Bad Guys

Han, Leia and Luke deaths caused by Stormtrooper: 0.

Stormtrooper deaths caused by Han, Luke and Leia: 176,442.

Sorry, who are the bad guys again?

Lord Voldemort: Behind the Basilisk

With the Deathly Hallows Part 2 due to hit cinemas on July 13^th, the impending death of Harry Potter to celebrate and the total domination of the world to plan for, Twitter’s one and only Lord Voldemort is one very busy evil wizard.

Thankfully, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed” found the time to answer a few of Death Star PR’s questions about eternal life, taking over the universe and everything.

DSPR: Firstly, congratulations on being the first “fictional” character to pass 1 million Twitter followers. How does one celebrate such a momentous milestone?

LV: I would tell you but the celebration is revealed only to those who make it to this momentous milestone. Yes, Gaga, Britney, Bieber, NASA & I are all in the know about this secret. Like I said, I’d share; but horrible things tend to happen to people who try and enter my chamber of secrets when they shouldn’t...

DSPR: Speaking of Lady Gaga, she dresses crazier than Bellatrix Lestrange and calls herself “Mother Monster”, and Charlie Sheen recently claimed he was the world’s most powerful warlock. Are today’s celebrities just trying to ride on your cloaktails?
LV: It’s upsetting to me that people feel they can leech off of my fame. I know a thing or two about living off of someone else; I did live in Quirrel’s head.  Let me tell you; while unicorn blood is refreshing and quenches your near-death thirst, there is nothing better than living on your own. (Unless it’s seven of you living on your own in various places of course). These people need to find their own thing. Look at Cedric Diggory. He realized being yet another whiny, wizard, git didn’t work for him so he took up sparkling. Do I advise this route? No. But to each his own.

DSPR: People see your movie star good looks, plush velour bathrobes, exotic pets and all the other trappings of superstardom, and forget that you’re a self-made man. Has the road to success been an easy one for you?

LV: The road to my success was neither easy nor hard… it was non-existent. You don’t need a road to success when you can apparate to success; or, better yet, fly.

 

DSPR: Dumbledore was the yin to your yang, the beard to your clean-shaven look, the dead to your still alive. Are there any positives you can take out of that relationship now that he’s gone?

LV: Well, as you stated, Dumbledore and I were opposites. I plan on continuing our yin-yang relationship & fully embracing the being alive to his dead.

DSPR: Speaking of Dumbledore’s demise, it seems like Severus Snape has finally made himself useful. What are the best and worst things about having henchmen?

LV: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Dumbledore…. well Dumbledore never fully embraced the whole “henchman-are-useful” mentality. I like to think of them less as “henchmen” and more “evil groupies”.  I’d say the best thing about having Henchmen is the loyalty. You know, people like Wormtail are literally willing to give their right arm to serve me. Snape? Well that’s the kind of guy who would never, ever stab me in the back. I mean, there’s a better chance that Hagrid would become a professor than Snape betraying me. As if that would ever happen. The worst thing is that I started some kind of weird trend. Now every group feels the need to “name” themselves. It’s worse than the asinine “couple-naming” that people do.  My name is already ridiculous enough, I don’t need you adding to it. Now there are “Beliebers,” “Little Monsters,” “Smilers.” I think they should all group themselves together and form a new group. We can call them ‘dead’.

DSPR: Just between us, can you share any “Deathly Hallows Part 2” spoilers with us? Is that Harry kid finally going to get what he deserves?

LV: I think you’ll be surprised by the ending. They haven’t let me see it yet but I’ve been promised that it would be completely different than this “book” ending. One that reflects what REALLY happened. As you know from my previous interview, that “JK Rowling” character got into a bit of a tiff with me when I refused her advances. Suddenly I was “evil,” “couldn’t love” and she refused to even speak my name. Drama-queen. She really crucioed my patience so I’ve been promised that this will be a more accurate reflection of a wizard who knows how to make magic and loves playing with his snake. Wait…

DSPR: Between Harry “The Boy Who Lived” Potter being famous just for not dying and the cast of Jersey Shore being famous for being stupid, does it ever surprise you that there are still people out there who don’t want you to take over the world?

LV: It does. It really does. I mean, can anybody get famous nowadays? What happened to the good old days where you DIDN’T want people to say your name? I go around helpfully killing off stupidity faster than Bella Swan can kill someone’s patience and all I get is complaining.

DSPR: When it comes to magic, is it the materials of your wand or how you use it?
LV: I mean, my wand is thirteen inches. I don’t need felix felicis to get “lucky” if you know what I’m saying. That being said, it’s definitely about how you use your wand but when I meet a special lady I’ll let her see what’s inside it…

DSPR: With the occasional attempted avada kedavraing of unaccompanied minors and assorted Muggles, wizards, etc, you’ve developed something of a “bad boy” reputation. Is that a fair assessment?

LV: Listen, I speak the truth (as well as sarcasm and parseltongue) and if that makes me “bad” then so be it. However, I can never be a bad “boy” as I’m not a boy. Really, if you think about it, I’m teaching a valuable lesson. Don’t want to be killed? Don’t suck. It’s as simple as that.

DSPR: Finally, you mentioned you speak parseltongue. Out of curiousity, do snake’s have anything interesting to say?

LV: My snake has a lot of interesting things to say. Ladies, if you’d like to know more, I’d be happy to introduce you some time.

DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been an absolute pleasure talking to you. Thank you for allowing us to enter your chamber of secrets once again.

Click here to read our first exclusive "Behind the Wand" interview with Lord Voldemort. 

How to: Beat Up Chewbacca

So the inevitable has finally happened: you've decided you need to beat up, maim or possibly kill Chewbacca. Maybe you caught him humping the couch one too many times, or growling suggestively at your girlfriend, or perhaps you just thought his pelt would make a fine throw rug for the living room.

Regardless, you're in for the fight of a lifetime, because fighting Chewbacca is exactly like fighting a grizzly bear. A grizzly bear that has the ability to understand everything you say, strategic know-how to play space chess and fly a spaceship, the strength and desire to rip off your arms at will, and a laser gun.

Step one: get your affairs in order. Finish writing that crappy novel you subconsciously never intended to show anyone, kiss the wife and call your children into the study for one last awkward hug before telling them to run along now and turning stoically to peer out the window as a single tear runs into your moustache. Because make no mistake, if you do not follow this guide precisely, you are going to die in a horrible, horrible way.

Step two: join the Rebellion. Getting in is easy - just don't bathe for a week or so, then say things like, "Shyeah, Emperor POOPatine more like it! Amiright, you guys?" during the interview. (NOTE: Avoid overly rigorous high-fiving at this point, as you will need to conserve as much energy as possible for the fight to come)

Next, ingratiate yourself with Han. Stage a meet cute with Han where you "accidentally" run into him in the hangar bay, ending by complimenting him on his brave fashion choice of always wearing tights everywhere. Before you know it, you'll be sharing beers and listening to his stories of the "Good old days" of drug smuggling and murdering people in bars.

While you're becoming Han's best friend, bearly (GET IT?!) acknowledge Chewie, except to make jokes at his expense or get his name continually slightly wrong. Do this for five years until he gets incredibly angry and/or seems about to tear you to pieces, whichever comes first. NOTE: If you let yourself get torn to pieces, YOU'VE DONE IT WRONG. Come back with cyborg body parts and try again, and this time, for the love of God, PAY ATTENTION.

At this point, Chewie hates you. He thinks you're the biggest douchebag in the Galaxy, which is really saying something because he spends a lot of time with Han. Admit it. Tell Chewbacca you've been a dick. Say things like, "Just because you look like a walking carpet doesn't mean I should walk all over you." Maybe even cry a little (NOTE: DON'T LET ON that they are actually tears of happiness because your plan is about to come to fruition). Explain that you want to make it up to him by meeting for some one on bear time at the local Sports and Recreation Centre.

IMPORTANT NOTE RE: VENUE: At this point, Chewbacca might suggest meeting in a forest instead. DON'T DO IT. "But I can use the trees for cover and I did orienteering once in high school and I can use the numerous sticks and stones as rudimentary weapons if I need to", we hear you say. WRONG. The forest gives the space bear the home ground advantage. Fighting Chewbacca in a forest is like fighting a fat kid in a cupcake store, in that it gives them both magical powers, or something. Chewbacca will KICK YOUR ASS IN A FOREST. Sheez. With that kind of thinking you'd be driving home without any arms before you knew it. Thank god you're reading this guide instead of trying to come up with this plan by yourself. You should pay us money for saving your ass.

Meet at the Recreation Centre. Invite him to play a game of space chess but LET THE WOOKIEE WIN. Firstly, if he happens to see your fingers shaking with adrenalin or notices your steely-eyed glare of bear-killing determination, he'll just think you're being competitive. Secondly, Chewbacca will be so smug about his victory that he'll be open to whatever you suggest next.

Incredibly casually suggest a pleasant sunlit stroll outside near the pool. As you walk, distract him with your extensive knowledge of bearkind to really make him feel like you're working hard at this friendship thing, e.g. "Did you know that some male bears weigh in at over 450kg, can climb trees, and run at speeds of over 30 km/h? Or that Fozzie Bear has mauled seven puppeteers and at least one overly inquisitive journalist to death?"

By now you should be next to the swimming pool, duck pond or other large body of water (preferably filled with giant killer sharks that you have spent several years building a rapport with that will telepathically respond to your commands).

Laugh with gusto as you turn to Chewie, holding out your hand. Say, "You know what? I was wrong about you. You're alright, big fella."

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Here it comes.

The second he takes your hand, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS AND PUSH HIM IN TO THE WATER. Within seconds he'll be pulled down by the weight of his own luxurious, incredibly wet, luxurious mane of hair.


Well done, you magnificent bastard. You just defeated the most feared bear in the Galaxy in glorious, valiant single combat.


Of course, if this tactic doesn't appeal to you, you could just kill him Yuuzhan Vong-style, by dropping a moon on him.

The Worst Couple in the Universe

We've been saying it for a long time: Han and Leia are the worst couple in the universe. He's a cocky douche bag who loves his giant space dog more than real people, she's an uptight Princess with daddy (and brother) issues. Not to mention the fact that they're both terrorists, wanted throughout the galaxy for aiding and abetting Luke Skywalker in the destruction of the first Death Star. Basically, they're both terrible, terrible people.

Thankfully, the good folks of OneMinuteGalactica have released the following excellent instructional video to prove it.

Via Topless Robot.

Imperial Oath

In brightest day, in blackest night,

No Rebel shall escape our sight

Let those who worship Jedi's might

Beware our power... Death Star's green light!

The Death Star was MY idea

The good people at Sneaky Zebra have been working hard on the Galactic Empire's latest advertising campaign. Not that we need one, of course.

The Windows 7 parody completely fresh and original campaign shows the public that what's at the heart of the Death Star isn't a gigantic hypermatter reactor; it's the dedicated, salt-of-the-earth folks who give their all day in, day out to make the Galactic Empire great.

TK-421

"It's a bit of a nightmare going door to door trying to find the droids we're looking for. So I had this idea: what if we could just cut out the middle man and wipe out a planet from orbit?"

Darth Vader

"Wouldn't it most impressive if we had a weapon that was insignificant to the power of the Force?"

Chewbacca

"Rrrawwwrrrlllgghhh! Raawwwrrrr! Groawaarraghr!"

I run the Death Star's PR Department, and the Death Star was my idea.

Franchise

Is being a bad guy getting you down?

Have an evil empire but nobody will take you seriously?

Want to own your own Death Star?

Franchises available, enquire within.

8 Totally Awesome Things About Having A Cyborg Hand

A lot of people criticize Darth Vader's decision to cut off Luke's hand, bizarrely seeing maiming your only son as some kind of a "parenting fail", rather than as Vader's way of giving his son the greatest gift of all: a totally awesome cyborg hand.

Don't believe us? You will. Here are 8 Totally Awesome Things About Having A Cyborg Hand:

1) Say goodbye to oven mitts.
Apart from freedom of speech and anti-fascist dictatorship campaigners, probably the most annoying thing in the world is getting your fingers burnt when you go to pull something out of the oven. With a cyborg hand, that will never be an issue again.

2) More opportunities to wear leather gloves.

Forget having to wait until you're driving your douchey sports car before you strap on the leather; covering up your mechanical hand gives you all the excuse you need to sport a fashion forward hand accessory at all times.

3) Be a bigger tool.
Forget Inspector Gadget or MacGyver. Thanks to recent advances in robot hand technology, your robot fingers can become even more useful with a screwdrivers, laser pointer, or even a can opener in.

4) Cyborgs have super powers.
Having a robot hand makes you a cyborg, and cyborgs are supremely cool deathmachines with superpowers. Name one who isn't. You can't, because they don't exist. Davros? Lightning fingers. Darth Vader? Force powers. Stephen Hawking? Megabrain.

5) No more paper cuts.

Congratulations! Now that you don't have any flesh, you are free from paper cuts, food slicing errors and other annoying hand injuries! Added bonus: you can never feel the touch of another person ever again.

6) Handicapped parking.
Although your cyborg hand has given you super powers, the rest of the world doesn't always need to know about it, particularly not when it entitles you to handicapped parking and sweet, sweet government pension money. You better equip that robohand with a stick, because you're going to need it to beat the ladies away.

7) Do funny impressions.

You are going to win charades every single time from now on. Know why? Because having a robot hand means you can do the best Terminator 2 thumbs-up-sinking-into-molten-metal impression ever.

8) Impress the ladies.
Guys, newsflash: nobody cares about how much money you donated to Alderaanian orphans last year, or how long it took you to train as a cardio-thoracic surgeon, or your chiselled movie star good looks. This is the 2011's. Ladies only care about whether you can crush rocks or block lasers WITH YOUR HAND.

So please Sithizens, the next time Cool Hand Luke Skywalker has one of his patented whinges about his dad cutting off his hand, tell him you wish you had such an awesome father.

Hug

You say "Force choke", we say "loving long distance throat hug".

Brokeback Falcon

 

 

 

Sometimes when a Wookiee says they owe you a life debt, they really mean, “I wish I knew how to quit you, Han."

Negative

 

There's nothing worse than people who are always negative.

Yes, we blew up a few planets, but there are HEAPS more we HAVEN'T blown up.

Sorry

Having a Death Star means never having to say you're sorry.

A is for Ackbar

"A is for Ackbar" is the ridiculously adorkable Star Wars-themed alphabet created and illustrated by Brandon and Emma Peat for their new son, Tycho. Death Star PR recently caught up with Brandon to delve in to the creative process behind the project. And to find out why "D" doesn't stand for "Death Star".

DSPR: What made you and Emma decide on the Star Wars mythos as your inspiration?
When we first found out that we were pregnant, it was a little scary. It was definitely a surprise, and we weren’t sure we’d be up to the challenge. Since we are both artists, my wife Emma thought that illustrating a children’s alphabet together would be the perfect way for us to not only prepare Tycho’s room for his arrival, but to prepare ourselves mentally as well. After some initial creative head-butting (inevitable when two artists are working together!), the project ended up being very cathartic for both of us.

As far as choosing what to depict with this alphabet, Star Wars characters quickly rose to the top of the list.  We both love it, it’s fairly kid-friendly, and there’s definitely enough material in that universe to cover every letter easily, so we wouldn’t have to stretch when it came time for the tricky letters like Q, X, or Z. And I will definitely want to introduce our children to Star Wars as soon as possible, so this seemed like a kid-friendly first step.

DSPR: Jar Jar is nowhere to be seen. Why the decision to go with characters from the Expanded Universe, rather than the prequel trilogy?
I'll spare you my usual tirade and simply say that the Prequels are not my favorite part of Star Wars, and certainly not something I'll be exposing our kids to anytime soon. And dismissing the Prequels and new Clone Wars stuff as being "for kids" ignores, I think, the fact that they're really inappropriate for kids. As Darth Vader, Anakin does some truly evil stuff, and even as Anakin he's not that great of a role model. Would you expose your kid to a show called The Adventures of Young Hitler? I certainly don't want to teach my kids that mass murder is totally okay as long as you have a deathbed conversion. (Taking things a little too seriously? Sure. But you get where I'm coming from.)

DSPR: We don't, that's exactly how everyone in the PR office was planning on going out, but we digress. Please continue.

The Expanded Universe, however, is probably my favorite thing about Star Wars – the fact that there’s something interesting around every corner in this universe. My favorite EU stories (the Thrawn trilogy, the X-wing book and game series, the Jedi Knight series of games, the Tales of the Jedi comics and KOTOR games, the Republic Commando game and books) I cherish as much, possibly even more than the Original Trilogy. Sure, those movies are great, but you can’t watch them over and over forever. It’s more fun to experience new adventures within that world.

DSPR: Which characters were the most fun and/or most challenging to design?
My favorite characters to design were the ones where I got to squeeze in a visual gag about the character’s personality or a relevant plot point. Ackbar is scared of his trap-like Star Destroyer mobile. Assassin droid IG-88 is juggling a variety of grenades. Kyle Katarn is holding his lightsaber and the Death Star plans he helped steal. Quinlan Vos is spinning a Sith Holocron on his finger, referencing his brushes with the Dark Side. Boba Fett is jetpacking away from a Sarlacc-looking hole of squirming worms.  Han and Greedo are shooting finger guns at each other… and Han shot first.

DSPR: Finally, how much would it cost us to get you to change "R" to "Rebel Scum"?
Haha, if you're interested in a custom letter (or any other illustration or design work, for that matter), you can always contact me for an estimate at brandonpeat.com.  I'm always up for a fun project!

All artwork courtesy of Emma and Brandon Peat. To see the full "A is for Ackbar" collection in all of its glory, or to purchase some of the ludicrously talented Brandon's work/services, visit his website now!

An office far, far away Episode 6

"Plan"

Follow the continuing adventures of Duke, the new guy, as he tries to make it in the office of an evil Empire. So, pretty much every office, anywhere.

Sometimes Duke takes a sick day. When he does, we find out what's going on in the rest of the galaxy...

Click to enlarge:

Words: Robbie Boland

Art: Kristian Aus

Go to previous episode.

Best Defense

 

The second best defense is a good offense.

The best defense is blowing someone up before they even know they're playing the game.

Old Ben

 


OBI-WAN KENOBI is a creepy old hobo who lives in a cave, does "magic" and "watches over" young boys.


Can YOU really trust him?



This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

7 Reasons Ladies Love Lord Voldemort

It's a fact that ladies love a bad boy. Whether it's the thrill of living dangerously, the hope that he can be changed, or just a chance to stick it to mum and dad, there's something about evilness that drives women wild. But James Dean is dead and leather jackets aren't as cool as they used to be, so what's a girl to do? Wizards, of course. And in the wizarding world, there's no bigger bad boy than He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Here are just seven of the reasons ladies love Lord Voldemort.

1) He's good at his job
Nobody wants to go out with an incompetent bumbler. Confidence and competence are the ultimate aphrodisiacs. Ladies want someone who's good at what they do. Someone who can inspire his followers and push the boundaries of his chosen field. As the most powerful, most feared dark wizard of all time, with thousands of Death Eaters hanging off his every word, Voldemort fits the bill perfectly.

2) He speaks multiple languages

As the world becomes more an increasingly global community, the ability to speak a second language is imperative. Not to mention a great way to romance the ladies. And as far as the language of love goes, Parseltongue is the new French.

3) He knows how to use his wand

Everyone's looking for someone who makes them feel that special spark. As the world's premiere sorceror, Voldemort can make you feel things you've never felt before. Like extreme pain or the strange tingling sensation you feel a second before being turned inside out.

4) He's passionate about his hobbies

 
There's nothing worse than dating a one-note wonder, somebody who has no interests and will bore you to death over dinner with pointless anecdotes about that hilarious time they filled out Form 27-B incorrectly. Modern women want to date a compelling man who has a range of interests. As well as taking over the world, Lord Voldemort's hobbies include sudoku, meeting Robert Downey Jnr. and killing Harry Potter in as many horrible ways as possible.

5) He plans ahead

Some men never think about the future. Happy to just cruise through life, these guys never put anything away for a rainy day, or take out the home insurance you've been bugging them for weeks about. And then one day they're gone and you're left with nothing. Voldemort, on the other hand, always has an eye on the horizon. Between listening to prophecies and making seven Horcruxes to ensure his own immortality, the Dark Lord will always be there for you. Whether you like it or not.

6) He's not big on appearances
Let's face it, most men are sexist pigs. They don't care how many degrees you have, or that you revolutionised scientific thought by formulating a widely accepted, consistent framework for unified field theory. They only care about how you look naked. Lord Voldemort, on the other hand, is a sensitive new age guy who doesn't care about appearances. This is clearly demonstrated by the fact that he hangs out with Helena Bonham Carter. When you have no nose or hair and wear a robe everywhere, you're pretty much guaranteed to be above such petty concerns.

7) He knows what women want

Literally. As a skilled Legilimens, the Dark Artist formerly known as Tom Riddle can read your mind, plucking out your deepest, darkest desires. And then use them against you to further his plans for world domination.


Don't even pretend you're not interested, ladies.

Gangly

 

ALL STAFF:

 

If you see a gangly man in a bow tie with ridiculously good hair step out of a blue box SHOOT ON SIGHT.

 

Do NOT let him monologue, sonic screwdrive or touch anything.

Priceless 2

Building a Death Star: $7 trillion.

Annual Wages: $960 million.

The look on Leia's face when we destroyed Alderaan: Priceless.

One Giant Leap

So, Watson the Artificial Intelligence program designed by IBM won Jeopardy! against Brad Rutter and Ken Jennings, two of the all-time best contestants humanity had to offer.

One small step backwards for man.

One giant leap for Terminatorkind.

 Ken Jennings has seen the future, and it is Skynet.