgiveness thing maybe isn't "Top 5" gift material, but it's still right up there. One thing people don't do in the Star Wars universe is avoid their problems. Have an issue with your former best friend/father figure turning against you and trying to steal your incredibly hot forbidden wife? Talk it out. Don't let it fester and turn you into that douchey passive aggressive person. Calmly discuss your issues and move on, which in our galaxy means "Grab a lightsaber and attack one another in a no-holds barred battle to the death, until one of you moves on... to another plane of existence".

4) Visit Hives of Scum and Villainy

Obi-Wan and Luke's visit to that cantina in Mos Eisley taught us that visiting seedy bars is a super way for a father figure and his impressionable young ward to spend some quality time together. Whether you're making friends with smugglers, getting drunk with angry space bears, cutting off the arms of people trying to make friendly chatter, or just watching your new mate casually pre-emptively murder aliens, a great time will be had by all. Well, apart from the people you sent to the hospital and/or morgue.

3) Execute Order 66

If you want a healthy father/son relationship, it's essential to share hobbies that you both enjoy. Things like baseball and video games give you something to bond over, as well as something to talk about instead of doing scary stuff like sharing your actual feelings. They also help your child learn valuable lessons like, "Teamwork, yay!" and, "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well." And if that hobby happens to be the total elimination of an entire order of magical peacekeeping space monks, so be it. At least it has less of a social stigma than making model trains.

2) Build a Death Star

If sharing hobbies can bring a father and son closer together, having a project can be the ultimate bonding experience. Yes, there will be frustrations and times where things don't go to plan, but that all pales compared to the joy of achieving a goal you've been working towards for years. If you think that building a tree house together makes for some great memories, imagine the laughs you'll share looking back on your 20+ year, $15.6 septillion building project that involved draining the natural resources, and utilising the slave labour, of hundreds of worlds.

1) Rule the Galaxy as Father and Son

Cost of building a Death Star: $15.6 septillion. Supporting the infrastructure required to ruthlessly oppress an entire galaxy: $835 septillion. Running the family business together: Priceless.

on 5 supercars that shook the planet

They have set a lot of adrenaline gushing. Many a heart fluttering. A lot of necks stiffening. And a lot of eyes popping. Not to mention, the elitist position they hold in the bleeding edge of engineering and technology.

Yes, it's them supercars that I allude to.

Over the years, supercars have referred to that niche of extreme vehicles which have consistently rewritten the rules of the automobile. In fact, the cult legends that they've become, they are an inspiration for manufacturers making family vehicles as well. They are ground breaking in innovation, exquisite in design and ... one thing they all have in common. They go from point A to point B quicker than anything else on the road.

While a comprehensive list of supercars will be as exhaustive upon completion, as it would be futile to actually complete, here is a personal selection of five of them (in chronological order of their first appearance), that quite literally turned the automobile planet upside down.

1. Porsche 911 (1963-present) 

one of the early Porsche 911 Classics

The Porsche 911 (nine-eleven), was far from a supercar when it first appeared. In fact, the concept of supercars was unheard of, back in the 60s. But as this car evolved into what it is today, it pretty much became the yardstick that other car makers aspired to aim for, while making a supercar. 

Today, the 2011 Porsche 911 GT3 4.0 is as much a full blown supercar as a car can be. A four liter flat-six powertrain that produces a staggering 493 horsepower and 460 Nm of torque, makes this beauty shoot off from 0 to100 km/h in less than 4 seconds, all the way up to a top speed in excess of 330 km/h. 

2011 Porsche 911 GT3

But more so than the numbers, it is however, the legendary aura that this car has about itself that brings it into this list. It was ranked 5th in the "Car of the Century" international poll in 1999, and was one of only two in the top 5 that had remained continuously in production (the other was the Beetle).

The GT3  4.0 today costs INR 11,500,000. That too, minus the import taxes. So, if you want to possess one for yourself, you'd probably have to sell a few kidneys. But then so what. Who'd need kidneys if they have one of these?

2. Lamborghini Countach (1974-1990) 

The Countach in fact, was the first true-blue supercar. Legend has it, that this was the vehicle that Darth Vader was destined to drive. This mean machine was everything that no one had ever imagined before.  It was sharper than a razor's edge. It was disastrously fast for its time, peaking at close to 290 kilometers an hour, and doing the 0-100 run in less than 7 seconds. And it looked like the Italian rendition of Medusa. In 1985, the Countach 5000QV cost $100,000.

Only 2042 Countachs were made, and sold. Too bad you cannot buy one now. Not that you would have bought one back then either, eh?

3. Ferrari F40 (1987-1992) 

Enzo Ferrari was 90 years old when he decided to build the F40. The late 80s-early 90s were a time when Ferrari was losing much of its status and ground to its arch rival Porsche, who had come up with the new 959. The 959 was the most technologically advanced car in that era, and Ferrari needed something desperate to reclaim lost ground.

The F40 did that. And more. It was a car built solely to perform. It had absolutely no creature comforts - not even an air-con or a stereo system. But was made using the latest in manufacturing technology, viz carbon fiber and Kevlar, revolutionary materials, a couple of decades back or so. Also, all panels were made using aluminium to reduce weight.

In the end it showed. It looked like car built for a purpose. To chase down Porsche and prove to the world what the Italian prancing horse was capable of. Not surprisingly, this was the first production car to cross the 200 miles an hour speed record.

Price? It debuted at $400,000 back in 1987, but some customers have been reputed to pay no less than $1.6 million for this piece of brilliance.

4. McLaren F1 (1992-1998)

If the other supercars listed in this post are legendary, the McLaren F1 is so much more than that. In 1994, the British auto magazine Autocar wrote that "The McLaren F1 is the finest driving machine yet built for the public road." and that "The F1 will be remembered as one of the great events in the history of the car, and it may possibly be the fastest production road car the world will ever see."

It almost was. It held the record for the fastest production car in the world for more than a decade. It did 0-100 kilometers an hour in less than three seconds and maxed out in excess of 360. It changed people's notions about supercars, and dropped a few million jaws worldwide. And it cost in excess of a million dollars.

For, quite simply put. This wasn't a car. This was a phenomenon.

5. Bugatti Veyron (2003-present)

This is again, not just a car. On the contrary, this is mathematics. Pure mathematics. Bugatti opted to play the numbers game, and yes, they succeeded darn well. As it stands today, the Veyron SuperSport is the fastest road-going vehicle ever built, doing the 0-100 run in a staggering two-and-a-half-seconds. Yes, you read that right, and by the time you would have finished reading this statement, the Veyron SS would happily be soaring in the realms surrounding 250 kilometers and hour. Flat out, it reaches a record 431 kilometers an hour. What is even staggering, is that it achieves all this, while weighing close to two metric tons! Indeed.

At the heart of this abomination, is a supercharged 8 liter W16. You read that right again. Remember, the 911? That was a flat-6. This is a W16! It's got 16 cylinders, which pump up and down to produce no less than 1200 horsepower. Yes, it's a hairy numbers game going on here, and the Veyron knows its math.

Oh and if only that were all. The Bugatti Veyron is also the most expensive car on the planet today, the base price of the SuperSport being close to €2 million. Which translates to 128,230,118 in INR, minus the taxes. In case you aren't aware, the Veyron is available in our country as well. And to get this one, even your own kidneys won't do. You'd probably have to take the ghost of John Lennon hostage and then charge this as ransom.

That was the top 5 supercars. There are however a few others that deserve special mention. Here they are :

Special Mentions

#1 Pagani Zonda (1999-2011) - Ridiculously low and wide, Horacio Pagani's creation exploded into the automotive arena at the turn of the millennium, and made every Ferrari, every Lamborghini and every Porsche look staid. This was a 600 horsepower no-nonsense, in your face, machine, that could well do in excess of 340 kilometers an hour. And yes, it cost close to $800,000.

#2 Porsche 959 (1986-1989) - the most technologically advanced car in its age, that forced Ferrari to come up with the F40, this German beauty boasted of adjustable ride height, never seen before all-wheel-drive technology and a host of other features. Also, when it was first released in 1986, it was the fastest road going car (it peaked at 315 kilometers per hour) till the F40 took over. Unfortunately, as with all the entries here, it cost a fortune.

#3 Mercedes Benz SLR McLaren (2003-2010) - If one supercar deserves mention, solely owing to its looks, then it would be this. The drop-dead gorgeous SLR, jointly developed by Mercedes Benz and McLaren was a hugely successful sports car and it continues to inspire car designers today. And no, it wasn't just supercar looks. It had the figures too. 0-100 in less than 4 and a top speed of more than 330 kilometers an hour. Suave? Definitely.

#4 Ferrari Enzo (2002-2004) - Named after the founder of the prancing horse, the Enzo was the closest simulation to Formula 1 that one could do. A supercar through and through, with blistering numbers to boot (0-100 in less than 4 and top speed, upwards of 350) this cutting edge mean machine had incredible driving dynamics and was loaded with tech, to the point it seemed to be a work of science fiction. Only 400 were built.

#5 Lamborghini Miura (1966-1972) - this wasn't technically a supercar. The Miura was to the supercar, what Led Zeppelin was to heavy metal. a precursor, more than a harbinger. One of the most beautiful cars ever designed by man, the Miura was powered by a V12, that took it all the way to a top speed of 270 kilometers an hour. Sounds low? Put that stat beside 1968 and you'll see how insane that looks.




So that was that. Of course, the list is far from complete. Forgive me for not including the Lamborghini Murcielago, the Porsche Carrera GT, the Koenegsseg CC and the Mercedes Benz SLS AMG and a host of others. Also, I did not include the brand new additions to the supercar market, because it is still too early to feature them in a "greatest ever" list. These include the Pagani Huayra, the Koenegsseg Agera, the McLaren MP-4 12C, the Lamborghini Aventador and a few others.

Hope you enjoyed reading this. Personally, this was my favourite blog post. Suggestions welcome!

Hoth Battle Kiss

Long, long ago before the Vancouver Riot kiss became the kiss seen around the world, the so-called "Hoth Battle Kiss" took the Galaxy Far Away by storm. Also called "Forbidden Love Among the Ruins" by many, the photo captures an iconic, and very, very wrong moment in Rebel history.

An Open Letter to Beloved Academy Award Winning Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman,

Our warmest congratulations to you on the birth of your son. You've begun the journey of a lifetime, filled with laughter, love, crazy highs and even a few terrifying lows. And to show you just how much everyone here in the Galactic Empire cares, we decided to write you with some parenting tips to help guide you through it all.

You seem like an incredibly intelligent young lady. We read you have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology from Harvard University. Good for you, Natalie. And you did that all while undertaking an incredibly successful acting career? Wow. What an achievement. Your son should follow in your footsteps. Immerse him in the world of books and academia, or even, if you must, let him act. But keep him safe, Natalie. If he ever seems interested in adrenalin-fueled activities, or, say, expresses a desire to be some kind of space fighter pilot, just say no. But in a really motherly way that doesn't make him want to rebel against you and do it anyway (this is where that psychology degree will come in very handy).

Give him freedom (Yes, it's a balancing act, but if anyone can manage it, it's the Academy Award winning actress who gave a tour de force performance in Black Swan). If he wants to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters, let him. Where's the harm in that? It might even prevent him from keeping out of trouble/meeting a stalkery old hobo who will guide him down a path that will lead to the tragic deaths of his caretakers (i.e. you) by rogue Sand People, and the eventual explosion of some 1.3 million government employees.

Encourage him to make friends. We're sure you'll agree that good friends last a lifetime. But help him steer clear of making friends with the wrong people. Sure, that lovably ragtag, yet pluckily rebellious bunch of kids might seem cute at first, but it's scientifically proven that they'll grow up to be douchy space pirates, stroppy princesses and aggressive bears who cheat at board games. Are those really the sort of friends you want for your beloved son? We didn't think so.

This is a sensitive subject, Natalie, but we need to talk to you about Magic powers. Does the idea of your son moving things with the power of his mind, or enslaving lesser people's minds to his will sound good? Well it's not. He'll never get out of bed to do his chores, he'll always win at Jenga and you'll always end up eating whatever he wants for dinner. Think about what an insufferable jerk this kid will turn out to be. That's not the Natalie Portman way. Plus, he'll be trained by strange cave-dwelling old magicians who lie about everything and crazy old swamp goblins who can't even string a grammatically correct sentence together. And that's definitely not the Natalie Portman way.

You are incredibly beautiful but we're sure you'll agree, the most beautiful thing of all is a great personality. Teach him to love and value other people, no matter what walk of life they're from, be it black, white, or planet destroying Sith Lord. Help him to understand that violence is never the answer and war, be it of the Star variety or otherwise, only begets more war.

So if he wants to go bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home, say "No womp rat bullseyeing for you today, sonny Jim. Think of the poor womp rat family that will be devastated by the loss of Mr. Womp Rat when he doesn't come home from work. Mrs. Womp Rat will be totally inconsolable and never quite the same again and the children will grow up without a male role model, leading to lifetime of substance abuse, making a living on the Womp Rat pole. Do you really want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life? DO YOU?!"

And if he ever has a sister, watch those two Natalie. Watch them like a hawk with cybernetically enhanced vison wearing binoculars watches that sexy lady hawk undressing several city blocks away through her window. Never, ever separate them for an extended period of time during which you neglect to constantly remind them that they are brother and sister, because terrible things will happen. Dark, terrible, unnatural things. Trust us Natalie, you don't want the specifics. Just take our word for it.

Good luck to you, Natalie. May the Force be with you and your newborn son.

Yours admiringly,
The Death Star PR Team.


P.S. Thank you for not having twins... or is that EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT US TO THINK?

Passive Aggressive Post-it Notes 1

When you work for Darth Vader, the only thing worse than the constant Force chokes and lightsaber-related workplace "incidents" are the passive aggressive Post-it notes he's always leaving around the office.

Here's today's:

Art by the incomparable Max Harris.

the best mysteries of Isaac Asimov

Isaac Asimov is known the world over as the maestro of science fiction. Not surprisingly, because along with Arthur Clarke, it was he who was instrumental in cementing the roots of the science fiction that we know today. Science fiction had existed before, in the ambitious works of Jules Verne and H G Wells, many of which continue to awe us today owing to their sheer clairvoyance, but in recent times the mainstream popularity of the genre was solely owing to names like Asimov and Clarke. Asimov with his epic Foundation series and ground breaking Robot stories, and Clarke, with his Rama saga and series of Space Odysseys, formed a cult following that has flourished, and continue to grow till date.

This post is however not about Asimov, nor is it about science fiction. Curiously, little known to many, Asimov wrote a host of mystery-thriller stories as well. They were written for newspapers and magazines more so than as part of his full time authorship.

The Best Mysteries of Isaac Asimov is the definitive compilation that contains every single mystery story ever written by the master. The book is divided into three sections.

Stories in the first, dubbed the 'Black Widower Mysteries' are all set at the Black Widowers' Club, a certain stag club, whose members are all elitist upper class Americans. Each story revolves around a meeting of the members of the club where one member brings a guest who has a peculiar predicament. The solution to the predicament and the lead-up to the solution forms the bulk of the story, and it is inevitably arrived at by Henry, unarguably, the most immaculate butler in the history of English literature, second only to Jeeves, (and maybe, Nestor? Umm. Nah.). The solution is, needless to say, sheer genius, and blows your mind. One is compelled to make colon Os and drop their jaws in sheer amazement and wonder at the ingenuity of the plot.

The stories in the second section, dubbed the 'Union Club Mysteries' are equally mind-boggling pieces of art. Here, the protagonist is a certain Griswold, a wizened old man, who lays slumped in one armchair, raising his voice to make himself heard, and to tell long tales that seem to make no sense, till the end, where his tale perfectly fits into the current situation and produces an amazing solution to whatever problem the members have at hand.

The third section consists of miscellaneous mysteries that don't fall in either of the aforementioned sections. These vary in length, plot complexity, but are invariably those wherein the protagonist rarely gets off the chair he's seated in, or moves out of the room where he is.

The thirty-one stories in this book, are better read than talked about. They add a new dimension to the stereotype that the thriller genre has grown to become, and immediately dispenses the myth that thrillers must have action and violence to thrill the reader. The stories are superlative from the literary point of view, and are sheer intellectual masterpieces; there's one story about the mysterious psychic powers of a little girl; another one where the secret to a young man's happiness lies in cracking a cryptogram; yet another where the solution to a puzzle is one number out of one million possible combinations. and yet another where the solution lies in reading a road sign with your head tilted. Moreover, each of the stories, has a lively commentary and an introduction, written by Asimov himself which adds a nice personal touch too.

Insanely arbitrary, outrightly outrageous at times, yet logically, absolutely sound and air-tight, these thirty one riddling tales form a compendium that any hardcore Asimov fan would treasure, and any book lover would love to add to his collection.

Not the sort of book you'd want to borrow from the library, or from a friend for that matter. Instead, the sort that you would want to shell out money for, and possess for eternity.

--

You might want to read this too.

How to: Beat Up Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan Kenobi is one of the most dangerous men who ever lived. He was the first Jedi to kill a Sith Lord in over 1,000 years, offed General Grievous, a psychotic four-armed lightsaber-wielding cyborg, and trained the terrorist who ended up blowing up the first Death Star. But don't worry, you don't need to be a total badass to take him down. Just follow our simple "How to" guide.



Make sure and use our handy visual guide to figure out which version of Obi-Wan you're fighting!


Young Obi-Wan

Okay, let's tackle young Obi-Wan. Warning: do not literally tackle him, unless by "tackle" you mean "run over with something fast and heavy, preferably a spaceship", or "shoot him a lot from as far away as possible". Anyway, you shouldn't tackle him because he has magical powers and will probably see it coming and do a fancy Jedi flip out of the way, then chop you in half with his lightsaber.

Do you have magical powers and a lightsaber? (No, the ability to sometimes be singing a song, then two seconds later you turn on the radio and hear it doesn't count.) If yes, step one is easy: find an evil sorceror willing to train you in the ways of the Dark Side of the Force. Train in secret for 10-15 years. Step two, cunningly lure Obi-Wan and his Master into the nearest industrial complex, preferably a power core of some description. Step three, distract young Obi-Wan by killing his Master (easy), then knock him into a reactor shaft while he's angry. Now comes the crucial part: DON'T LET HIM OUT. Stab him in the head with your lightsaber, Force push him, throw a shoe at him, whatever - just don't stand there and gloat like an idiot.

If you don't have magical powers, don't give up, you can still do this. You see, young Obi-Wan is petulant and kind of a dumbass. He can be tricked, because the Force is with him, but it also thinks he's a bit of a dick, so it will look away instead of helping him when it can. Young Obi-Wan has a secret weakness: he'll always do the exact opposite of whatever Qui-Gon says. So just invite him over to your house and be all casual and say something like, "Hey guy, my garbage disposal is on the fritz! Ain't it always the way, etc, etc," then, reverse psychology him. "Oh, but don't worry about it. Qui-Gon says you're no good with fixing stuff and stuff." Boom! Just try and stop him from checking that thing out. The second he does, you pounce! Shove his head straight into it. His stupid rat's tail hair thing will get caught and within seconds it's game over.

Jedi Master Obi-Wan

Yes, he has a beard now but DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU. To understand how to defeat Jedi Master Obi-Wan, you must first understand what he loves doing: delivering lectures. Give him what he wants and he will be putty in your cyborg hands. Speaking of putty, it will help if you have some. Put it in your ears now. Then marry someone inappropriate. Any Princess is fine, really.

You're ready for the next step, but first make sure you're nowhere near a river of molten lava. There's none? You're sure? Good. Now tell Obi-Wan about the stuff you did, but also mention some other stuff about how you may have killed a few Sand People, forgot to put in your tax return for the last few years and cheated in Monopoly. Just go crazy. Confess to anything and everything that pops into your head but DON'T LET HIM SPEAK. Stop only when his face goes beet red.

This is where the putty comes in. Obi-Wan will unleash a self-righteous lecture of such epic proportions it will rip a hole in the space-time continuum and become the original boring, self-righteous lecture. But you won't have to hear any of it. Instead, you'll just be shaking your head and nonchalantly going, "Nuh uh!" every so often. Let this go on for several hours, the longer the better. Let the little guy tucker himself out. Eventually he'll begin to get drowsy, which is when you stab him in the head with your lightsaber.

Old Man Ben Kenobi

This is the easiest, most effective way to beat Obi-Wan, but it's also something of a long game. Only the most patient Obi-Wan haters will be able to go the distance. But hey, if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing incredibly slowly over several decades.

Wait until he's really old, like pensioner old, and has been living in a cave for 20 years letting himself get rusty (NOTE: during this time, you should have remained FROSTY in exact inverse proportion to his rustiness.). Then pick a fight.

Remember: he's old now. At some point he will get tired, or remember he forgot to drink his prune juice that morning, or his mind will drift off thinking about those darned kids next door who keep kicking their ball into his backyard. This is the moment you've been waiting for! Strike like a genetically engineered super cobra who has arms and a robotic body specifically built for rapid striking.

Congratulations, you've just defeated one of the hardest Jedi to have ever lived. You have gained the rank of Galactic badass.

Fry Day

It's FRY day, FRY day,

Gotta burn your planet down on FRY day!

Everybody's lookin' forward to the world's end, world's end,

FRY day, FRY day,

Burnin' you down on FRY day

Everybody's lookin' forward to the world's end

Runnin', screamin' (Yeah!)

Dyin', dyin' (Yeah!)

Laser gun, gun, gun!

Lookin' forward to the world's end

Star Wars: The Old Republic

Ah, the Old Republic, those were the days. When men were weird aliens, lots of weird aliens were Sith Lords and women weren't all demanding Princesses in need of rescuing.

Back in the old days, before the Jedi went around making up crazy rules like "Hey, try not to kill people" and "Ruling the Galaxy with an iron-encased fist is bad", you could pretty much go around swinging your lightsaber near whoever you liked and if they happened to get in the way and be chopped to pieces, well, that was their fault. Now that's our kind of Galaxy.

BioWare's upcoming massively multiplayer online role-playing game Star Wars: The Old Republic, set to be released in Spring 2011, will allow players to live, and most probably die horribly a lot, in that universe. Here's the amazingly kick ass intro cinematic "Return".

Thanks to @Lordofthemoo for the tip.

Vadercation Episode II: Disneyland

A Sith Lord's work is never done, but that doesn't mean Darth Vader can't take time out from his busy schedule of Jedi killing and dissident suppressing to take a little Vadercation every now and then.

When he asked the PR team to schedule his next holiday, the boss had only a few requirements:

• No lava
• Seriously, no lava
• Holiday venue should be run by a merciless Empire
• Plenty of high adrenalin activities to keep the losing wife/friend/limbs night terrors away
• Lots of attractive yet non-threatening Princess-types
• Constant screams of the innocent a plus

Only one place fit all of the criteria: Disneyland. Obviously. Sit back, use the Force to grab a drink from the fridge and enjoy the highlights from the Dark Lord's Disneyland Vadercation to the all new Star Tours.

Thank you to the many, many Sithizens who sent us the link.

Google vs Facebook : the definitive battle for internet dominance

My blog is definitely not the place on the internet where you would want  to read a commentary on the biggest battle that is being fought on this planet right now. But my fascination with the internet in general and social media in particular compels me to write down my views on the same.

So, Google versus Facebook it is. At first one glance one wonders what sense it makes to pitch the biggest search engine against the most successful social networking site, but you'll see. Hold your horses.

Enter Google.

Since 1998, Google's sole mission has been to organize all the information on this planet and make it more usable. Clearly it has succeeded in the most awesome manner. Starting off as a meek search engine being bayed by far superior rivals, its journey to the pinnacle of internet dominance has been a tale of sheer brilliance, innovation and in-your-face ethics, and till the mid-late 2000s Google enjoyed its pride of place as the numero uno on the web. But then, all happy tales have the irritating worm dangling from the end, which somehow manages to eat its way through and spoil the tale in its entirety.

For Google's fairy tale, that worm was Facebook.

Facebook started off as an ambitious project by a couple of college students to hit on their college girls. Well, I won't bore you with the details of Mark Zuckerberg's story here. But Facemash (as it was known back then) soon became Facebook, transcended the walls of Harvard University and spread like a pandemic. The be-all and end-all was that Facebook's increasing popularity gave the folks at Google more than just cold feet and broken finger nails. And things just kept getting worse. In July 2010, Facebook was reported to have 500 million users worldwide. A bit of math leads to the mind blowing stat that 500 million -- that's a twelfth of entire humanity. Of course, that was a year back, so it's a lot more today.


Let us now analyse some of the important aspects of this epic battle.

The naked truth first, which is simply put, Google sucks at social networking.
Or at least, has thoroughly sucked till date. Google championed the web. But its attempt at social networking never took off in the right direction. The glimmer of hope that was Orkut remained confined, largely to India and Brazil. The much-hyped Google Wave, despite its shizz with HTML 5, remained an obscurity and died an equally obscure death. Google Buzz lumbers on, but has been plagued by privacy issues since its birth and ... let's face it, it's basically a place where Google employees bite each other and grumble about Facebook.

Google's diversification meant that it had multiple arenas to fight multiple rivals. All well established, at that. There is Mozilla and Microsoft gnawing at the Chrome browser. There is Microsoft again, trying to outwit the Chrome OS with it's cloud based Azure. Lastly and more importantly, there is Apple's ubiquitous iOS locked in a death-match with Android.

The aforementioned however are not as much as Facebook's brilliance as they are Google's failings. As for the former, there are a couple.

Facebook's tiny red notification button, for one, was an important feature never seen on any social networking website before. Insignificant as it might seem, that was one factor that set Facebook apart. The user logging in, would naturally be lured by the red blotch on the top, and soon, he would be swimming around in a sea of notifications. It acted like a vortex, sucking the user into Facebook, redefining social networking. Orkut seemed staid after this.

Facebook's 'like' button, however, was the first definitive nail on Google's coffin. Maybe it's a bit too harsh to use that metaphor now, but it essentially was that clarion bell that sounded one fine morning that resulted in hundreds of Googlers all over the world scurrying to work overtime. The like button was an extraordinarily unassuming yet shrewd business move. Within weeks of its introduction every page in the internet, every blog, every brand, and every product of every brand had it's own 'like' page. Virtually every link on the web could now be 'like'd, and the internet thus transformed into a web of 'like's knit together by Facebook, and a certain Mr Zuckerberg leering from atop.

enter Facebook's next big venture, Facebook Mail, and to be frank, it did not turn the world upside down and was light years away from being the GMail killer that Zuckerberg had envisaged. It was a neat feature agreed, that incorporated messages and chat history in simple easy-to-look-up conversations, but it hardly does anything to rival Google's superbly successful GMail.

and enter Google's +1. Remember the Googlers scurrying to work overtime to combat Facebook's cunning 'like' button? After a lot of brainstorming they come up with something exactly similar to a 'like' button but with a supremely lame name. And presto, the +1 button is born. It is easy to see why they couldn't keep the name 'like' -- Zuckerberg would have personally disemboweled Larry Page over copyright infringement in that case. And verbs similar to 'like' are hard to come by, thanks to linguistic limitations. So +1 it was, and +1 it still is. It works exactly like a 'like' button, as you can see in this blog. You like a link, and instead of 'like'ing it on Facebook you '+1'it. Lame ass? Very.


The Question of Originality. But will it help? As it stands of now, the +1 button has exactly the same functionality as a 'like' button. Also, how many people will actually navigate to your Google profile to see what all you have '+1'd ? Quite unlike the teeming millions of Facebook admirers who will pounce upon any link that you have 'like'd that appears in their news feed?

All of the awesome innovation that Google is synonymous with seems to have hit the rocks here, and in a depressingly sad manner, if you ask me.

The important thing in the internet is, unless it is ground breaking, it never really catches on. GMail is a fine example. In spite of having some remarkable features that sets it apart from Windows Live or Yahoo! the fact that it came late in the email business is sorely responsible for its astonishingly low number of users as opposed to Windows Live or Yahoo!.

And so it is, with the '+1' button. I really don't think that Google's brainchild can match wits with Facebook's 'like' gambit here.

The final question remains. Is Google scared?
There is absolutely no doubt that Facebook's advances have shaken Google. Last November, Google announced that it would block automatic import of contacts from Google into Facebook. Coming from Google, a firm that stands for an open web and a motto that states " do no evil" this is surprising. Which goes on to prove that Google is getting cold feet, albeit, a wee bit. But does it matter to them anymore?


... finally enter, the awesome Google Inc.
And that is where Google's awesomeness kicks in. The dominance of the web, which was Google's primary ambition (and is the subject matter of this post) has indeed been threatened by Facebook. But it is imperative to understand, that in the age of the IT, when priorities change within years, web-dominance today is not just about having control over the websites that you visit and bringing the whole internet under one superpower. That might have been the case five years back, but now, with the advent of cloud computing, 4G and web TVs et al, web dominance is a hell lot more than knitting a web of 'like's between websites. And in this new scenario, social networking websites are, but a very trivial component.

Not surprisingly, Facebook has no identity here. Google on the other hand, has an arsenal of weapons to deploy and make the most of these changing demands, and yes, they are the Android, the Chrome OS and the Google TV.

For in the new web, its a different world out there. One that bodes exceedingly well for Google.

Because, as it always has been; Google = Awesome. And so shall it remain.