An Open Letter to Google re: the "Fictionality" of Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine

Dear Goo,

Can we call you that, Google? You seem like the type of innovative multinational IT-based corporation who is playful, easygoing and enjoys a good nickname. We're writing to you because over the weekend you made a horrible mistake, Goo. You suspended Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine's Google+ accounts because you believed them to be "fictional" characters. We find your lack of faith disturbing.

You can’t just arbitrarily decide to cancel a REAL PERSON’S social networking page without even telling them about it or giving them an opportunity to defend themselves first. That's not fair. It’s not like blowing up a planet, after all. 

You know Goo, for some reason a lot of people (like TIME Magazine) have called Darth Vader "fictional", despite the fact that he's been in SIX BIOGRAPHICAL MOVIES AND A TELEVISION SHOW, plus countless books, comics and video games. You can find replicas of him in almost EVERY TOY STORE ON EARTH. Does that really sound like a "fictional" character to you?

What does it even mean to be "fictional" in this day and age of carefully constructed public personas, plastic surgery and media manipulation? Don't we all choose to represent ourselves in different ways to those around us, changing chameleon-like to suit our context? Do any of us really even know the "real" us? Do you know the real Gyougle, Goo? Aren't we all just "fictional" characters in the end? As Shakespeare once said, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

What happened to you, Goo? Who hurt you? Did you unexpectedly have your heart broken by a really Hot Young Lady Search Engine who left you for a more brooding, buffer, Bad Boy Search Engine in Search Engine High School, thus making it difficult for you to trust others? Because we'll be honest, you seem to be constantly searching for something. Something you won't find by tearing down the happiness of others, just to make them as miserable as you feel.

Should they just LIE and change their names to Dan Vader and Eugene Palpatine instead (as suggested by Scott Oldfield)? Is that what you want? Do you really want to create an online culture based on lies, where people regularly pretend to be somebody they're not? What a horrible world that would be to live in.

Maybe it's discrimination. Maybe you don't want Darth Vader and the Emperor to have an account on your precious little social network just because your slogan is "Don't be evil" and they're "evil wizards" who "took over the Galaxy" and "murdered" millions of people. Because if you're going to use "evil" as the basis for your decisions, then we can probably all agree that you'd better start by cancelling Dane Cook's account first.

On that note, how is it that the FRIGGING Hogwarts Sorting Hat, SEVERAL Lord Voldemorts AND Chewbacca still have their Google+ Profiles? Answer us that, Google. Oh, that's right, you can't, because you're a corporation. Did you know that makes YOU a fictional entity of sorts too? No, you probably don't, because you don't even have a brain or a mouth.

Or could it be that you have something against Sith Lords? Is that it, Google? We thought people had moved beyond religious discrimination in this day and age, except against the Jedi, which is totally acceptable. Doesn't your informal corporate culture extend to people who enjoy wearing a plush velour robe to work and who have different belief systems to your own that involve frying the very occasional subordinate with Force lightning? For shame, Goo. For shame. Is that really the Google we've bonded with and come to think of as a good, nay GREAT, friend during the countless hours we've spent searching the web for funny videos of people hurting themselves? Of course it's not. Don't be that search engine, Goo

Perhaps it's just that your recent affiliation with Androids has led you to be prejudiced against cyborgs. Don't get us wrong, androids have their place. Usually that place is poncing about in a black and gold unitard and wanting to become human. But can't you see that cyborgs are people too, Google? Well, mostly human. Okay, AT LEAST 42% human.

Finally, if you can't find it in your cybernetic heart to be swayed by the infallible logic and wild accusations contained above, then we're afraid we're going to have to bring out the big gun: litigation. We hate to bring up the whole copyright issue but the truth is, you owe a LOT of your success to us. Clearly the idea for Google+'s "Circles" comes from Darth Vader's classic line, "The circle is complete." 

 

Does this "Circle" look familiar to you, Google?

And don't even get us started on Google Chrome...

 

So finally, Google, remember that the Force surrounds us, binds us, and can also be used to Force choke us from great distances if we get on the wrong people's bad side. Isn't it funny that "Google" even sounds a LOT like "Gurgle", the last thing most people say when they're being lovingly throat hugged from across the room by a caring Sith Lord? What a strange coincidence that is, right Gurgle Google? Haha. Ahaha. Oh, we have such fun together, don't we Goo?

We trust this will help you make the right decision and restore Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine's Google+ accounts immediately. Otherwise you might find your planet becoming "fictional" by the weekend.

Warmest regards,

The Death Star PR Team.

11 Star Wars Themed Father/Son Activities You Can Do This Father's Day

To celebrate Father's Day, Death Star PR considers what we can learn from the relationships between fathers and sons, mentors and students seen in the Star Wars films, and how we can apply these lessons in the form of 11 everyday father/son activities.

11) Get Back to Nature

There's nothing quite like roughing it to bring out the MAN in you. There's something primal and inherently good about spending time in the great outdoors. Pitching a tent, hiking, canoeing, and skillfully hunting cute, innocent woodland creatures to death with high-powered guns from an extreme distance are all fun ways to get healthy while enjoying one another's company. And if you think a forest sounds a bit too pedestrian, then why not try a swamp? Leeches, spooky caves filled with psychic manifestations of evil and kleptomaniacal goblins -- what's not to love?

10) Tell Stories

Kids love a good story, but forget telling him stories about dragons and fairy godmothers and anthropomorphic singing mice. Here's your chance to go just go crazy and make a ton of shit up. Tell him his real dad died years ago! Or that he doesn't actually have a sister! Remember: lies by omission are almost as fun! So while you're wildly exaggerating the truth, make sure NOT to tell him important things he should know, like the fact that you chopped his real dad to bits, because let's face it, that stuff can be a bit of a downer on your special day.

9) Play hide and seek

Parents are often so busy working and doing stuff that they sometimes forget to enjoy themselves, or to spend precious family time playing with their kids. But not in the Star Wars universe, where there is a grand tradition of father/son types enjoying all sorts of fun games together. Games like Pin the Lightsaber in the Stomach of Your Friend and Operation: Cyborg Sith Lord edition. Though no matter which galaxy you're in, Hide and Seek is always a classic choice for good, wholesome fun. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader played one game for over twenty years, but even Old Ben couldn't take Yoda's spot as Undefeated Hide and Seek Champion of the Galaxy. Vader and Luke also played a rousing round, with the Sith Lord sending probe droids all across the galaxy just to find his son.

8) Break in to a high security government facility/prison

For the more thrill-seeking father/son combinations, not much gets the adrenalin pumping more than breaking into the most heavily guarded, high security prison/government facility in the galaxy to rescue a Princess. Sure, it may result in dad's eventual death at the hands of his evil magic cyborg ex-BFF but the important thing is, he'll be dead you'll have had a hoot of a time with an incredibly noble death at the end of it.

7) Or gamble on death races!

If you can't think of a Princess worth saving, or believe that a modern day Princess should be quite capable of rescuing herself, thank you very much, but still crave that adrenalin fix, why not sign your kid up for an incredibly high-speed, potentially deadly pod race? Make it more thrilling by gambling heavily and irresponsibly on the outcome, but make sure you use your magic powers to cheat if you possibly can! Don't be alarmed: all of morally reprehensible stuff is OKAY because you're A GOOD GUY.

6) Become One with the Force

We see some of you sad sacks sobbing away as you read this going, "But my dad died, how am I supposed to celebrate Father's Day?" Well cheer up, because we've got news for you: your dad isn't dead, he just became one with the Force. He never left your side. Which means he's watching you right now. He's ALWAYS been watching you. And yes, that means he was watching you last night when you got home from work late and decided to have some alone time on that special website you don't tell your wife about. Think about how much fun you'll have now, doing EVERYTHING TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

5) Confront your issues

There's no greater gift than the gift of forgiveness, except maybe the gift of a giant planet-destroying laser, or at least some kind of huge walking armoured behemoth capable of crushing your enemies underfoot like twigs. Okay, so the forgiveness thing maybe isn't "Top 5" gift material, but it's still right up there. One thing people don't do in the Star Wars universe is avoid their problems. Have an issue with your former best friend/father figure turning against you and trying to steal your incredibly hot forbidden wife? Talk it out. Don't let it fester and turn you into that douchey passive aggressive person. Calmly discuss your issues and move on, which in our galaxy means "Grab a lightsaber and attack one another in a no-holds barred battle to the death, until one of you moves on... to another plane of existence".

4) Visit Hives of Scum and Villainy

Obi-Wan and Luke's visit to that cantina in Mos Eisley taught us that visiting seedy bars is a super way for a father figure and his impressionable young ward to spend some quality time together. Whether you're making friends with smugglers, getting drunk with angry space bears, cutting off the arms of people trying to make friendly chatter, or just watching your new mate casually pre-emptively murder aliens, a great time will be had by all. Well, apart from the people you sent to the hospital and/or morgue.

3) Execute Order 66

If you want a healthy father/son relationship, it's essential to share hobbies that you both enjoy. Things like baseball and video games give you something to bond over, as well as something to talk about instead of doing scary stuff like sharing your actual feelings. They also help your child learn valuable lessons like, "Teamwork, yay!" and, "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well." And if that hobby happens to be the total elimination of an entire order of magical peacekeeping space monks, so be it. At least it has less of a social stigma than making model trains.

2) Build a Death Star

If sharing hobbies can bring a father and son closer together, having a project can be the ultimate bonding experience. Yes, there will be frustrations and times where things don't go to plan, but that all pales compared to the joy of achieving a goal you've been working towards for years. If you think that building a tree house together makes for some great memories, imagine the laughs you'll share looking back on your 20+ year, $15.6 septillion building project that involved draining the natural resources, and utilising the slave labour, of hundreds of worlds.

1) Rule the Galaxy as Father and Son

Cost of building a Death Star: $15.6 septillion. Supporting the infrastructure required to ruthlessly oppress an entire galaxy: $835 septillion. Running the family business together: Priceless.

The Greatest LEGO Diorama in the Galaxy

Imperial Employee of the Month Jay Hoff has been hard at work building the greatest LEGO Diorama in this or any other Galaxy. An impressive, most impressive 37,000 pieces of LEGO (as well as, presumably, a scary amount of time and money), including 388 mini-figurines, went into this custom commemoration of the Emperor's arrival on the second Death Star.

This great moment in Imperial history was made in 2011 for Science Discovery Day at Berkeley Preparatory School in Tampa. It uses an Imperial Shuttle Kit with custom designed Death Star hangar.

And yes, if you look closely enough, you might be able to spot a few Clone Troopers and a cameo appearance by Darth Maul, but only because they were really there at the time. Weren't you paying attention?

Thanks to Chris Nagle via Blastr for the tip.

10 Reasons Why You Should Work for the Galactic Empire

With more and more planets coming under the benevolent rule of the great Emperor Palpatine by the day, there's never been a better time to join the Galactic Empire. Here are ten reasons why you should work for us:





10) Earn good money

Well, actually, you’ll earn minimum wage (if you’re lucky) and you'll like it. But on the upside, that’s loads better than having Stormtroopers visit your house in the middle of the night and burning your house down because you decided not to join the Galactic Empire.

9) Great health benefits

Working for the Galactic Empire will ensure you remain in peak physical fitness at all times. After all, what better high intensity fat blasting cardio workout is there than running around doing the bidding of two extremely demanding sociopathic evil sorcerers? Plus, you can forget about Bikram Yoga once you get deployed to a desert planet in full body combat armour.

8) Plenty of opportunities for promotion

There’s literally nothing worse than slaving away day after day, being constantly overlooked for the promotion you so richly deserve. In the Galactic Empire, our on-the-spot employee performance appraisals and liberal use of Force chokes as part of our progressive disciplinary policy ensures there are always vacancies in key management positions for young go-getters. Particularly if you have a flexible approach to certain moral grey areas (like “murder” and “oppression”) and a high pain threshold.

 

7) Travel to exotic worlds

And blow them up.

6) Learn about other cultures

In your travels, you'll encounter diverse cultures, experience fascinating new customs, and be forced to listen to innumerable conversations in alien languages you don'have the time or inclination to understand. You'll also have plenty of time to study their combat methods and tactics in the event that you need to frame them for the murder of unhelpful moisture farmers.

5) Meet interesting people

The galaxy is a vast and wondrous place, teeming with strange and intriguing aliens you couldn't possibly imagine in your wildest dreams. And you'll get to oppress and brutalise them all personally. Or, for those of you who are more interested in hobnobbing with high society, why not consider joining the 483rd Legion, where kidnapping Princesses is their specialty?

4) Face exciting challenges

Most jobs are the same boring stuff day after day. Same cubicle, same coffee place, same small talk, then you die. However, some rare jobs make you continually challenge and better yourself, enabling you to achieve things you'd never have thought possible. Like trying to kill magic space knights with superpowers and laser swords before they can kill you while wearing insanely large helmets that are almost impossible to see anything out of.

3) Stick it to the Alliance

The Rebels talk a big game about fighting for freedom and equality and peace but their track record tells a different story. Would people who love peace really have blown up the Death Star, killing over a million people? Would people who believe in equality really only employ two women, neither of whom are allowed to get involved in the fighting? Why didn't Chewbacca get a medal as well? Will they see Han Solo brought to justice for drug smuggling and the murder of single father and soup kitchen volunteer, Greedo? At least with us you know what you're getting.

2) Work for "hands on" bosses

Most people working for big business or government bodies go their entire careers without ever meeting the men and women at the top. Thankfully, Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader both believe in spending time with their employees, getting to know them personally before choking, electrifying, or occasionally even beheading them to death. You call it "murder", we call it "micromanaging".

1) Be more than just a number

Here in the Galactic Empire, we care about our employees and their hopes and dreams. Unlike some corporations, we view our workers as distinct individuals who are so much more than just faceless, anonymous clone drones. You'll never be just a number to us. Because we care.

WANTED: Luke Skywalker

Earth's most wanted terrorist, Osama Bin Laden, may be dead but rest assured Sithizens, the Galactic Empire's war against terror continues unabated. Emperor Palpatine has personally guaranteed that the "Mission Accomplished" banner will not fly until Luke Skywalker is brought to justice for his crimes against humanity [and assorted weird aliens].

The Galaxy's most infamous terrorist, "Cool Hand" Luke Skywalker is wanted in connection with the destruction of the first Death Star, resulting in the deaths of more than 1.3 million people, moral depravity and practicing Jedism, as well as planning and executing numerous other Rebel terror attacks.

Skywalker is often seen in the company of other high profile dissidents Han "Low Blow" Solo, Leia "Princess" Organa, Chew "Teddy Bear" Bacca, Lando "Token" Calrissian and droid life partners C-3PO and R2-D2.

He is widely known to frequent desert caves owned by creepy old men in bathrobes, goblin-infested swamps, trash compactors and hives of scum and villainy.

Skywalker is considered one-armed and extremely dangerous.

Scissors, Paper, Lightning Fingers

In honour of Death Star PR's 2,000th tweet, Emperor Palpatine has kindly given us permission to print the rules to his favourite game, "Scissors, Paper, Lightning Fingers". The handy instructional graphic and written rules are below.

So enjoy, Galaxy. Play the game at home until it causes heated arguments/bloodshed between you and your otherwise beloved family members.

Here are the rules:

Scissors cuts Paper 

Paper covers Rock 

Rock smashes Saber 

Saber blocks Lightning Fingers 

Lightning Fingers melts Rock

Rock bashes Scissors 

Scissors stabs Lightning Fingers 

Lightning Fingers burns Paper

Paper Order 66's Saber

Saber slices Scissors

Want to play the game everywhere? Of course you do. It's available on a t-shirt here: http://deathstarpr.spreadshirt.com/

A is for Ackbar

"A is for Ackbar" is the ridiculously adorkable Star Wars-themed alphabet created and illustrated by Brandon and Emma Peat for their new son, Tycho. Death Star PR recently caught up with Brandon to delve in to the creative process behind the project. And to find out why "D" doesn't stand for "Death Star".

DSPR: What made you and Emma decide on the Star Wars mythos as your inspiration?
When we first found out that we were pregnant, it was a little scary. It was definitely a surprise, and we weren’t sure we’d be up to the challenge. Since we are both artists, my wife Emma thought that illustrating a children’s alphabet together would be the perfect way for us to not only prepare Tycho’s room for his arrival, but to prepare ourselves mentally as well. After some initial creative head-butting (inevitable when two artists are working together!), the project ended up being very cathartic for both of us.

As far as choosing what to depict with this alphabet, Star Wars characters quickly rose to the top of the list.  We both love it, it’s fairly kid-friendly, and there’s definitely enough material in that universe to cover every letter easily, so we wouldn’t have to stretch when it came time for the tricky letters like Q, X, or Z. And I will definitely want to introduce our children to Star Wars as soon as possible, so this seemed like a kid-friendly first step.

DSPR: Jar Jar is nowhere to be seen. Why the decision to go with characters from the Expanded Universe, rather than the prequel trilogy?
I'll spare you my usual tirade and simply say that the Prequels are not my favorite part of Star Wars, and certainly not something I'll be exposing our kids to anytime soon. And dismissing the Prequels and new Clone Wars stuff as being "for kids" ignores, I think, the fact that they're really inappropriate for kids. As Darth Vader, Anakin does some truly evil stuff, and even as Anakin he's not that great of a role model. Would you expose your kid to a show called The Adventures of Young Hitler? I certainly don't want to teach my kids that mass murder is totally okay as long as you have a deathbed conversion. (Taking things a little too seriously? Sure. But you get where I'm coming from.)

DSPR: We don't, that's exactly how everyone in the PR office was planning on going out, but we digress. Please continue.

The Expanded Universe, however, is probably my favorite thing about Star Wars – the fact that there’s something interesting around every corner in this universe. My favorite EU stories (the Thrawn trilogy, the X-wing book and game series, the Jedi Knight series of games, the Tales of the Jedi comics and KOTOR games, the Republic Commando game and books) I cherish as much, possibly even more than the Original Trilogy. Sure, those movies are great, but you can’t watch them over and over forever. It’s more fun to experience new adventures within that world.

DSPR: Which characters were the most fun and/or most challenging to design?
My favorite characters to design were the ones where I got to squeeze in a visual gag about the character’s personality or a relevant plot point. Ackbar is scared of his trap-like Star Destroyer mobile. Assassin droid IG-88 is juggling a variety of grenades. Kyle Katarn is holding his lightsaber and the Death Star plans he helped steal. Quinlan Vos is spinning a Sith Holocron on his finger, referencing his brushes with the Dark Side. Boba Fett is jetpacking away from a Sarlacc-looking hole of squirming worms.  Han and Greedo are shooting finger guns at each other… and Han shot first.

DSPR: Finally, how much would it cost us to get you to change "R" to "Rebel Scum"?
Haha, if you're interested in a custom letter (or any other illustration or design work, for that matter), you can always contact me for an estimate at brandonpeat.com.  I'm always up for a fun project!

All artwork courtesy of Emma and Brandon Peat. To see the full "A is for Ackbar" collection in all of its glory, or to purchase some of the ludicrously talented Brandon's work/services, visit his website now!

11 Reasons Why Bad's The New Good

Beside the great hair, chiselled jawline, rockhard physique, nerves of steel and the adoration of the masses, why does everybody grow up wanting to be a "hero"? Life is so much better when you're bad. Supervillain bad. Here are 11 reasons why it's good to be bad:

11) You get to be your own boss.

Nobody likes being told what to do or when to do it. As a supervillain, you get to choose your own pet projects and, more importantly, your own hours. If you enjoy a good sleep in, fine. Get to work on that moon-mounted nuclear missile battery after a late brunch.
Also, having lots of henchmen makes doing household chores a breeze.

10) Traditional black outfit is very slimming AND hides those pesky bloodstains.

There's a reason why bad guys always wear black and it's not symbolism: black hides the flab and the telltale DNA evidence in a way no other colour can.

9) You shouldn't judge a book by its black, hideously disfigured cover

These days the business world is all about style over substance. What you do isn't important, only how pretty you look doing it. Unfortunately, those who happen to have a horribly disfiguring facial scar or a robotic claw for a hand don't even get a chance to prove themselves.
Supervillainry, on the other hand, welcomes those with less than aesthetically "perfect" bodies. Indeed, it's those charming little physical imperfections that make a supervillain stand out from the crowd. And give them some excellent fuel for the "building a doomsday device" fire.

8) Plenty of opportunities to show off that maniacal laugh you’ve been working on.

Sure, they may look effortless but really good maniacal laughs don't just happen by accident. They take time and determination to create. If you're going to put all that effort into something, it's good to know it will be regularly appreciated.

7) Murder is a growth industry.

Everybody's going to die sooner or later, so you may as well make some money from it. Plus, we’ve all wanted to kill somebody at some point. Why fight it?

6) Own exotic animals, interesting architectural features and/or diabolical death traps.

Dog? Big deal. Dining table? So passe. Swimming pool? Yawn. Supervillains aren't bound by the traditional. While everyone else is keeping up with the Joneses, supervillains have encased them in carbonite and use them as decorative lawn fixtures. In an evil lair you can really let your imagination go wild. Want a swimming pool under a hidden floor in the lounge room filled with Gorilla/Sharks with shoulder-mounted rocket launchers, or a dining table that converts into spinning saws? Go for it!

5) Money is no object...

When you can steal it from banks using your TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME giant mole machine. 'Nuff said.

4) Lots of available real estate for that secret base on the moon.

Cities become more and more crowded by the day. You can hardly kill anyone without some inquisitive do-gooder finding out about it and lecturing you about the "sanctity of human life" and the "law" and how experimental freeze rays are "bad". But not on the moon, or deep underneath an active volcano. Quiet, roomy, out-of-the-way locations are a steal to buy AND the perfect place to set up an evil lair.

3) It's good "brain food".

Any pimply-faced, snot-nosed 16 year old kid with magic powers, training from a creepy old wizard and a bunch of ragtag-yet-lovable misfit friends can ruin a lovingly crafted, intricately detailed and incredibly devious plan for world domination in seconds. But coming up with that unnecessarily intricate plan in the first place? That's the hard part. Not many people have the initiative and bravely visionary thinking required to change/take over the world.

2) You get to deliver some great monologues.

The monologue is a supervillain's turn to shine. With all eyes on them, the meglomaniac gets to show off their acting range and simultaneously prove just how smart they are by explaining the plan that, up until now, nobody else really understood. It doesn't get any better than that.

1) Being bad helps other people be good

a) Nothing makes a person happy like the endorphins you get from a good workout. If you think that's pretty good, wait until you feel the amazing adrenalin rush that comes with dangling headfirst over a pool of killer sharks with rocket launcher teeth.
b) Nobody ever heard of a hero with a sub-par nemesis. Only by having a truly evil bad guy can the hero be truly good. Which means bad guys bring out the best in people.
Still not convinced? Consider taking candy from a baby. A lot of people strangely seem to consider this as stealing from a poor defenseless being for your own self-gratification, but really, it's just being helpful: babies shouldn't eat candy.

 

 

10 Things We Hate About Luke

Sure, Luke Skywalker is a terrorist and a Jedi but there are loads of other reasons to hate him. Here are ten of the best: 

1. He's an orphan.

Orphans are scary. Despite coming from broken homes and suffering from tragic pasts, these parentless kids always seem to discover that they're the one prophesied to realise some "noble" destiny involving destroying somebody's really carefully made plans by using magical powers they learned from some creepy old wizard guy who's secretly been "watching over" them their whole life.

2. He's always whinging about something.

Whether it's not being allowed to join the Rebel Alliance, or having to go to Tosche Station to pick up power converters, or having his  adoptive parents brutally killed and then flame grilled by Stormtroopers, the kid manages to find the negative in any situation.

3. He has amazing magical powers...

And he doesn't do anything cool with them. Sure, he makes C-3PO levitate to impress a bunch of mutant teddy bears and can do some pretty sweet jumps but why doesn't he crush them all with the power of his mind, or even just mentally untie the ropes that bind him? How come he can't do a simple Jedi mind trick on a giant space slug, or block Palpatine's Force lightning with his lightsaber like EVERY SINGLE PERSON did in the prequel trilogy?!

4. He has poor personal hygiene.

He goes swimming in trash compactors, sleeps in the hollowed out carcasses of tauntauns and, worst of all, spends much of his time living in swamps being ridden by a crazy old goblin. There is nobody in the galaxy who needs a bath more.

5. He got a medal for killing 1.3 million people.

For a "hero", Luke doesn't seem particularly racked with guilt as he walks up to receive his shiny gold medal for blowing up the Death Star 1, killing its 1.3+ million employees. Ummm.... did we miss something here? Everyone gets all judgey when we blow up a few evil planets but this guy gets a medal? Did he even try opening a dialogue or using an aggressive pamphlet-dropping campaign first?

6. The Force will be with him... always.

Apparently there is a BAD kind of killing people that makes you automatically turn to the Dark Side and a GOOD kind of killing a whole crapload of people that is OKAY by ghost Jedi and their midichlorian friends.

7. He wears black.

This is against all the rules of appropriate film costuming and is therefore confusing and wrong. EVERYONE knows good guys always wear white and bad guys always wear black. Here is an instructional pictograph we made to help illustrate the point:

8. He's not a good son.

When Darth Vader tells Luke he is his father, this should be a joyous moment for the younger Skywalker, who finally has a chance to get to know his old man. Unlike a lot of other deadbeat dads, Vader offers to spend quality time with his son doing fun father/son activities like ruling the Galaxy. Luke, of course, declines.

9. His feelings for his friends are strong. Especially for... sister.

Everyone in the Galaxy knows that Luke's feelings for his sister are a little more than brotherly. Want proof? They kissed. And Luke liked it. Want more? Name any other hero in the history of cinema who goes THREE MOVIES without a love interest. Luke is just waiting for Han to slip up and then BAM! He'll slip right in with the old "I'm your brother, I just want to support you" routine. Luke Skywalker? Try Luke Slywalker.

10. He doesn't know a good deal when he sees it.

Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine both offer Luke a chance to co-rule the ENTIRE FUCKING GALAXY. To be clear, this entails lots of money, three personal chefs and your own personal parking space on the Death Star for your executive TIE Fighter. Luke says no. Seriously, who does that???

Have a very Murdery Sithmas!

The Galactic Empire's OFFICIAL Sithmas Greetings card:

From Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, the entire PR team and everyone else here in the Galactic Empire, have a happy holiday... because we're going straight back to oppressing you all once it's over.

Art by becboland.