Another Open Letter to Beloved Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman,

We trust you’ve been well since we last wrote to you after the birth of your son. The first few weeks of parenthood are a wonderful, crazy, sleepless time that can be difficult for some, but if anyone can handle it, it’s you, Natalie Portman. The woman who starred in no less than three blockbuster movies (very well done, Natalie, inspiring stuff) in the same year that she gave birth to her first child is surely capable of anything.

Congratulations are in order once again. After months of thought spent endlessly agonizing over the perfect name for your son, you’ve chosen “Alef”. What a beautiful, lyrical (and can we say magical? Well, you can’t stop us, Natalie Portman. MAGICAL.) name, which in no way reminds us of “Alf”, that annoying wisecracking alien who ate cats.

All of us here on the Death Star were incredibly thankful when we heard you’d made the decision not to go with “Luke”, mostly because this significantly decreases the chances of us eventually getting blown up by a Luke in the not-distant-enough future, but also because “Luke” rhymes with “puke”, which can lead to some really unfortunate bullying at school. You are incredibly wise to avoid that sort of future heartache, Natalie Portman.

But THEN we heard that that “Alef” apparently means “Oneness with God” in Hebrew. We looked up this God character of yours Natalie Portman, and although we really enjoyed his first book “The Old Testament”, it dawned on us that what you refer to as “God” in your galaxy is what we know as “the Force” in ours.

Which means you’ve actually called your child “One with the Force”. Which means he will one day become more powerful than we could possibly imagine.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, BELOVED HOLLYWOOD ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTRESS NATALIE PORTMAN? WHY?!

We’re sure it was simply a minor oversight on your part, Natalie. Not that we’re suggesting a woman of your intellect, charm and acting ability is capable of mistakes. But even the best of us overlook things at times, like forgetting to shield a small thermal exhaust port in your otherwise impenetrable Battle Station of Doom. Err… that one’s just an example, Natalie Portman. Just forget we mentioned that, please.

You strike us as a very moral person and you’ve stated repeatedly that you’re against war, which is great, because war is a terrible thing, Natalie. And Star Wars? Urgh. Those are the WORST kind. We’re sure you have no interest whatsoever in watching your beautiful baby boy grow up, only to eventually watch him blow up more than a million probably innocent people.

So please, beloved Hollywood actress Natalie Portman, don’t bother teaching your son about the ways of the Force. Otherwise before you know it he’ll be levitating the family car and chopping all of your carefully constructed IKEA furniture in half all the time. You don’t need that kind of hassle in your life, Natalie. After all, on top of being probably the world’s best mum, you still have an incredibly successful acting career to pursue.

Yours admiringly,

The Death Star PR Team.

P.S. If a bearded man in a brown bathrobe ever comes looking for you and offers to “train” Alef, just say NO. We have it on good authority that he only wants to show your son his lightsaber.

11 Star Wars Themed Father/Son Activities You Can Do This Father's Day

To celebrate Father's Day, Death Star PR considers what we can learn from the relationships between fathers and sons, mentors and students seen in the Star Wars films, and how we can apply these lessons in the form of 11 everyday father/son activities.

11) Get Back to Nature

There's nothing quite like roughing it to bring out the MAN in you. There's something primal and inherently good about spending time in the great outdoors. Pitching a tent, hiking, canoeing, and skillfully hunting cute, innocent woodland creatures to death with high-powered guns from an extreme distance are all fun ways to get healthy while enjoying one another's company. And if you think a forest sounds a bit too pedestrian, then why not try a swamp? Leeches, spooky caves filled with psychic manifestations of evil and kleptomaniacal goblins -- what's not to love?

10) Tell Stories

Kids love a good story, but forget telling him stories about dragons and fairy godmothers and anthropomorphic singing mice. Here's your chance to go just go crazy and make a ton of shit up. Tell him his real dad died years ago! Or that he doesn't actually have a sister! Remember: lies by omission are almost as fun! So while you're wildly exaggerating the truth, make sure NOT to tell him important things he should know, like the fact that you chopped his real dad to bits, because let's face it, that stuff can be a bit of a downer on your special day.

9) Play hide and seek

Parents are often so busy working and doing stuff that they sometimes forget to enjoy themselves, or to spend precious family time playing with their kids. But not in the Star Wars universe, where there is a grand tradition of father/son types enjoying all sorts of fun games together. Games like Pin the Lightsaber in the Stomach of Your Friend and Operation: Cyborg Sith Lord edition. Though no matter which galaxy you're in, Hide and Seek is always a classic choice for good, wholesome fun. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader played one game for over twenty years, but even Old Ben couldn't take Yoda's spot as Undefeated Hide and Seek Champion of the Galaxy. Vader and Luke also played a rousing round, with the Sith Lord sending probe droids all across the galaxy just to find his son.

8) Break in to a high security government facility/prison

For the more thrill-seeking father/son combinations, not much gets the adrenalin pumping more than breaking into the most heavily guarded, high security prison/government facility in the galaxy to rescue a Princess. Sure, it may result in dad's eventual death at the hands of his evil magic cyborg ex-BFF but the important thing is, he'll be dead you'll have had a hoot of a time with an incredibly noble death at the end of it.

7) Or gamble on death races!

If you can't think of a Princess worth saving, or believe that a modern day Princess should be quite capable of rescuing herself, thank you very much, but still crave that adrenalin fix, why not sign your kid up for an incredibly high-speed, potentially deadly pod race? Make it more thrilling by gambling heavily and irresponsibly on the outcome, but make sure you use your magic powers to cheat if you possibly can! Don't be alarmed: all of morally reprehensible stuff is OKAY because you're A GOOD GUY.

6) Become One with the Force

We see some of you sad sacks sobbing away as you read this going, "But my dad died, how am I supposed to celebrate Father's Day?" Well cheer up, because we've got news for you: your dad isn't dead, he just became one with the Force. He never left your side. Which means he's watching you right now. He's ALWAYS been watching you. And yes, that means he was watching you last night when you got home from work late and decided to have some alone time on that special website you don't tell your wife about. Think about how much fun you'll have now, doing EVERYTHING TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

5) Confront your issues

There's no greater gift than the gift of forgiveness, except maybe the gift of a giant planet-destroying laser, or at least some kind of huge walking armoured behemoth capable of crushing your enemies underfoot like twigs. Okay, so the forgiveness thing maybe isn't "Top 5" gift material, but it's still right up there. One thing people don't do in the Star Wars universe is avoid their problems. Have an issue with your former best friend/father figure turning against you and trying to steal your incredibly hot forbidden wife? Talk it out. Don't let it fester and turn you into that douchey passive aggressive person. Calmly discuss your issues and move on, which in our galaxy means "Grab a lightsaber and attack one another in a no-holds barred battle to the death, until one of you moves on... to another plane of existence".

4) Visit Hives of Scum and Villainy

Obi-Wan and Luke's visit to that cantina in Mos Eisley taught us that visiting seedy bars is a super way for a father figure and his impressionable young ward to spend some quality time together. Whether you're making friends with smugglers, getting drunk with angry space bears, cutting off the arms of people trying to make friendly chatter, or just watching your new mate casually pre-emptively murder aliens, a great time will be had by all. Well, apart from the people you sent to the hospital and/or morgue.

3) Execute Order 66

If you want a healthy father/son relationship, it's essential to share hobbies that you both enjoy. Things like baseball and video games give you something to bond over, as well as something to talk about instead of doing scary stuff like sharing your actual feelings. They also help your child learn valuable lessons like, "Teamwork, yay!" and, "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well." And if that hobby happens to be the total elimination of an entire order of magical peacekeeping space monks, so be it. At least it has less of a social stigma than making model trains.

2) Build a Death Star

If sharing hobbies can bring a father and son closer together, having a project can be the ultimate bonding experience. Yes, there will be frustrations and times where things don't go to plan, but that all pales compared to the joy of achieving a goal you've been working towards for years. If you think that building a tree house together makes for some great memories, imagine the laughs you'll share looking back on your 20+ year, $15.6 septillion building project that involved draining the natural resources, and utilising the slave labour, of hundreds of worlds.

1) Rule the Galaxy as Father and Son

Cost of building a Death Star: $15.6 septillion. Supporting the infrastructure required to ruthlessly oppress an entire galaxy: $835 septillion. Running the family business together: Priceless.

An Open Letter to Beloved Academy Award Winning Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman,

Our warmest congratulations to you on the birth of your son. You've begun the journey of a lifetime, filled with laughter, love, crazy highs and even a few terrifying lows. And to show you just how much everyone here in the Galactic Empire cares, we decided to write you with some parenting tips to help guide you through it all.

You seem like an incredibly intelligent young lady. We read you have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology from Harvard University. Good for you, Natalie. And you did that all while undertaking an incredibly successful acting career? Wow. What an achievement. Your son should follow in your footsteps. Immerse him in the world of books and academia, or even, if you must, let him act. But keep him safe, Natalie. If he ever seems interested in adrenalin-fueled activities, or, say, expresses a desire to be some kind of space fighter pilot, just say no. But in a really motherly way that doesn't make him want to rebel against you and do it anyway (this is where that psychology degree will come in very handy).

Give him freedom (Yes, it's a balancing act, but if anyone can manage it, it's the Academy Award winning actress who gave a tour de force performance in Black Swan). If he wants to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters, let him. Where's the harm in that? It might even prevent him from keeping out of trouble/meeting a stalkery old hobo who will guide him down a path that will lead to the tragic deaths of his caretakers (i.e. you) by rogue Sand People, and the eventual explosion of some 1.3 million government employees.

Encourage him to make friends. We're sure you'll agree that good friends last a lifetime. But help him steer clear of making friends with the wrong people. Sure, that lovably ragtag, yet pluckily rebellious bunch of kids might seem cute at first, but it's scientifically proven that they'll grow up to be douchy space pirates, stroppy princesses and aggressive bears who cheat at board games. Are those really the sort of friends you want for your beloved son? We didn't think so.

This is a sensitive subject, Natalie, but we need to talk to you about Magic powers. Does the idea of your son moving things with the power of his mind, or enslaving lesser people's minds to his will sound good? Well it's not. He'll never get out of bed to do his chores, he'll always win at Jenga and you'll always end up eating whatever he wants for dinner. Think about what an insufferable jerk this kid will turn out to be. That's not the Natalie Portman way. Plus, he'll be trained by strange cave-dwelling old magicians who lie about everything and crazy old swamp goblins who can't even string a grammatically correct sentence together. And that's definitely not the Natalie Portman way.

You are incredibly beautiful but we're sure you'll agree, the most beautiful thing of all is a great personality. Teach him to love and value other people, no matter what walk of life they're from, be it black, white, or planet destroying Sith Lord. Help him to understand that violence is never the answer and war, be it of the Star variety or otherwise, only begets more war.

So if he wants to go bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home, say "No womp rat bullseyeing for you today, sonny Jim. Think of the poor womp rat family that will be devastated by the loss of Mr. Womp Rat when he doesn't come home from work. Mrs. Womp Rat will be totally inconsolable and never quite the same again and the children will grow up without a male role model, leading to lifetime of substance abuse, making a living on the Womp Rat pole. Do you really want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life? DO YOU?!"

And if he ever has a sister, watch those two Natalie. Watch them like a hawk with cybernetically enhanced vison wearing binoculars watches that sexy lady hawk undressing several city blocks away through her window. Never, ever separate them for an extended period of time during which you neglect to constantly remind them that they are brother and sister, because terrible things will happen. Dark, terrible, unnatural things. Trust us Natalie, you don't want the specifics. Just take our word for it.

Good luck to you, Natalie. May the Force be with you and your newborn son.

Yours admiringly,
The Death Star PR Team.


P.S. Thank you for not having twins... or is that EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT US TO THINK?

How to: Beat Up Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan Kenobi is one of the most dangerous men who ever lived. He was the first Jedi to kill a Sith Lord in over 1,000 years, offed General Grievous, a psychotic four-armed lightsaber-wielding cyborg, and trained the terrorist who ended up blowing up the first Death Star. But don't worry, you don't need to be a total badass to take him down. Just follow our simple "How to" guide.



Make sure and use our handy visual guide to figure out which version of Obi-Wan you're fighting!


Young Obi-Wan

Okay, let's tackle young Obi-Wan. Warning: do not literally tackle him, unless by "tackle" you mean "run over with something fast and heavy, preferably a spaceship", or "shoot him a lot from as far away as possible". Anyway, you shouldn't tackle him because he has magical powers and will probably see it coming and do a fancy Jedi flip out of the way, then chop you in half with his lightsaber.

Do you have magical powers and a lightsaber? (No, the ability to sometimes be singing a song, then two seconds later you turn on the radio and hear it doesn't count.) If yes, step one is easy: find an evil sorceror willing to train you in the ways of the Dark Side of the Force. Train in secret for 10-15 years. Step two, cunningly lure Obi-Wan and his Master into the nearest industrial complex, preferably a power core of some description. Step three, distract young Obi-Wan by killing his Master (easy), then knock him into a reactor shaft while he's angry. Now comes the crucial part: DON'T LET HIM OUT. Stab him in the head with your lightsaber, Force push him, throw a shoe at him, whatever - just don't stand there and gloat like an idiot.

If you don't have magical powers, don't give up, you can still do this. You see, young Obi-Wan is petulant and kind of a dumbass. He can be tricked, because the Force is with him, but it also thinks he's a bit of a dick, so it will look away instead of helping him when it can. Young Obi-Wan has a secret weakness: he'll always do the exact opposite of whatever Qui-Gon says. So just invite him over to your house and be all casual and say something like, "Hey guy, my garbage disposal is on the fritz! Ain't it always the way, etc, etc," then, reverse psychology him. "Oh, but don't worry about it. Qui-Gon says you're no good with fixing stuff and stuff." Boom! Just try and stop him from checking that thing out. The second he does, you pounce! Shove his head straight into it. His stupid rat's tail hair thing will get caught and within seconds it's game over.

Jedi Master Obi-Wan

Yes, he has a beard now but DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU. To understand how to defeat Jedi Master Obi-Wan, you must first understand what he loves doing: delivering lectures. Give him what he wants and he will be putty in your cyborg hands. Speaking of putty, it will help if you have some. Put it in your ears now. Then marry someone inappropriate. Any Princess is fine, really.

You're ready for the next step, but first make sure you're nowhere near a river of molten lava. There's none? You're sure? Good. Now tell Obi-Wan about the stuff you did, but also mention some other stuff about how you may have killed a few Sand People, forgot to put in your tax return for the last few years and cheated in Monopoly. Just go crazy. Confess to anything and everything that pops into your head but DON'T LET HIM SPEAK. Stop only when his face goes beet red.

This is where the putty comes in. Obi-Wan will unleash a self-righteous lecture of such epic proportions it will rip a hole in the space-time continuum and become the original boring, self-righteous lecture. But you won't have to hear any of it. Instead, you'll just be shaking your head and nonchalantly going, "Nuh uh!" every so often. Let this go on for several hours, the longer the better. Let the little guy tucker himself out. Eventually he'll begin to get drowsy, which is when you stab him in the head with your lightsaber.

Old Man Ben Kenobi

This is the easiest, most effective way to beat Obi-Wan, but it's also something of a long game. Only the most patient Obi-Wan haters will be able to go the distance. But hey, if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing incredibly slowly over several decades.

Wait until he's really old, like pensioner old, and has been living in a cave for 20 years letting himself get rusty (NOTE: during this time, you should have remained FROSTY in exact inverse proportion to his rustiness.). Then pick a fight.

Remember: he's old now. At some point he will get tired, or remember he forgot to drink his prune juice that morning, or his mind will drift off thinking about those darned kids next door who keep kicking their ball into his backyard. This is the moment you've been waiting for! Strike like a genetically engineered super cobra who has arms and a robotic body specifically built for rapid striking.

Congratulations, you've just defeated one of the hardest Jedi to have ever lived. You have gained the rank of Galactic badass.

Love

Love is like a lightsaber:

It burns hot, cuts easily, looks fun in movies but usually ends with someone having no limbs face down in lava.

The 10 Jerkiest Things Obi-Wan Kenobi Ever Did

While the Rebellion would have you believe that Obi-Wan Kenobi was an excellent mentor, a highly-regarded General, and arguably one of the greatest Jedi Masters ever, the truth is, he was a bit of a douche. In fact, he was such a massive jerk that the hardest thing about writing this list was narrowing it down to just the ten jerkiest things he ever did.

10) Calling Darth Vader a "Master of Evil"

Although he's always been a smug bastard, Obi-Wan took it to a new level when he came face to face with his old apprentice and ex-BFF on the Death Star, calling him a "Master of Evil". Hey Obi-Wan Jerknob-i: when the last time you met, you cut off someone's arm and both of their legs and threw them in to molten lava, you don't get to make a call about who's evil and who's not.

9) Always cutting off everyone's arms

Look, we know we bring this up a fair bit but we really feel that it's a valid point because seriously, doesn't someone with amazing Force powers that include telekinesis, superhuman speed and reflexes, empathy and even limited precognition have A SINGLE BETTER OPTION FOR DISARMING SOMEONE THAN LITERALLY DISARMING THEM? 

8) Training Luke
Although Obi-Wan used the Force for loads of things, he used it most for backflipping like crazy on his opinions. As a younger Jedi, Obi-Wan didn't want Qui-Gon Jinn to train Anakin because he was "too old" for the training at age nine, but was only too happy to train Luke when he was 19. Why? No, not "out of necessity" Kenobi apologists,  but because when you're a hypocritical jerk you can make the rules up as you go along.

7) Not helping Luke on Hoth

Here's the scenario: Your friend has just barely survived a near-fatal crash on a snow planet and is now literally freezing to death. As a ghost who has "become more powerful than you can possibly imagine" by becoming One With The Force, do you:
a) Use your nifty ghost teleportational powers to go get help;
b) Do anything else in any way actually helpful; or,
c) Be a complete jerkbag and ignore the fact that the kid is dying of hypothermia and internal injuries and just give him his next set of marching orders?
You guessed it.

6) Not training Leia

As a child of Anakin Skywalker, Princess Leia inherited great Force powers equal to those of her brother, Luke. So why didn't Obi Wan decide to train her too? Surely two Jedi would have had a better chance fighting evil Sith Lords than one? The answer is simple: Obi-Wan didn't like girls. 
Here's how the Yoda/Kenobi Dagobah conversation actually went:
Obi-Wan: "That boy is our last hope."
Yoda: "No, there is another."
Obi-Wan: "Yeah, I was at the birth, genius. Remember? I just don't count girls."

5) Being a bad friend

So what if love is expressly forbidden by the sacred laws of your ancient religion that has allowed your order of warrior space monks to maintain peace for over ten thousand years? What's so bad about falling in love? What possible downside is their to a moody young Jedi Knight with narcissistic tendencies and a bit of a God complex marrying a career-driven cougar ex-Queen? If Obi-Wan was a better friend, he would have stood by Anakin's decision to be married instead of getting all judgey about it.

4) Not telling Luke and Leia about being brother and sister

We can forgive Obi-Wan for the oversight. I mean, finding out you have a long-lost twin brother or sister probably isn't a big deal for orphans, right? You can certainly see how that little detail might not come up in the many, many hours of conversation aboard a starship hurtling towards the sibling in question. Oh well, it's not like anyone got hurt, because it's not like there's any chance the twins would meet and develop sexy feelings for each other, right?

3) Lying to Luke about his dad

Admittedly, telling the kid you've spent the last 19 years creepily spying on/"watching over" that you were the one who attempted to brutally murder his father is a pretty awkward conversation but it's probably right up there in terms of pretty important information they might want to know before they make the decision to hang out with you. Some people are just weird like that.

2) Leaving Anakin to die

Friends argue. Sometimes they even come to blows. But it takes a pretty special kind of "friend" to cut off your arm and legs and leave you to burn alive in molten lava. Even accepting the fact that Anakin was in some small way responsible for causing the tiff, if you have to be that guy who de-limbs his "friend" and throws them into magma, at least do them a solid for old times' sake and put them out of their incredibly, incredibly painful misery.

1) Hiding the droids we were looking for

By hiding R2-D2 and C-3PO from the great and benevolent Galactic Empire, Obi-Wan was directly responsible for the explosion of the Death Star, which resulted in the deaths of more than 1.3 million people. Sure, maybe a few of them were a teeny bit evil, but what about all of the service staff, subcontractors, senior citizen tour groups, people shopping in any of the 178 beautifully appointed shopping malls, and the sweet, innocent children in the Death Star's 604 baby creches?

In conclusion, Obi-Wan Kenobi: total and utter bastard.

Gentle Ben

Hey, anyone remember how "Gentle" Ben Kenobi had a disturbing penchant for chopping off people's limbs?

Yeah, GREAT guy.

An office far, far away Episode 6

"Plan"

Follow the continuing adventures of Duke, the new guy, as he tries to make it in the office of an evil Empire. So, pretty much every office, anywhere.

Sometimes Duke takes a sick day. When he does, we find out what's going on in the rest of the galaxy...

Click to enlarge:

Words: Robbie Boland

Art: Kristian Aus

Go to previous episode.

Old Ben

 


OBI-WAN KENOBI is a creepy old hobo who lives in a cave, does "magic" and "watches over" young boys.


Can YOU really trust him?



This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Oscar

Natalie Portman really deserved that Oscar.

It was her most convincing performance since pretending not to be in love with Obi Wan.

Become a Jedi in 10 Easy Steps

Forget midi-chlorians. Being a Jedi is so easy anyone can do it. In fact, some of you may already be a Jedi and don't even know it yet. Just follow these 10 simple steps:

1) Buy a bathrobe. Wear it everywhere.

2) Grow a beard.

(Note: Optional for most lady Jedi.)

3) Don't have sex ever again. Ever.

This should be easy once you're sporting the "bathrobe and beard" look, and even easier if you've already memorised the complete technical specifications of the Millenium Falcon or are the type of person who corrects people's grammar on Twitter.

4) Tell everyone what to do. All the time.
As a Jedi, you should give people advice on everything, whether they want it or not. The key here is to be sanctimonious at all times and keep in mind that you can never be wrong because everything is right "from a certain point of view".
(Note: Works best when paired with no. 5)

5) Be a hypocrite.

Like most religious orders, the Jedi have a strict moral code. It's important to remember that although everyone else should live by the rules, you personally should only follow them when it's convenient. Is cheating bad? YES. But not if you need to win at dice. Is using a Jedi mind trick to make someone do something against their will totally morally reprehensible? OF COURSE. Unless you REALLY need to get something for free off a struggling small businessalien on a backwards desert planet. Is killing people the path to the Dark Side? TOTALLY. Except if they're bad guys.

6) Cut off people's arms.

Just about any reason will do: whether someone accidentally bumped into your friend in a bar or kind of attempted to kill you a little bit after going to the Dark Side, any time is a good time to whip out a sword and just go NUTS on some limbs. Oh, and don't worry: it's not against the law because you're a Jedi. You ARE the law!

7) Live in a complete dump.

Although an out of the way cave in the desert or a hut in a swamp is best, just about any pig sty or student sharehouse will do. As a Jedi, you're above material possessions, or interior decoration, or showers.

8) Be an underachiever.

As someone in possession of amazing magical powers that enhance your physical and mental attributes to levels most people could only dream of, the best thing you can do is to spectacularly underuse them. Sure, you could Force Run at super speed to save your friend and mentor's life (like you did earlier in the movie), or Force Push the bad guy away from your friend while you're patiently waiting behind your force field but why bother? You deserve some you time.

9) Be a bad friend.

Jedi train their whole lives to avoid emotional attachments. Including friendship apparently. So although you'll give off a wise good guy vibe, you'll also have no problems lying to your friend about whether his father is still alive, avoid mentioning the fact that the hot chick he's rescuing is actually his long lost sister, or even cutting off your best mate's arms and legs and leaving him to burn alive in lava. You know, instead of saving him or sticking your lightsaber through his head and making his death mercifully swift and stuff.

10) Overstay your welcome.

You know how every time you have a party, there's always a few people who stick around long after everyone else is gone and just completely refuse to take any of the subtle hints you're dropping about wanting to go to bed? Well, the Jedi are like this but worse: even death can't stop them from coming back to "watch over" you... particularly during your most intimate moments.

Note: this list also works if you replace the word "Jedi" with the word "Hipster".

Touching Sithmas Tales 1

'Twas the night before Sithmas,

And all through the Galaxy,

Not a Jedi was stirring

'Cuz Darth Vader killed them all.

Vadercation

Being Darth Vader ain't easy.

Between bringing balance to the Force, being second-in-command of a benevolent Galactic Empire, suppressing Rebel dissidents on countless worlds, polishing his helmet to a military-grade sheen, Force choking incompetent lackeys and maintaining an unbeaten record in the Death Star Jenga Championships, the boss rarely gets a moment to himself.

Not to mention the Post-Traumatic Stress-induced nightmares caused by having your best friend and mentor cut off your arms and legs before leaving you to burn alive in molten magma while he makes off with your wife and unborn children.

The whole not-having-arms-and-legs-and-being-forced-to-live-in-a-containment-suit-and-a-giant-egg-which-makes-it-really-hard-to-meet-the-ladies thing isn't really conducive to taking much personal time either.

So once a year, Emperor Palpatine makes Lord Vader take a hard-earned "Vadercation". Usually somewhere far, far away from the Empire where Palpatine can't hear Vader crying himself to sleep at night Palpatine can be sure Vader will really enjoy himself.

This year's "Vadercation" was to Earth's tropical paradise, Hawaii. I'm sure you'll agree from these carefully staged and photoshopped to include legs candid photos that Darth Vader is one Dark Lord of the Sith who knows how to have a good time.

Click for larger images:

Chillin' like a villain.

Heavy is the head that wears the helmet.

Patrolling for Jedi.

Light reading.

Staying frosty, even in the sun.

Special thanks to loyal Imperial Eric Brager for permission to print these images. You can find a bunch more on his website: http://hawaiianseamonkey.com/2010/10/darth-vaders-hawaiian-vacation/.