How to: Beat Up Chewbacca

So the inevitable has finally happened: you've decided you need to beat up, maim or possibly kill Chewbacca. Maybe you caught him humping the couch one too many times, or growling suggestively at your girlfriend, or perhaps you just thought his pelt would make a fine throw rug for the living room.

Regardless, you're in for the fight of a lifetime, because fighting Chewbacca is exactly like fighting a grizzly bear. A grizzly bear that has the ability to understand everything you say, strategic know-how to play space chess and fly a spaceship, the strength and desire to rip off your arms at will, and a laser gun.

Step one: get your affairs in order. Finish writing that crappy novel you subconsciously never intended to show anyone, kiss the wife and call your children into the study for one last awkward hug before telling them to run along now and turning stoically to peer out the window as a single tear runs into your moustache. Because make no mistake, if you do not follow this guide precisely, you are going to die in a horrible, horrible way.

Step two: join the Rebellion. Getting in is easy - just don't bathe for a week or so, then say things like, "Shyeah, Emperor POOPatine more like it! Amiright, you guys?" during the interview. (NOTE: Avoid overly rigorous high-fiving at this point, as you will need to conserve as much energy as possible for the fight to come)

Next, ingratiate yourself with Han. Stage a meet cute with Han where you "accidentally" run into him in the hangar bay, ending by complimenting him on his brave fashion choice of always wearing tights everywhere. Before you know it, you'll be sharing beers and listening to his stories of the "Good old days" of drug smuggling and murdering people in bars.

While you're becoming Han's best friend, bearly (GET IT?!) acknowledge Chewie, except to make jokes at his expense or get his name continually slightly wrong. Do this for five years until he gets incredibly angry and/or seems about to tear you to pieces, whichever comes first. NOTE: If you let yourself get torn to pieces, YOU'VE DONE IT WRONG. Come back with cyborg body parts and try again, and this time, for the love of God, PAY ATTENTION.

At this point, Chewie hates you. He thinks you're the biggest douchebag in the Galaxy, which is really saying something because he spends a lot of time with Han. Admit it. Tell Chewbacca you've been a dick. Say things like, "Just because you look like a walking carpet doesn't mean I should walk all over you." Maybe even cry a little (NOTE: DON'T LET ON that they are actually tears of happiness because your plan is about to come to fruition). Explain that you want to make it up to him by meeting for some one on bear time at the local Sports and Recreation Centre.

IMPORTANT NOTE RE: VENUE: At this point, Chewbacca might suggest meeting in a forest instead. DON'T DO IT. "But I can use the trees for cover and I did orienteering once in high school and I can use the numerous sticks and stones as rudimentary weapons if I need to", we hear you say. WRONG. The forest gives the space bear the home ground advantage. Fighting Chewbacca in a forest is like fighting a fat kid in a cupcake store, in that it gives them both magical powers, or something. Chewbacca will KICK YOUR ASS IN A FOREST. Sheez. With that kind of thinking you'd be driving home without any arms before you knew it. Thank god you're reading this guide instead of trying to come up with this plan by yourself. You should pay us money for saving your ass.

Meet at the Recreation Centre. Invite him to play a game of space chess but LET THE WOOKIEE WIN. Firstly, if he happens to see your fingers shaking with adrenalin or notices your steely-eyed glare of bear-killing determination, he'll just think you're being competitive. Secondly, Chewbacca will be so smug about his victory that he'll be open to whatever you suggest next.

Incredibly casually suggest a pleasant sunlit stroll outside near the pool. As you walk, distract him with your extensive knowledge of bearkind to really make him feel like you're working hard at this friendship thing, e.g. "Did you know that some male bears weigh in at over 450kg, can climb trees, and run at speeds of over 30 km/h? Or that Fozzie Bear has mauled seven puppeteers and at least one overly inquisitive journalist to death?"

By now you should be next to the swimming pool, duck pond or other large body of water (preferably filled with giant killer sharks that you have spent several years building a rapport with that will telepathically respond to your commands).

Laugh with gusto as you turn to Chewie, holding out your hand. Say, "You know what? I was wrong about you. You're alright, big fella."

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Here it comes.

The second he takes your hand, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS AND PUSH HIM IN TO THE WATER. Within seconds he'll be pulled down by the weight of his own luxurious, incredibly wet, luxurious mane of hair.


Well done, you magnificent bastard. You just defeated the most feared bear in the Galaxy in glorious, valiant single combat.


Of course, if this tactic doesn't appeal to you, you could just kill him Yuuzhan Vong-style, by dropping a moon on him.

10 Easy Ways to Get the "Leia Look"

Whether she's helping to blow up Death Stars or mercilessly killing Stormtroopers with unerring accuracy, one thing's for sure: Princess Leia Organa is one sexy terrorist. If you want to look like the galaxy's most wanted style icon this season, just follow these ten simple steps to get the "Leia Look".

10) Staple cinnamon buns to your head

Everybody's doing it. You don't want to be left out, do you? And hey, if it's good enough for a Princess, it's sure as Hoth good enough for you.

9) Enjoy a rejuvenating bath

Forget mud baths and cucumber masks, Princess Leia maintains her youthful appearance via a radical new beauty regime: spending time in trash compactors. Bathing in raw sewerage while being slowly compressed to death in exfoliating garbage might seem a bit extreme at first, but Leia's flawless skin speaks for itself. As an added bonus, high pressure life and death situations are a great way to meet that special someone.

8) The Rebellion effect

Even the worst looking person in the entire galaxy will be instantly transformed into a radiant goddess of beauty and light if you're one of only two women in your entire organisation (i.e. you work at a "Sausage Sizzle"). Who would your average scruffy looking nerf herder choose: The creepy old guy in the robe? The whiny farm kid? The giant angry space bear? No way. (Not unless it gets really cold.) Suddenly the overbearing, disturbingly short lady with the weird hair in the form fitting white outfit is looking pretty damn good, isn't she?

7) Get back to nature

Stripping your life back to the bear bare essentials is a surefire way to bring out a more natural, more beautiful you. The fresh air and sunlight you soak up during speeder bike chases will help replenish your mind and soul, and nothing beats the adrenalin rush of surviving high speed bike crashes. Also, let's be honest, being fawned over by feral mutant teddy bears can be a great ego boost.

6) Date a douchebag

Dating a space pirate douchebag isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it does have its advantages. His inability to say, "I love you", and commit to the relationship will keep you in a state of constant anxiety, making it difficult to overindulge on food, or happiness. As if that's not enough, regularly saving him from Stormtroopers or posing as a suicide bomber in order to rescue him from the clutches of enterprising space businessmen will keep you active and ensure there's never a dull moment in your terrible relationship.

5) Take some "you" time

In an Imperial detention block. In between stealing secret plans, plotting the deaths of millions of innocent people on the Death Star and fighting the strange attraction you feel towards your brother, it's almost impossible to find time to just focus on yourself. Thankfully, there's nothing quite like spending time in solitary confinement to help you catch up on some much needed beauty sleep. Not to mention the constant fear of being tortured and/or killed might really help you review your life choices and find inner peace, which is the best way to bring back that inner glow.

4) Have a goal outfit

If you're having trouble finding the motivation to get buff, why not set yourself a goal outfit for that holiday on that secluded desert planet you've been planning for years but never gotten around to? And remember the golden goal outfit rule: the more ridiculously skimpy, incredibly impractical and made of metal your outfit is, the greater your incentive to succeed.

3) Be pursued by a Galactic Empire

A high intensity cardio workout is a great way to blast away the winter flab, but an even better way to stay fit is to be relentlessly pursued by the armed forces of a galaxy-spanning evil Empire. If running away from Stormtroopers, escaping space battles and generally just constantly fearing for your life doesn't keep your heart rate up in the fat burning zone, nothing will!

2) Choose the right job

How many times have you seen somebody gets a cushy office job in front of a computer with a food court nearby and before you know it, they've packed on 30kgs? Not Princess Leia. Whether she's leading the Rebellion from the front lines of the command centre far away from the actual battle, or working as a Slave Girl in Jabba's Palace, Leia chooses physically and mentally demanding jobs that help keep her fit. Remember: murdering giant defenseless space slugs by choking them to death is great resistance training!

1) Have an Awesome Dad

Ultimately, the two most attractive things in the galaxy are brains and confidence. And they both begin at home, with the love and support of your friends and family. Leia's father, Darth Vader, was born a slave on a desert planet, but his daughter grew up to be a Princess, a Jedi Knight and eventual Chief of State of the New Republic. All after his wife, Padmé, died. It isn't always easy to be smart, self-assured and driven, but when you have an the best single dad ever to love and support and occasionally-blow-up-your-home-planet-to-teach-you-a-valuable-life-lesson you, anything is possible.

10 Reasons Why You Should Work for the Galactic Empire

With more and more planets coming under the benevolent rule of the great Emperor Palpatine by the day, there's never been a better time to join the Galactic Empire. Here are ten reasons why you should work for us:





10) Earn good money

Well, actually, you’ll earn minimum wage (if you’re lucky) and you'll like it. But on the upside, that’s loads better than having Stormtroopers visit your house in the middle of the night and burning your house down because you decided not to join the Galactic Empire.

9) Great health benefits

Working for the Galactic Empire will ensure you remain in peak physical fitness at all times. After all, what better high intensity fat blasting cardio workout is there than running around doing the bidding of two extremely demanding sociopathic evil sorcerers? Plus, you can forget about Bikram Yoga once you get deployed to a desert planet in full body combat armour.

8) Plenty of opportunities for promotion

There’s literally nothing worse than slaving away day after day, being constantly overlooked for the promotion you so richly deserve. In the Galactic Empire, our on-the-spot employee performance appraisals and liberal use of Force chokes as part of our progressive disciplinary policy ensures there are always vacancies in key management positions for young go-getters. Particularly if you have a flexible approach to certain moral grey areas (like “murder” and “oppression”) and a high pain threshold.

 

7) Travel to exotic worlds

And blow them up.

6) Learn about other cultures

In your travels, you'll encounter diverse cultures, experience fascinating new customs, and be forced to listen to innumerable conversations in alien languages you don'have the time or inclination to understand. You'll also have plenty of time to study their combat methods and tactics in the event that you need to frame them for the murder of unhelpful moisture farmers.

5) Meet interesting people

The galaxy is a vast and wondrous place, teeming with strange and intriguing aliens you couldn't possibly imagine in your wildest dreams. And you'll get to oppress and brutalise them all personally. Or, for those of you who are more interested in hobnobbing with high society, why not consider joining the 483rd Legion, where kidnapping Princesses is their specialty?

4) Face exciting challenges

Most jobs are the same boring stuff day after day. Same cubicle, same coffee place, same small talk, then you die. However, some rare jobs make you continually challenge and better yourself, enabling you to achieve things you'd never have thought possible. Like trying to kill magic space knights with superpowers and laser swords before they can kill you while wearing insanely large helmets that are almost impossible to see anything out of.

3) Stick it to the Alliance

The Rebels talk a big game about fighting for freedom and equality and peace but their track record tells a different story. Would people who love peace really have blown up the Death Star, killing over a million people? Would people who believe in equality really only employ two women, neither of whom are allowed to get involved in the fighting? Why didn't Chewbacca get a medal as well? Will they see Han Solo brought to justice for drug smuggling and the murder of single father and soup kitchen volunteer, Greedo? At least with us you know what you're getting.

2) Work for "hands on" bosses

Most people working for big business or government bodies go their entire careers without ever meeting the men and women at the top. Thankfully, Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader both believe in spending time with their employees, getting to know them personally before choking, electrifying, or occasionally even beheading them to death. You call it "murder", we call it "micromanaging".

1) Be more than just a number

Here in the Galactic Empire, we care about our employees and their hopes and dreams. Unlike some corporations, we view our workers as distinct individuals who are so much more than just faceless, anonymous clone drones. You'll never be just a number to us. Because we care.

Brokeback Falcon

 

 

 

Sometimes when a Wookiee says they owe you a life debt, they really mean, “I wish I knew how to quit you, Han."

Chewbacca Rememberance Day

Wednesday marked Chewbacca Rememberance Day in the Galaxy far, far away and even the Empire begrudgingly decided to send a message to the most famous walking carpet that ever lived:

Chewbacca,

You were a giant hairy marauding Godless killing machine who cheated at board games.

We can respect that.

Other Death Stars, Other Planets

One decision can change a life, but some decisions can change Galaxies.


After the jump is a Star Wars fan fiction piece set in an alternative universe where some things are familiar and others, very different.

It started as a thought experiment and a bit of fun. If you get through it, let me know what you think in the comments below. I'm interested to see if anybody can guess the decision that changed the Galaxy (I'm sure you're up to the challenge).

Leia had almost lost count of the days she had spent in this cell with nothing but her thoughts for company. Over and over again she asked herself the same questions: Had the old Jedi Master received her message? Would the plans to the Death Star work as intended?

Blaster fire in the corridor outside broke her from her reverie. Had the Alliance sent someone to rescue her? Perhaps even the last Jedi himself. She had almost given up hope.

With a whoosh, her cell door opened. Two Stormtroopers and a Wookiee burst in. Not what she had expected. The one in the lead whipped off his helmet. He was blonde, fresh-faced and young, possibly her own age. The older man was ruggedly handsome, she supposed, but he had the crooked smile and swagger of a pilot. Or a con artist.

The blonde man blurted, "I'm Luke Skywalker. I'm here to rescue you."

"You're who?" Leia asked.

"This is Han Solo," Luke continued, indicating the one with the swagger, "And that's Chewbacca."

"Rrrraaarrrggghh!" groaned the Wookiee, she assumed by way of greeting.

Solo grabbed her by the hand and yanked her unceremoniously towards the doorway. "Come on Princess, we'll have time for introductions later."

The Wookiee was already back out in the corridor, roaring a deafening battle cry as he pinned down the Stormtroopers trying to prevent their escape.

Streaks of red heat sizzled past them, ricocheting off the solid metal walls, narrowly missing them. Above the noise, Leia shouted, "This is some rescue. You came in here, didn't you have a plan for getting out?"

Solo pointed at Luke before leaning out of cover and firing off another round. "He's the brains, sweetheart."

Luke smiled sheepishly.

He was the brains? These idiots were worse off than she thought. They had no chance once the 501st Legion arrived. It was up to her to buy some time. Leia wrestled the blaster from Solo's hands.

"Someone has to save our skins," she announced. Leia fired the blaster at the grill near her feet, making a hole just big enough for them to slip through.

"Into the garbage chute, flyboy."

*       *       *       *       *

Luke lay on his back coughing and spluttering, trying to wretch and suck the air back into his lungs at the same time. Luckily, his euphoria at being alive was enough to help him ignore that his mouth was full of fetid garbage water, though he had the feeling the taste would stay with him for a very long time.

The Princess knelt over him, concern evident on her face. Somehow she was composed and beautiful despite having just been almost crushed to death. Her hair was perfect and her white dress seemed impossibly clean. How did she do it?

As their eyes met, he felt a sensation he had never experienced before, like a jolt of electricity running through his entire body. He couldn't explain it, but Luke felt a connection to her, something deeper than simple attraction.

"So, what now?" she asked, helping him to his feet.

Han jogged back from the intersection he had been scouting. "We need to get back to my ship, the Falcon. She's fast enough to get us out of here."

"But what about the tractor beams?" Leia asked.

"My Master has gone to turn them off. They won't be a problem," Luke rasped as they began moving down the gleaming metal hallway.

"Well done back there," Leia said as Han and Chewie ran ahead. She paused briefly, her eyes thoughtful. "The Force is with you. You used it to hold the walls apart, didn't you?"

He could only nod, still too short on breath to answer.

"Impressive," she said admiringly. "Your Master has taught you well."

"Master Yoda is a great teacher."

Leia smiled. "So he got my message after all. We weren't sure if he still lived. I'm looking forward to meeting him."

*       *       *       *       *

With a grunt, Yoda pulled the lever down, switching off the tractor beam. Even with the Force sustaining him, guiding him, the effort of reaching the reactor core undetected had taken its toll. The ancient Jedi Master felt every single one of his 900 years.

Reaching under his frayed cloak with gnarled fingers, Yoda pulled the communicator off his belt and whispered into it. "Luke, there are you?"

A moment later, Luke's voice crackled through the speaker, difficult to hear over the sound of blaster fire. "I'm here, Master. We're making our way to the Falcon now. Are the tractor beams down?"

"Mmmm," Yoda said, leaning heavily on his walking stick as he hobbled towards the elevator. "Down they are. Leave now, you should."

Luke's reply was sharp, as Yoda had expected. "What? We're not leaving without you, Master."

The door closed in front of the old Jedi with a very final click. "Go on without me, you must. Confront once more the Emperor, I will. My destiny it is."

Even separated as they were by distance, unliving metal and countless living beings, Yoda felt an unmistakable tremor of fear in the Force, one he had not felt for many years. The last time had been when the boy had fallen into quicksand during his training on Tatooine.

"He's too powerful!" Luke exclaimed. "He'll kill you."

Yoda chuckled softly. "Kill me he cannot, my Padawan. One with the Force am I. Farewell, Luke. Remember, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware. Anger, fear, aggression. The Dark Side are they. Once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny."

He thumbed the communicator off and turned his mind to the battle ahead. The last he would ever fight.

*       *       *       *       *

Blaster fire rained from all sides as Han raced for the Millenium Falcon's boarding ramp, Chewie at his side. The kid, the snooty Princess and the droids were only a step behind. If ever there was a bunch of misfits less likely to escape the Empire's flagship, he couldn't imagine it.

Taking cover behind a stack of handy supply crates, Han and Luke lay down covering fire while Chewie and the others boarded.

Ducking to avoid a fresh barrage, Han glanced over at the kid and noticed a dangerous look on his face. "You better not be thinking what I think you're thinking."

Luke met his gaze defiantly. "I have to go after Yoda. I can help him."

Rolling his eyes, Han said bluntly, "Kid, I'm sorry. I liked the little green fella, I really did. But if he's gone to fight the Emperor, he's already dead. It's suicide."

"He's alive," Luke said adamantly. "I can sense it. Make sure the plans get to the Alliance, Han. And take care of yourself." There was a flash of blue light and a distinctive hum as the kid activated his lightsaber.

"Luke," Han said, but he was already gone. "See you around, kid,"

Too bad, Han thought as he pelted up the metal gantry. The kid had potential. Skidding to a halt, he jammed down on the door close mechanism and was three steps into the room before he noticed it: a trail of thick, wet scarlet splashed down the hallway.

"Chewie?" Han called, blaster already in hand. No reply. "I've got a very bad feeling about this," he murmured, an icy cold feeling spreading in the pit of his stomach.

He edged towards the forward cargo hold. The room was as dark and silent as the void of space. He paused, letting his eyes adjust to the dark before continuing. The Falcon was his ship and he knew her better than his own face. No way anyone was getting the drop on him here, lights or not.

The droids hadn't been so lucky. He found C-3PO and R2-D2 deactivate next to each other. Threepio had been cut in half. R2 was nothing more than smoking scrap metal.

Suddenly, all the lights came on at once, the dazzling bright light blinding Solo.

"There's no escape this time, Solo," a familiar voice rasped.

Han knew that voice all too well. "I've heard that before, Boba" he said, doing his best to sound nonchalant despite the fear gripping his heart.

"But have you heard this before?" Fett asked.

There was a soft, mournful bleat. It was a sound that chilled Han to the bone. It was Chewie. His message was simple: I'm sorry. Run.

Squinting, Han saw Boba Fett only a few steps away, unreadable behind his battle damaged helmet. He had one pistol aimed at Han and the other at Chewie, who lay at his feet. The Wookiee was a battered and bleeding mess. Rage and sadness surged through Han but he gritted his teeth and, summoning all of his willpower, pushed the feelings aside momentarily. He had to play it cool if they were going to get out of this.

Edging ever so slowly towards the thermal detonator hidden in a recess in the crate to his left, Han asked, "What have you done with the Princess?"

Boba chuckled. "I wouldn't worry too much about her, if I were you."

"So how much are the Imperials offering you, Boba? Are you sure turning me over to them is the best deal you can get?"

A few more seconds and he would have the detonator. Then it would be the Bounty Hunter's turn to negotiate for his life.

Fett cocked his helmet to one side. "Haven't you wondered why the Stormtroopers aren't swarming the ship by now? They want you dead, Solo. And they've paid me handsomely to do it."

Before Han could react, Fett fired pointblank at Chewie, killing him instantly.

"NO!" Han cried.

Then there was a blinding flash of red light and Han was falling, the ground rising to meet him in slow motion. Funny, he thought, I didn't even see him fire that shot.

The darkness claimed him.

*       *       *       *       *

Luke approached the Emperor's Throne Room, using the Force to run faster and longer than should have been humanly possible. Igniting his lightsaber, he cut down the three Imperial Guardsmen protecting the entrance before they even knew he was there.

From within, Luke could hear the unmistakable whizz, spark and hum of a lightsaber duel. The dark interior was illuminated by flashes of green and red, creating a chaotic whirl of colour that made the shadows flicker and dance.

Hurling himself into the room, Luke arrived just in time to see the diminutive figure of Yoda battling a towering man dressed head to toe in black, a long cloak of midnight swirling around him as he moved. The Emperor. The man who had killed Luke's father. He had been a great hero once, the stories said. A Jedi Knight, before he fell to the Dark Side.

Luke could feel waves of dark power radiating off him. He was as much a force of nature as he was a man. It was like standing in the heart of a storm or teetering on the cusp of an event horizon. Yoda was barely holding the Emperor's powerful, relentless strokes at bay.

"If strike me down, you do," grunted Yoda, "More powerful than you can imagine, will I become."

"That is a risk I am willing to take," said the Emperor coldly. And with that, he brought his red lightsaber around in a brutal sideways strike. Yoda made no attempt to defend himself. Closing his eyes, he deactivated his lightsaber.

Luke, Yoda's voice whispered in his mind. Face him alone, you cannot. Run, you must.

And then Luke could feel his presence no more. The little Master's lightsaber clattered to the ground along with his clothing. He was dead.

"YODA!" Luke screamed. Ignoring Yoda's advice, he gathered the Force into him, letting it fill every fibre of his being, and charged. He was moving so quickly time slowed to a crawl and the Emperor himself seemed to be carved from stone.

In a split second, he was face to face with the Dark Lord, close enough to see the red hot coals burning in his eyes, to make out the deep vertical scar that scored the right side of his once-handsome face.

He swung his lightsaber.

The Emperor held up his hand.

Luke went flying backwards across the room, his lightsaber thrown in the opposite direction. He skidded across the polished metal floor and crashed into the wall. It felt as though several of his ribs were broken. The blood he coughed up confirmed it. Still, he was alive.

As Luke struggled to his feet, leaning against the wall for support, the Emperor casually ascended the stairs to his throne without even a backwards look for Skywalker. He leaned back into it, one bare and one black gloved hand on either armrest.

"You should not have come back, Skywalker," Vader said in an unsettlingly soft, faraway voice. "Yoda knew his fate long before he entered this room. Perhaps once he could have bested me. That time has passed."

"He was wise and noble and the last of the Jedi. And you killed him."

"Yes," Vader agreed, almost amiably. "But he was a powerful adversary. Perhaps the best since I killed my old Master, Obi Wan Kenobi, on Mustafar."

"And what of my father?" Luke asked, drawing himself up to his full height, limping towards the Emperor's raised dais. "Master Yoda said you killed him too."

Vader laughed. "Perhaps that is true... from a certain point of view."

"What does that mean?"

A voice from behind answered, melodic, clear, like wind chimes on a chill winter's morning. "He is Anakin Skywalker. Your father. As I am your sister."

Leia sashayed past him towards the throne. Gone was the white outfit, replaced by a sleek black outfit accentuated by slashes of visceral red at the hips and bust. And she had a lightsaber strapped to each thigh. Her hair fell in long, straight strands across her porcelain skin, but somehow she was no longer beautiful. She was proud and cold, except for her eyes, which burned incandescent red like her father's.

Luke shook his head in disbelief. "What? That can't be true. That's impossible!"

Vader leaned forward, fixing Luke in place with the intensity of his gaze. "Search your feelings. You know it to be true."

Try as he might to deny it, Luke knew instinctively that it was the truth. "This is why I'm here, isn't it? This was your plan all along. The Death Star plans..."

Standing with arms folded across her chest at the base of the stairs, Leia said, "Were my idea. An early draft showing a clear design flaw, which I of course eliminated. But we needed to draw Yoda out in to the open and the plans, as well as a captured Princess, were the perfect bait. Once we had him, he would lead us to you." She smiled but there was no warmth in it. "Of course, we never expected he would bring you here to us. Perhaps he was going senile in his old age."

The taunt made Luke's lip curl in anger. "I thought you were on our side. You're one of the Rebellion's most trusted leaders!"

She laughed, softly, wickedly. "A ruse that I can finally give up, now that Yoda is dead and you are here."

Luke stopped in front of his sister, glaring at her. She met his eyes unflinchingly. "And my friends?" he asked.

"Two of the Galaxy's most wanted drug smugglers," Leia replied without emotion. "They paid the price for their crimes. I killed Solo myself. He was too cocky to see it coming."

Luke sneered, feeling anger coursing through his veins, hammering his heart against his ribs. "What about you, sister? When will you pay the price for your crimes?"

Leia's response was full of scorn. "I have done more for the Empire in a day than you have in your lifetime."

"Enough," Vader interjected.

Turning his gaze to the man on the throne, the despotic ruler and murderer who was his father, Luke asked,"What do you want of me?"

Vader extended a gloved hand, palm outwards towards his son. "Join us and together we can rule the Galaxy. We will put an end to war, perhaps even death itself. We will be unstoppable."

For a moment, Luke considered the proposal. Then he thought about Yoda, about Han and Chewie, about the countless millions enslaved or killed in the Emperor's name. Rage exploded within him like a sun going supernova. Skywalker or not, father or not, Vader had to pay for what he had done.

"I'll never join you," he announced.

He Force pulled one of the lightsabers from Leia's waist and leapt high into the air, somersaulting as he activated the weapon. Landing with cat-like grace on the podium, Luke swung with every ounce of anger and Force power he could summon.

Impossibly, an amethyst lightsaber blocked his strike. Leia was at his side. She moved faster than he could have imagined.

Vader laughed deeply, despite the sparking, spitting lightsabers crossed inches away from his face.

"Luke, my son, you already have."

Wookieeleaks Scandal

The Empire has been rocked today by what has quickly been dubbed 'Wookieegate' and the 'Wookieeleaks Scandal': the release of over 92,000 top secret Rebel Alliance documents to news agencies throughout the Galaxy.

The documents cover everything from dissident troop movements to highly classified military strategies and even include the personal files of some of the Rebellion's most visible figures.

Although the source of these leaks, referred to variously as 'Whooppiee' and 'Kashynynnn', has chosen to remain anonymous for safety reasons, it is believed they are a Wookiee of high standing within the Rebel Alliance.

Amongst countless other pieces of information, the leaked documents reveal:

• Acknowledgment by the Rebel High Command that a parsec is a unit of distance, not time and that Han Solo and Chewbacca never completed the Kessel Run. They were regularly too busy getting high on glitterstim.
• Medical logs also paint a grim picture of Solo's decline from promising smuggler to drug addict, space prostitute and eventual multiple STD sufferer.
• Leia "Princess" Organa suffers from extreme germophobia and has an intense hatred of the poor, and homeless people in particular. 
• Obi Wan "Ben" Kenobi lived in a cave for over twenty years in order to "watch over" a young boy, waiting for the opportunity to take him from his family in order to "train" him to "use" a "lightsaber". 

Luke "Pretty Boy" Skywalker's personal diary was also amongst the sensitive documents leaked . Multiple entries seem to question Rebel Command decisions, as well as, seemingly, his own sexuality. Excerpts follow:

Dear Diary, Hoth is so freakin' cold. I'm freezing my tits off. Who the force decided to build a rebel base on an ice planet? Love, Luke S. x

Dear Diary, spent last night with Han inside a tauntaun. He said it was to keep me warm but there was definitely inappropriate touching. Love, Luke S. x

Perhaps most damning of all, the documents detail the terrorist's plan to blow up the lynchpin in the government's Galactic Defense Strategy - the Death Star. The success of this plan would result in the murder of some 1.3 million civil servants, destroying families, weakening the collective security of all of the Galaxy's citizens and costing taxpayers trillions of credits.

'Wookieleaks' is being widely hailed as an emphatic win for the Galactic Empire's peaceful, prosperous and legitimate rule and a gigantic blow to the credibility of the insurgent Rebel Alliance and its claims that the Empire is a merciless, totalitarian regime.