How to: Beat Up Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan Kenobi is one of the most dangerous men who ever lived. He was the first Jedi to kill a Sith Lord in over 1,000 years, offed General Grievous, a psychotic four-armed lightsaber-wielding cyborg, and trained the terrorist who ended up blowing up the first Death Star. But don't worry, you don't need to be a total badass to take him down. Just follow our simple "How to" guide.



Make sure and use our handy visual guide to figure out which version of Obi-Wan you're fighting!


Young Obi-Wan

Okay, let's tackle young Obi-Wan. Warning: do not literally tackle him, unless by "tackle" you mean "run over with something fast and heavy, preferably a spaceship", or "shoot him a lot from as far away as possible". Anyway, you shouldn't tackle him because he has magical powers and will probably see it coming and do a fancy Jedi flip out of the way, then chop you in half with his lightsaber.

Do you have magical powers and a lightsaber? (No, the ability to sometimes be singing a song, then two seconds later you turn on the radio and hear it doesn't count.) If yes, step one is easy: find an evil sorceror willing to train you in the ways of the Dark Side of the Force. Train in secret for 10-15 years. Step two, cunningly lure Obi-Wan and his Master into the nearest industrial complex, preferably a power core of some description. Step three, distract young Obi-Wan by killing his Master (easy), then knock him into a reactor shaft while he's angry. Now comes the crucial part: DON'T LET HIM OUT. Stab him in the head with your lightsaber, Force push him, throw a shoe at him, whatever - just don't stand there and gloat like an idiot.

If you don't have magical powers, don't give up, you can still do this. You see, young Obi-Wan is petulant and kind of a dumbass. He can be tricked, because the Force is with him, but it also thinks he's a bit of a dick, so it will look away instead of helping him when it can. Young Obi-Wan has a secret weakness: he'll always do the exact opposite of whatever Qui-Gon says. So just invite him over to your house and be all casual and say something like, "Hey guy, my garbage disposal is on the fritz! Ain't it always the way, etc, etc," then, reverse psychology him. "Oh, but don't worry about it. Qui-Gon says you're no good with fixing stuff and stuff." Boom! Just try and stop him from checking that thing out. The second he does, you pounce! Shove his head straight into it. His stupid rat's tail hair thing will get caught and within seconds it's game over.

Jedi Master Obi-Wan

Yes, he has a beard now but DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU. To understand how to defeat Jedi Master Obi-Wan, you must first understand what he loves doing: delivering lectures. Give him what he wants and he will be putty in your cyborg hands. Speaking of putty, it will help if you have some. Put it in your ears now. Then marry someone inappropriate. Any Princess is fine, really.

You're ready for the next step, but first make sure you're nowhere near a river of molten lava. There's none? You're sure? Good. Now tell Obi-Wan about the stuff you did, but also mention some other stuff about how you may have killed a few Sand People, forgot to put in your tax return for the last few years and cheated in Monopoly. Just go crazy. Confess to anything and everything that pops into your head but DON'T LET HIM SPEAK. Stop only when his face goes beet red.

This is where the putty comes in. Obi-Wan will unleash a self-righteous lecture of such epic proportions it will rip a hole in the space-time continuum and become the original boring, self-righteous lecture. But you won't have to hear any of it. Instead, you'll just be shaking your head and nonchalantly going, "Nuh uh!" every so often. Let this go on for several hours, the longer the better. Let the little guy tucker himself out. Eventually he'll begin to get drowsy, which is when you stab him in the head with your lightsaber.

Old Man Ben Kenobi

This is the easiest, most effective way to beat Obi-Wan, but it's also something of a long game. Only the most patient Obi-Wan haters will be able to go the distance. But hey, if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing incredibly slowly over several decades.

Wait until he's really old, like pensioner old, and has been living in a cave for 20 years letting himself get rusty (NOTE: during this time, you should have remained FROSTY in exact inverse proportion to his rustiness.). Then pick a fight.

Remember: he's old now. At some point he will get tired, or remember he forgot to drink his prune juice that morning, or his mind will drift off thinking about those darned kids next door who keep kicking their ball into his backyard. This is the moment you've been waiting for! Strike like a genetically engineered super cobra who has arms and a robotic body specifically built for rapid striking.

Congratulations, you've just defeated one of the hardest Jedi to have ever lived. You have gained the rank of Galactic badass.

Return of the Jedi A-Holes

It's common knowledge throughout the Galaxy that the Jedi are complete a-holes, which is why we heroically ruthlessly murdered them all in surprise attacks. Mostly from behind. From as far away as possible.

They steal children away from their parents and allow those children to participate in incredibly dangerous pod races for their own personal gain. They lie constantly about all kinds of stuff that other people MIGHT consider to be a LITTLE bit important, like the fact that those people MIGHT have a father that's still alive and/or a sister they're weirdly attracted to.

So yes, the Jedi are a-holes, but we have to give these two guys some credit for at least being honest about it. Here's "Jedi A-Holes Strike Back".

10 Easy Ways You Can Celebrate Star Wars Day

May the 4th be with you! 

Yes, May the 4th is here. Star Wars day. The day that we celebrate one of the greatest stories ever told, a story that has captured the hearts and minds and money (soooo much money) of countless fans for over thirty years. Apart from the bits with Jar Jar Binks in.

But it also presents a problem for people who don't live in a galaxy far, far away who dream of one day warring amidst the stars: how do you satisfactorily celebrate the occasion? Fret not humans, Death Star PR has the answer. Here are 10 easy ways you celebrate Star Wars Day:

10. Kidnap a Princess and blow up her planet

This one should be a cinch but on the off chance you don't have easy access to a Princess and/or a planet destroying super weapon, try thinking outside the box: substitute "Princess" for "that snooty girl who lives down the street and always ignores you when you stare adoringly at her through the cafe window" and "planet" for "setting fire to her car".

9. Tell Luke You're His Father

This is a classic Star Wars joke that never, ever gets old. Every time you meet, speak to, or hear of someone called Luke today, tell them: "I am your father. Search your feelings, you know it to be true." If you happen to have some kind of laser sword (or katana blade, axe, etc in a pinch) and a reactor shaft handy, the rest of this scene just writes itself.

8. Use the Force

Don't pretend you haven't "used the Force" to open automatic doors. Everybody has. Well today's your chance to revel in it; really just do it continually all day long. Also strongly encouraged: trying to Force choke annoying family members/co-workers/customers.

7. Have an Epic Lightsaber Battle

We understand that Earth is too backwards to have actual lightsaber battles but for this one you'll just have to make do with toy replicas. If you think about it, what makes a lightsaber battle EPIC isn't just having a super cool laser sword that cuts through almost anything while going, "SchwmmMMM!", it's the 47 minute duel across a variety of exotic, increasingly dangerous locales. Start your toy lightsaber fight in the house, take it out to the street, through the traffic, fall on to the top of a passing truck, then roll off that in to a busy factory that, if you're lucky, will be full of molten lava.

6. Do Jedi Mind Tricks

As much as we hate to admit it, Jedi mind tricks do work, it's just most people don't have the patience required to make it happen. The trick to a Jedi mind trick is this: it's not enough to just say, "I'm not the Lloyd you're looking for". You need to say it one hundred times. Or at least, just as many times as it takes for the other person to give up and either agree with you or go away because THEN YOU WIN.

5. Find the Droids No One Was Looking For

We'll be honest, our Stormtroopers kind of dropped the ball on Tatooine but that doesn't mean you can't make up for their mistakes. How, you ask? Any time today you see anything mechanical that could even in the loosest possible sense be described as a robot, point to it and exclaim, "Look! That's the droid we were looking for!"

4. Get Cocky

Although not generally noted for his advice giving, Han did have one great tip for  Luke when he said, "Great, kid. Don't get cocky." The utter irony of this comment coming from the galaxy's cockiest cock makes it a must that you get cocky on Star Wars day. Do this by saying, "I know" any time someone tells you anything, e.g.
Co-worker: "I'm going to get lunch."
You: "I know."
Co-worker: "Probably sushi."
You: "I know."
Co-worker: "So... do you want to come, or what?"
You: "I know."
Co-worker: "I'm going now."
You: "I know."

3. Time to Imperial March

We'll let you in on a little secret. There is one, incredibly easy, surefire way to go from complete loser to total bad ass in under five seconds: throw John William's "Imperial March" on to your iPod, crank the volume to full, hit play and then stride down the corridor, street, etc. For even greater badassery, play it on a boom box and make a lackey scurry after you holding it. Cape optional.

2. Do the "Obi-Wan"

Remember that classically heroic moment when Obi-Wan cut off his best friend's legs and arm and then gave him a lecture about how he was supposed to have been a good guy while the poor kid was burning to death in a river of magma? Well, you can be just as heroic! Give your friend a series of horrible paper cuts, then throw boiling hot water in their face while you deliver a lecture about how they are a bad friend.

1. Shoot First

Actually, most guys already have this one covered, particularly once the Slave Leia costume comes out.

Bonus: Kiss Your Sister

OF COURSE this is a trap. Rebel sickos.

Scissors, Paper, Lightning Fingers

In honour of Death Star PR's 2,000th tweet, Emperor Palpatine has kindly given us permission to print the rules to his favourite game, "Scissors, Paper, Lightning Fingers". The handy instructional graphic and written rules are below.

So enjoy, Galaxy. Play the game at home until it causes heated arguments/bloodshed between you and your otherwise beloved family members.

Here are the rules:

Scissors cuts Paper 

Paper covers Rock 

Rock smashes Saber 

Saber blocks Lightning Fingers 

Lightning Fingers melts Rock

Rock bashes Scissors 

Scissors stabs Lightning Fingers 

Lightning Fingers burns Paper

Paper Order 66's Saber

Saber slices Scissors

Want to play the game everywhere? Of course you do. It's available on a t-shirt here: http://deathstarpr.spreadshirt.com/

Love

Love is like a lightsaber:

It burns hot, cuts easily, looks fun in movies but usually ends with someone having no limbs face down in lava.

Happy (Belated) Valentine's Day

Cool lightsabers are red

Lame ones are green

I gave you my heart for Valentine's Day

Kidding! It's Qui-Gon's spleen.

Become a Jedi in 10 Easy Steps

Forget midi-chlorians. Being a Jedi is so easy anyone can do it. In fact, some of you may already be a Jedi and don't even know it yet. Just follow these 10 simple steps:

1) Buy a bathrobe. Wear it everywhere.

2) Grow a beard.

(Note: Optional for most lady Jedi.)

3) Don't have sex ever again. Ever.

This should be easy once you're sporting the "bathrobe and beard" look, and even easier if you've already memorised the complete technical specifications of the Millenium Falcon or are the type of person who corrects people's grammar on Twitter.

4) Tell everyone what to do. All the time.
As a Jedi, you should give people advice on everything, whether they want it or not. The key here is to be sanctimonious at all times and keep in mind that you can never be wrong because everything is right "from a certain point of view".
(Note: Works best when paired with no. 5)

5) Be a hypocrite.

Like most religious orders, the Jedi have a strict moral code. It's important to remember that although everyone else should live by the rules, you personally should only follow them when it's convenient. Is cheating bad? YES. But not if you need to win at dice. Is using a Jedi mind trick to make someone do something against their will totally morally reprehensible? OF COURSE. Unless you REALLY need to get something for free off a struggling small businessalien on a backwards desert planet. Is killing people the path to the Dark Side? TOTALLY. Except if they're bad guys.

6) Cut off people's arms.

Just about any reason will do: whether someone accidentally bumped into your friend in a bar or kind of attempted to kill you a little bit after going to the Dark Side, any time is a good time to whip out a sword and just go NUTS on some limbs. Oh, and don't worry: it's not against the law because you're a Jedi. You ARE the law!

7) Live in a complete dump.

Although an out of the way cave in the desert or a hut in a swamp is best, just about any pig sty or student sharehouse will do. As a Jedi, you're above material possessions, or interior decoration, or showers.

8) Be an underachiever.

As someone in possession of amazing magical powers that enhance your physical and mental attributes to levels most people could only dream of, the best thing you can do is to spectacularly underuse them. Sure, you could Force Run at super speed to save your friend and mentor's life (like you did earlier in the movie), or Force Push the bad guy away from your friend while you're patiently waiting behind your force field but why bother? You deserve some you time.

9) Be a bad friend.

Jedi train their whole lives to avoid emotional attachments. Including friendship apparently. So although you'll give off a wise good guy vibe, you'll also have no problems lying to your friend about whether his father is still alive, avoid mentioning the fact that the hot chick he's rescuing is actually his long lost sister, or even cutting off your best mate's arms and legs and leaving him to burn alive in lava. You know, instead of saving him or sticking your lightsaber through his head and making his death mercifully swift and stuff.

10) Overstay your welcome.

You know how every time you have a party, there's always a few people who stick around long after everyone else is gone and just completely refuse to take any of the subtle hints you're dropping about wanting to go to bed? Well, the Jedi are like this but worse: even death can't stop them from coming back to "watch over" you... particularly during your most intimate moments.

Note: this list also works if you replace the word "Jedi" with the word "Hipster".

The 12 Days of Sithmas

Concept by Darth Vader
Words by Darth Vader and Death Star PR

There is no greater Sithmas tradition than singing Sithmas carols. Well, apart from killing Jedi. And eating so much roast Ewok you might literally explode. But after that definitely comes carolling. And the most sung because we force everyone to sing it beloved Sithmas carol of them all is "The 12 Days of Sithmas".

Below are the lyrics for all twelve days. Learn it for next Sithmas. Or else.

The 12 Days of Sithmas

On the first day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me a fully operational Death Star.

On the second day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me two twins a-kissin'.

On the third day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me three clueless clones.

On the fourth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me four cyborg limbs.

 On the fifth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me five golden droids.

On the sixth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me six Star Destroyers.

On the seventh day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me seven troopers stormin'.

On the eighth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me eight Ewoks stewing.

On the ninth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me nine Admirals choking.

On the tenth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me ten TIE's a-fighting.

On the eleventh day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me eleven Jedi dying.

On the twelfth day of Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me twelve sabers humming.

See a Doctor

Does your child:

• Play with his "lightsaber" incessantly?
• Whine about having to do simple chores?
• Take instructions from the voices (particularly of old men) in his head?
• Seem disturbingly attracted to siblings?

The chances are extremely likely that s/he could be a Jedi.

Seek help before it's too late. Consult a medical professional immediately.

Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.