An Open Letter to Google re: the "Fictionality" of Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine

Dear Goo,

Can we call you that, Google? You seem like the type of innovative multinational IT-based corporation who is playful, easygoing and enjoys a good nickname. We're writing to you because over the weekend you made a horrible mistake, Goo. You suspended Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine's Google+ accounts because you believed them to be "fictional" characters. We find your lack of faith disturbing.

You can’t just arbitrarily decide to cancel a REAL PERSON’S social networking page without even telling them about it or giving them an opportunity to defend themselves first. That's not fair. It’s not like blowing up a planet, after all. 

You know Goo, for some reason a lot of people (like TIME Magazine) have called Darth Vader "fictional", despite the fact that he's been in SIX BIOGRAPHICAL MOVIES AND A TELEVISION SHOW, plus countless books, comics and video games. You can find replicas of him in almost EVERY TOY STORE ON EARTH. Does that really sound like a "fictional" character to you?

What does it even mean to be "fictional" in this day and age of carefully constructed public personas, plastic surgery and media manipulation? Don't we all choose to represent ourselves in different ways to those around us, changing chameleon-like to suit our context? Do any of us really even know the "real" us? Do you know the real Gyougle, Goo? Aren't we all just "fictional" characters in the end? As Shakespeare once said, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

What happened to you, Goo? Who hurt you? Did you unexpectedly have your heart broken by a really Hot Young Lady Search Engine who left you for a more brooding, buffer, Bad Boy Search Engine in Search Engine High School, thus making it difficult for you to trust others? Because we'll be honest, you seem to be constantly searching for something. Something you won't find by tearing down the happiness of others, just to make them as miserable as you feel.

Should they just LIE and change their names to Dan Vader and Eugene Palpatine instead (as suggested by Scott Oldfield)? Is that what you want? Do you really want to create an online culture based on lies, where people regularly pretend to be somebody they're not? What a horrible world that would be to live in.

Maybe it's discrimination. Maybe you don't want Darth Vader and the Emperor to have an account on your precious little social network just because your slogan is "Don't be evil" and they're "evil wizards" who "took over the Galaxy" and "murdered" millions of people. Because if you're going to use "evil" as the basis for your decisions, then we can probably all agree that you'd better start by cancelling Dane Cook's account first.

On that note, how is it that the FRIGGING Hogwarts Sorting Hat, SEVERAL Lord Voldemorts AND Chewbacca still have their Google+ Profiles? Answer us that, Google. Oh, that's right, you can't, because you're a corporation. Did you know that makes YOU a fictional entity of sorts too? No, you probably don't, because you don't even have a brain or a mouth.

Or could it be that you have something against Sith Lords? Is that it, Google? We thought people had moved beyond religious discrimination in this day and age, except against the Jedi, which is totally acceptable. Doesn't your informal corporate culture extend to people who enjoy wearing a plush velour robe to work and who have different belief systems to your own that involve frying the very occasional subordinate with Force lightning? For shame, Goo. For shame. Is that really the Google we've bonded with and come to think of as a good, nay GREAT, friend during the countless hours we've spent searching the web for funny videos of people hurting themselves? Of course it's not. Don't be that search engine, Goo

Perhaps it's just that your recent affiliation with Androids has led you to be prejudiced against cyborgs. Don't get us wrong, androids have their place. Usually that place is poncing about in a black and gold unitard and wanting to become human. But can't you see that cyborgs are people too, Google? Well, mostly human. Okay, AT LEAST 42% human.

Finally, if you can't find it in your cybernetic heart to be swayed by the infallible logic and wild accusations contained above, then we're afraid we're going to have to bring out the big gun: litigation. We hate to bring up the whole copyright issue but the truth is, you owe a LOT of your success to us. Clearly the idea for Google+'s "Circles" comes from Darth Vader's classic line, "The circle is complete." 

 

Does this "Circle" look familiar to you, Google?

And don't even get us started on Google Chrome...

 

So finally, Google, remember that the Force surrounds us, binds us, and can also be used to Force choke us from great distances if we get on the wrong people's bad side. Isn't it funny that "Google" even sounds a LOT like "Gurgle", the last thing most people say when they're being lovingly throat hugged from across the room by a caring Sith Lord? What a strange coincidence that is, right Gurgle Google? Haha. Ahaha. Oh, we have such fun together, don't we Goo?

We trust this will help you make the right decision and restore Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine's Google+ accounts immediately. Otherwise you might find your planet becoming "fictional" by the weekend.

Warmest regards,

The Death Star PR Team.

Alderaan: A Retrospective

Alderaan. The "Shining Star" of the Core Worlds, a peaceful planet of unparalleled beauty, rich cultural heritage and a long, proud history dating back more than 30,000 years. And yet, somehow the name has become synonymous with explosive, fiery destruction. One year on, Death Star PR takes a completely objective look back at the "Alderaan incident", at what we've lost and what we've learned, in a quest to finally uncover the truth.

 The mountains of Alderaan. Probably.

What we know
Let's start with the cold, hard FACTS. Alderaan was (almost definitely) a planet that (allegedly) existed. There are many (probably not faked) photos. At some point, for some reason (discussed below), it ceased to exist in its more well-known planetary form in the spatial location it was previously renowned for being found at.

 Alderaan: You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

What may have happened that day
From scientists to conspiracy nuts to "eyewitnesses" who were "actually there", everyone seems to have a different theory on what "actually" happened to Alderaan.

Many scientists have suggested that Alderaan may have spontaneously combusted. "Oh yes," said Professor Iluff Scyeenze, "planets do spontaneously explode all of the time. It has to do with complex gravitational forces combining with a freak build up of magma beneath the planet's mantle, as well as loads of other scientific things like exothermic reactions and the parallax effect and... umm... carbohydrates."

Another strong possibility is an unexpected strike by a huge meteor, as seen in documentaries like Armageddon with Bruce Willis.

Was this man responsible for riding an asteroid into Alderaan? We're not saying he is, but can you prove he isn't? 

More likely, however, is that Alderaan was disintegrated when it was hit by a wayward paragraph of gigantic floating yellow text, a tragic tale that has become all too common in recent years. But where exactly do these unstoppable monolithic paragraphs come from? What do they want? Are they, perhaps, some kind of expository message to us from an unknowable, unfathomable creator? For now, the answers to those questions remain a mystery.

A photograph of one of the rogue paragraphs, taken by one of the few to survive an encounter.

A small minority have even suggested that the benevolent Galactic Empire used the Death Star's superlaser to destroy Alderaan as a demonstration of the Empire's firepower, designed to frighten the Rebel Alliance into submission. Well, just about anybody can suggest anything. Maybe it was accidentally eaten by a gigantic star turtle carrying four giant elephants on its back, who in turn carry some kind of disc-shaped world on their backs. Maybe a giant space bird flew off with it. Or MAYBE it was just a "special effect" made for a "movie" using "computers" and Alderaan never really existed at all.

Who's to blame?
Assuming Alderaan did exist and was blown up? Terrorists. There's a lot of things we don't know in this crazy, mixed up galaxy we live in but one thing's for sure: terrorists are always to blame for explosions.

For years, the Rebel Alliance have been waging guerrilla warfare against the Galactic Empire, constantly disrupting our valiant attempts to bring peace, order and security to the galaxy (even if we have to very occasionally use extreme violence, oppression and fear to do it).

 Grand Moff Tarkin surveys a totally unconnected asteroid field.

Although the Rebel insurgents haven't claimed responsibility for the attack, and indeed have quite vehemently and consistently stated that the Empire is to blame, the reality is that there would be no wars of the star variety or otherwise if the Alliance simply gave up. They won't, of course. They're only too eager to risk your lives for their own selfish ends. Said Eeval Tehryryst: "We're fighting to free the entire galaxy from a ruthlessly oppressive totalitarian dictatorship led by two evil wizards." See? Selfish.

Hypothetically speaking
From a purely hypothetical, non-committal, just throwing it out there kind of a place, if Alderaan did explode and if we did it, which we are in no way suggesting is actually the case, then it would definitely have been totally, unequivocally justified.

 What the Death Star laser might look like if it was fired at Alderaan. Which it almost definitely wasn't.

If the Galactic Empire did, for example, use the Death Star's gigantic superlaser to turn Alderaan into the galaxy's newest meteor field, it would only have been to bring peace to an entire galaxy. A galaxy filled with literally thousands of planets, and possibly to teach a certain uppity Princess a lesson. Are people really going to miss one? After all, doesn't the good of the many outweigh the needs of the few (billion)?

Tarkin, Leia and Darth Vader share a laugh during some father/daughter bonding/abduction time.

Simply put, if Alderaan did get blown up by the Galactic Empire, it was the Rebellion's fault. But even if it turned out that there was some kind of "video evidence" that "proved" we were "responsible", the chances were that we were just test firing the laser when Alderaan shifted its orbit in front of it.

Final thoughts
In all of the discussion of the "horrific tragedy" that (allegedly) befell Alderaan, aren't we all forgetting something? Did the (alleged) destruction of Alderaan really happen to the Alderaanians? After all, you don't hear them bringing it up very often. Isn't it fairer to say that Alderaan happened to all of us? For it is we who must march bravely onwards, valiantly struggling to put behind us/forget completely what (may or may not actually have) happened on that fateful day.

And doesn't that make us the real heroes, in the end?

Yes. Yes it does.

An Open Letter to TIME Magazine re: Darth Vader

Dear TIME Magazine,

In your article of June 17, you listed Darth Vader as the third worst "fictional" father. The Galactic Empire takes these kinds of accusations very seriously. So seriously, in fact, that similar accusations from other planets normally end with a rebuttal of the giant laser from space variety. However, in his infinite wisdom, Darth Vader has ordered the PR Department to respond with the second most devastating weapon known to mankind: a sternly worded letter of complaint. So prepare yourself, TIME Magazine, but know in advance that your shields can't repel refutation of this magnitude.

Firstly, how do you define "worst"? Are you suggesting that Darth Vader was evil because he helped Emperor Palpatine kill all of the Jedi? That's not evil. That's just being really, really good at your job. That's bringing balance to the Force, my glossy printed friend.

Now let's clear the air of planetary debris and discuss the Alderaan issue. To the uneducated, kidnapping Princess Leia and blowing up her home planet while she watched might seem like a bit of a dick move, but it taught Leia a valuable life lesson: "Don't get kidnapped." It seems to us that if Princesses like Leia, Daisy and Zelda could just learn this one fundamental rule, a LOT of supervillains would be forced to channel their energy into more productive avenues of work.

So many parents don't even care where their children are, or what they're up to, no matter the time of day or night. Not Darth Vader. When he couldn't find Luke, Vader dispatched thousands of remote probes into the far reaches of space. This was in spite of the fact that Luke had just become the Galaxy's Most Wanted terrorist, almost killed his dad and blown up 1.3 million of his friends and workmates. Are those the actions of a bad father? He even went to visit Luke on the ice planet Hoth and see how he was going at work, despite how far away it was and the fact that the climate there really plays hell with your cyborg body parts.

For almost 20 years, Darth Vader didn't even know he had children. Did you know that, TIME Magazine? Did you uncover that in your research? But unlike so many other deadbeat dads, the moment he found out, he took responsibility for his son, even saying on camera, "Luke, I am your father." He didn't even ask for a paternity test. Would the third worst father ever really do that, TIME Magazine?

You're going to bring up the whole "cutting off Luke's hand" thing now, aren't you TIME Magazine? That is so you. Oh so predictable. If anything, cutting off Luke's hands was one of the nicest things Darth Vader ever did. Think about it: one quick, relatively painless amputation in exchange for a totally sweet cyborg hand (click here to read about the many cyborg hand-related benefits). Who wouldn't take that deal? You know what they say: "no pain, no gain".

NOT ONLY did Darth Vader improve Luke's life immeasurably by giving him the opportunity to become an awesome cyborg, but he then sweetened the deal even further by inviting Luke to join the family business : ruling the galaxy together as father and son. Just in case you missed it, TIME Magazine, that didn't say "run a plumbing company or a small sandwich shop together", it said "RULE THE ENTIRE FRIGGING GALAXY." So Darth Vader, the greatest father in history, wanted to give his son power and wealth beyond measure, EVEN THOUGH HIS SON WAS A BIT OF A WIENER.

Of course, we could also talk about how Darth Vader saved Luke on the second Death Star, sacrificing his own life to throw the Emperor down the reactor shaft. Or how he became a Force ghost so that he could constantly lovingly haunt watch over his children for all time, but we won't because we think you get the point by now TIME Magazine. You do, don't you?

Now let's put the shiny black all-terrain durasteel boot on the other foot. Let's talk about you, TIME Magazine. Darth Vader is NOT a fictional character. He's been in six biographical documentaries about his life. There are photos of him all over the place. He even recently went to Disneyland. How many movies have you been in, TIME Magazine? How many guest appearances at children's parties have you made? Where are all the photos of you? Maybe YOU'RE the fictional character.

What do you base this baselessly base article on? Where is your evidence, either empirical or epistemological? What surveys have you done, or statistics have you uncovered? Did you even conduct a phone poll of some description? No. Because you're a MAGAZINE. You don't even have a mouth.

Finally, what gives you the right to judge people, TIME Magazine? How many little baby magazines have YOU fathered? Stick to what you know, what you're good at: selling a mere 45 million magazines a week.

Yours sincerely,
The Galactic Empire.


Thanks to loyal Imperial GreatSkeptic for the tip.

11 Star Wars Themed Father/Son Activities You Can Do This Father's Day

To celebrate Father's Day, Death Star PR considers what we can learn from the relationships between fathers and sons, mentors and students seen in the Star Wars films, and how we can apply these lessons in the form of 11 everyday father/son activities.

11) Get Back to Nature

There's nothing quite like roughing it to bring out the MAN in you. There's something primal and inherently good about spending time in the great outdoors. Pitching a tent, hiking, canoeing, and skillfully hunting cute, innocent woodland creatures to death with high-powered guns from an extreme distance are all fun ways to get healthy while enjoying one another's company. And if you think a forest sounds a bit too pedestrian, then why not try a swamp? Leeches, spooky caves filled with psychic manifestations of evil and kleptomaniacal goblins -- what's not to love?

10) Tell Stories

Kids love a good story, but forget telling him stories about dragons and fairy godmothers and anthropomorphic singing mice. Here's your chance to go just go crazy and make a ton of shit up. Tell him his real dad died years ago! Or that he doesn't actually have a sister! Remember: lies by omission are almost as fun! So while you're wildly exaggerating the truth, make sure NOT to tell him important things he should know, like the fact that you chopped his real dad to bits, because let's face it, that stuff can be a bit of a downer on your special day.

9) Play hide and seek

Parents are often so busy working and doing stuff that they sometimes forget to enjoy themselves, or to spend precious family time playing with their kids. But not in the Star Wars universe, where there is a grand tradition of father/son types enjoying all sorts of fun games together. Games like Pin the Lightsaber in the Stomach of Your Friend and Operation: Cyborg Sith Lord edition. Though no matter which galaxy you're in, Hide and Seek is always a classic choice for good, wholesome fun. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader played one game for over twenty years, but even Old Ben couldn't take Yoda's spot as Undefeated Hide and Seek Champion of the Galaxy. Vader and Luke also played a rousing round, with the Sith Lord sending probe droids all across the galaxy just to find his son.

8) Break in to a high security government facility/prison

For the more thrill-seeking father/son combinations, not much gets the adrenalin pumping more than breaking into the most heavily guarded, high security prison/government facility in the galaxy to rescue a Princess. Sure, it may result in dad's eventual death at the hands of his evil magic cyborg ex-BFF but the important thing is, he'll be dead you'll have had a hoot of a time with an incredibly noble death at the end of it.

7) Or gamble on death races!

If you can't think of a Princess worth saving, or believe that a modern day Princess should be quite capable of rescuing herself, thank you very much, but still crave that adrenalin fix, why not sign your kid up for an incredibly high-speed, potentially deadly pod race? Make it more thrilling by gambling heavily and irresponsibly on the outcome, but make sure you use your magic powers to cheat if you possibly can! Don't be alarmed: all of morally reprehensible stuff is OKAY because you're A GOOD GUY.

6) Become One with the Force

We see some of you sad sacks sobbing away as you read this going, "But my dad died, how am I supposed to celebrate Father's Day?" Well cheer up, because we've got news for you: your dad isn't dead, he just became one with the Force. He never left your side. Which means he's watching you right now. He's ALWAYS been watching you. And yes, that means he was watching you last night when you got home from work late and decided to have some alone time on that special website you don't tell your wife about. Think about how much fun you'll have now, doing EVERYTHING TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

5) Confront your issues

There's no greater gift than the gift of forgiveness, except maybe the gift of a giant planet-destroying laser, or at least some kind of huge walking armoured behemoth capable of crushing your enemies underfoot like twigs. Okay, so the forgiveness thing maybe isn't "Top 5" gift material, but it's still right up there. One thing people don't do in the Star Wars universe is avoid their problems. Have an issue with your former best friend/father figure turning against you and trying to steal your incredibly hot forbidden wife? Talk it out. Don't let it fester and turn you into that douchey passive aggressive person. Calmly discuss your issues and move on, which in our galaxy means "Grab a lightsaber and attack one another in a no-holds barred battle to the death, until one of you moves on... to another plane of existence".

4) Visit Hives of Scum and Villainy

Obi-Wan and Luke's visit to that cantina in Mos Eisley taught us that visiting seedy bars is a super way for a father figure and his impressionable young ward to spend some quality time together. Whether you're making friends with smugglers, getting drunk with angry space bears, cutting off the arms of people trying to make friendly chatter, or just watching your new mate casually pre-emptively murder aliens, a great time will be had by all. Well, apart from the people you sent to the hospital and/or morgue.

3) Execute Order 66

If you want a healthy father/son relationship, it's essential to share hobbies that you both enjoy. Things like baseball and video games give you something to bond over, as well as something to talk about instead of doing scary stuff like sharing your actual feelings. They also help your child learn valuable lessons like, "Teamwork, yay!" and, "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well." And if that hobby happens to be the total elimination of an entire order of magical peacekeeping space monks, so be it. At least it has less of a social stigma than making model trains.

2) Build a Death Star

If sharing hobbies can bring a father and son closer together, having a project can be the ultimate bonding experience. Yes, there will be frustrations and times where things don't go to plan, but that all pales compared to the joy of achieving a goal you've been working towards for years. If you think that building a tree house together makes for some great memories, imagine the laughs you'll share looking back on your 20+ year, $15.6 septillion building project that involved draining the natural resources, and utilising the slave labour, of hundreds of worlds.

1) Rule the Galaxy as Father and Son

Cost of building a Death Star: $15.6 septillion. Supporting the infrastructure required to ruthlessly oppress an entire galaxy: $835 septillion. Running the family business together: Priceless.

An Open Letter to Beloved Academy Award Winning Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman,

Our warmest congratulations to you on the birth of your son. You've begun the journey of a lifetime, filled with laughter, love, crazy highs and even a few terrifying lows. And to show you just how much everyone here in the Galactic Empire cares, we decided to write you with some parenting tips to help guide you through it all.

You seem like an incredibly intelligent young lady. We read you have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology from Harvard University. Good for you, Natalie. And you did that all while undertaking an incredibly successful acting career? Wow. What an achievement. Your son should follow in your footsteps. Immerse him in the world of books and academia, or even, if you must, let him act. But keep him safe, Natalie. If he ever seems interested in adrenalin-fueled activities, or, say, expresses a desire to be some kind of space fighter pilot, just say no. But in a really motherly way that doesn't make him want to rebel against you and do it anyway (this is where that psychology degree will come in very handy).

Give him freedom (Yes, it's a balancing act, but if anyone can manage it, it's the Academy Award winning actress who gave a tour de force performance in Black Swan). If he wants to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters, let him. Where's the harm in that? It might even prevent him from keeping out of trouble/meeting a stalkery old hobo who will guide him down a path that will lead to the tragic deaths of his caretakers (i.e. you) by rogue Sand People, and the eventual explosion of some 1.3 million government employees.

Encourage him to make friends. We're sure you'll agree that good friends last a lifetime. But help him steer clear of making friends with the wrong people. Sure, that lovably ragtag, yet pluckily rebellious bunch of kids might seem cute at first, but it's scientifically proven that they'll grow up to be douchy space pirates, stroppy princesses and aggressive bears who cheat at board games. Are those really the sort of friends you want for your beloved son? We didn't think so.

This is a sensitive subject, Natalie, but we need to talk to you about Magic powers. Does the idea of your son moving things with the power of his mind, or enslaving lesser people's minds to his will sound good? Well it's not. He'll never get out of bed to do his chores, he'll always win at Jenga and you'll always end up eating whatever he wants for dinner. Think about what an insufferable jerk this kid will turn out to be. That's not the Natalie Portman way. Plus, he'll be trained by strange cave-dwelling old magicians who lie about everything and crazy old swamp goblins who can't even string a grammatically correct sentence together. And that's definitely not the Natalie Portman way.

You are incredibly beautiful but we're sure you'll agree, the most beautiful thing of all is a great personality. Teach him to love and value other people, no matter what walk of life they're from, be it black, white, or planet destroying Sith Lord. Help him to understand that violence is never the answer and war, be it of the Star variety or otherwise, only begets more war.

So if he wants to go bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home, say "No womp rat bullseyeing for you today, sonny Jim. Think of the poor womp rat family that will be devastated by the loss of Mr. Womp Rat when he doesn't come home from work. Mrs. Womp Rat will be totally inconsolable and never quite the same again and the children will grow up without a male role model, leading to lifetime of substance abuse, making a living on the Womp Rat pole. Do you really want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life? DO YOU?!"

And if he ever has a sister, watch those two Natalie. Watch them like a hawk with cybernetically enhanced vison wearing binoculars watches that sexy lady hawk undressing several city blocks away through her window. Never, ever separate them for an extended period of time during which you neglect to constantly remind them that they are brother and sister, because terrible things will happen. Dark, terrible, unnatural things. Trust us Natalie, you don't want the specifics. Just take our word for it.

Good luck to you, Natalie. May the Force be with you and your newborn son.

Yours admiringly,
The Death Star PR Team.


P.S. Thank you for not having twins... or is that EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT US TO THINK?

Passive Aggressive Post-it Notes 1

When you work for Darth Vader, the only thing worse than the constant Force chokes and lightsaber-related workplace "incidents" are the passive aggressive Post-it notes he's always leaving around the office.

Here's today's:

Art by the incomparable Max Harris.

How to: Beat Up Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan Kenobi is one of the most dangerous men who ever lived. He was the first Jedi to kill a Sith Lord in over 1,000 years, offed General Grievous, a psychotic four-armed lightsaber-wielding cyborg, and trained the terrorist who ended up blowing up the first Death Star. But don't worry, you don't need to be a total badass to take him down. Just follow our simple "How to" guide.



Make sure and use our handy visual guide to figure out which version of Obi-Wan you're fighting!


Young Obi-Wan

Okay, let's tackle young Obi-Wan. Warning: do not literally tackle him, unless by "tackle" you mean "run over with something fast and heavy, preferably a spaceship", or "shoot him a lot from as far away as possible". Anyway, you shouldn't tackle him because he has magical powers and will probably see it coming and do a fancy Jedi flip out of the way, then chop you in half with his lightsaber.

Do you have magical powers and a lightsaber? (No, the ability to sometimes be singing a song, then two seconds later you turn on the radio and hear it doesn't count.) If yes, step one is easy: find an evil sorceror willing to train you in the ways of the Dark Side of the Force. Train in secret for 10-15 years. Step two, cunningly lure Obi-Wan and his Master into the nearest industrial complex, preferably a power core of some description. Step three, distract young Obi-Wan by killing his Master (easy), then knock him into a reactor shaft while he's angry. Now comes the crucial part: DON'T LET HIM OUT. Stab him in the head with your lightsaber, Force push him, throw a shoe at him, whatever - just don't stand there and gloat like an idiot.

If you don't have magical powers, don't give up, you can still do this. You see, young Obi-Wan is petulant and kind of a dumbass. He can be tricked, because the Force is with him, but it also thinks he's a bit of a dick, so it will look away instead of helping him when it can. Young Obi-Wan has a secret weakness: he'll always do the exact opposite of whatever Qui-Gon says. So just invite him over to your house and be all casual and say something like, "Hey guy, my garbage disposal is on the fritz! Ain't it always the way, etc, etc," then, reverse psychology him. "Oh, but don't worry about it. Qui-Gon says you're no good with fixing stuff and stuff." Boom! Just try and stop him from checking that thing out. The second he does, you pounce! Shove his head straight into it. His stupid rat's tail hair thing will get caught and within seconds it's game over.

Jedi Master Obi-Wan

Yes, he has a beard now but DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU. To understand how to defeat Jedi Master Obi-Wan, you must first understand what he loves doing: delivering lectures. Give him what he wants and he will be putty in your cyborg hands. Speaking of putty, it will help if you have some. Put it in your ears now. Then marry someone inappropriate. Any Princess is fine, really.

You're ready for the next step, but first make sure you're nowhere near a river of molten lava. There's none? You're sure? Good. Now tell Obi-Wan about the stuff you did, but also mention some other stuff about how you may have killed a few Sand People, forgot to put in your tax return for the last few years and cheated in Monopoly. Just go crazy. Confess to anything and everything that pops into your head but DON'T LET HIM SPEAK. Stop only when his face goes beet red.

This is where the putty comes in. Obi-Wan will unleash a self-righteous lecture of such epic proportions it will rip a hole in the space-time continuum and become the original boring, self-righteous lecture. But you won't have to hear any of it. Instead, you'll just be shaking your head and nonchalantly going, "Nuh uh!" every so often. Let this go on for several hours, the longer the better. Let the little guy tucker himself out. Eventually he'll begin to get drowsy, which is when you stab him in the head with your lightsaber.

Old Man Ben Kenobi

This is the easiest, most effective way to beat Obi-Wan, but it's also something of a long game. Only the most patient Obi-Wan haters will be able to go the distance. But hey, if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing incredibly slowly over several decades.

Wait until he's really old, like pensioner old, and has been living in a cave for 20 years letting himself get rusty (NOTE: during this time, you should have remained FROSTY in exact inverse proportion to his rustiness.). Then pick a fight.

Remember: he's old now. At some point he will get tired, or remember he forgot to drink his prune juice that morning, or his mind will drift off thinking about those darned kids next door who keep kicking their ball into his backyard. This is the moment you've been waiting for! Strike like a genetically engineered super cobra who has arms and a robotic body specifically built for rapid striking.

Congratulations, you've just defeated one of the hardest Jedi to have ever lived. You have gained the rank of Galactic badass.

Vadercation Episode II: Disneyland

A Sith Lord's work is never done, but that doesn't mean Darth Vader can't take time out from his busy schedule of Jedi killing and dissident suppressing to take a little Vadercation every now and then.

When he asked the PR team to schedule his next holiday, the boss had only a few requirements:

• No lava
• Seriously, no lava
• Holiday venue should be run by a merciless Empire
• Plenty of high adrenalin activities to keep the losing wife/friend/limbs night terrors away
• Lots of attractive yet non-threatening Princess-types
• Constant screams of the innocent a plus

Only one place fit all of the criteria: Disneyland. Obviously. Sit back, use the Force to grab a drink from the fridge and enjoy the highlights from the Dark Lord's Disneyland Vadercation to the all new Star Tours.

Thank you to the many, many Sithizens who sent us the link.

10 Easy Ways to Get the "Leia Look"

Whether she's helping to blow up Death Stars or mercilessly killing Stormtroopers with unerring accuracy, one thing's for sure: Princess Leia Organa is one sexy terrorist. If you want to look like the galaxy's most wanted style icon this season, just follow these ten simple steps to get the "Leia Look".

10) Staple cinnamon buns to your head

Everybody's doing it. You don't want to be left out, do you? And hey, if it's good enough for a Princess, it's sure as Hoth good enough for you.

9) Enjoy a rejuvenating bath

Forget mud baths and cucumber masks, Princess Leia maintains her youthful appearance via a radical new beauty regime: spending time in trash compactors. Bathing in raw sewerage while being slowly compressed to death in exfoliating garbage might seem a bit extreme at first, but Leia's flawless skin speaks for itself. As an added bonus, high pressure life and death situations are a great way to meet that special someone.

8) The Rebellion effect

Even the worst looking person in the entire galaxy will be instantly transformed into a radiant goddess of beauty and light if you're one of only two women in your entire organisation (i.e. you work at a "Sausage Sizzle"). Who would your average scruffy looking nerf herder choose: The creepy old guy in the robe? The whiny farm kid? The giant angry space bear? No way. (Not unless it gets really cold.) Suddenly the overbearing, disturbingly short lady with the weird hair in the form fitting white outfit is looking pretty damn good, isn't she?

7) Get back to nature

Stripping your life back to the bear bare essentials is a surefire way to bring out a more natural, more beautiful you. The fresh air and sunlight you soak up during speeder bike chases will help replenish your mind and soul, and nothing beats the adrenalin rush of surviving high speed bike crashes. Also, let's be honest, being fawned over by feral mutant teddy bears can be a great ego boost.

6) Date a douchebag

Dating a space pirate douchebag isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it does have its advantages. His inability to say, "I love you", and commit to the relationship will keep you in a state of constant anxiety, making it difficult to overindulge on food, or happiness. As if that's not enough, regularly saving him from Stormtroopers or posing as a suicide bomber in order to rescue him from the clutches of enterprising space businessmen will keep you active and ensure there's never a dull moment in your terrible relationship.

5) Take some "you" time

In an Imperial detention block. In between stealing secret plans, plotting the deaths of millions of innocent people on the Death Star and fighting the strange attraction you feel towards your brother, it's almost impossible to find time to just focus on yourself. Thankfully, there's nothing quite like spending time in solitary confinement to help you catch up on some much needed beauty sleep. Not to mention the constant fear of being tortured and/or killed might really help you review your life choices and find inner peace, which is the best way to bring back that inner glow.

4) Have a goal outfit

If you're having trouble finding the motivation to get buff, why not set yourself a goal outfit for that holiday on that secluded desert planet you've been planning for years but never gotten around to? And remember the golden goal outfit rule: the more ridiculously skimpy, incredibly impractical and made of metal your outfit is, the greater your incentive to succeed.

3) Be pursued by a Galactic Empire

A high intensity cardio workout is a great way to blast away the winter flab, but an even better way to stay fit is to be relentlessly pursued by the armed forces of a galaxy-spanning evil Empire. If running away from Stormtroopers, escaping space battles and generally just constantly fearing for your life doesn't keep your heart rate up in the fat burning zone, nothing will!

2) Choose the right job

How many times have you seen somebody gets a cushy office job in front of a computer with a food court nearby and before you know it, they've packed on 30kgs? Not Princess Leia. Whether she's leading the Rebellion from the front lines of the command centre far away from the actual battle, or working as a Slave Girl in Jabba's Palace, Leia chooses physically and mentally demanding jobs that help keep her fit. Remember: murdering giant defenseless space slugs by choking them to death is great resistance training!

1) Have an Awesome Dad

Ultimately, the two most attractive things in the galaxy are brains and confidence. And they both begin at home, with the love and support of your friends and family. Leia's father, Darth Vader, was born a slave on a desert planet, but his daughter grew up to be a Princess, a Jedi Knight and eventual Chief of State of the New Republic. All after his wife, Padmé, died. It isn't always easy to be smart, self-assured and driven, but when you have an the best single dad ever to love and support and occasionally-blow-up-your-home-planet-to-teach-you-a-valuable-life-lesson you, anything is possible.

Respect

You have to admire anybody who can wear a cape to work and still command the respect of their employees.

 Kick ass art by Livio Ramondelli, via Coolvibe.

The Greatest LEGO Diorama in the Galaxy

Imperial Employee of the Month Jay Hoff has been hard at work building the greatest LEGO Diorama in this or any other Galaxy. An impressive, most impressive 37,000 pieces of LEGO (as well as, presumably, a scary amount of time and money), including 388 mini-figurines, went into this custom commemoration of the Emperor's arrival on the second Death Star.

This great moment in Imperial history was made in 2011 for Science Discovery Day at Berkeley Preparatory School in Tampa. It uses an Imperial Shuttle Kit with custom designed Death Star hangar.

And yes, if you look closely enough, you might be able to spot a few Clone Troopers and a cameo appearance by Darth Maul, but only because they were really there at the time. Weren't you paying attention?

Thanks to Chris Nagle via Blastr for the tip.

10 Reasons Why You Should Work for the Galactic Empire

With more and more planets coming under the benevolent rule of the great Emperor Palpatine by the day, there's never been a better time to join the Galactic Empire. Here are ten reasons why you should work for us:





10) Earn good money

Well, actually, you’ll earn minimum wage (if you’re lucky) and you'll like it. But on the upside, that’s loads better than having Stormtroopers visit your house in the middle of the night and burning your house down because you decided not to join the Galactic Empire.

9) Great health benefits

Working for the Galactic Empire will ensure you remain in peak physical fitness at all times. After all, what better high intensity fat blasting cardio workout is there than running around doing the bidding of two extremely demanding sociopathic evil sorcerers? Plus, you can forget about Bikram Yoga once you get deployed to a desert planet in full body combat armour.

8) Plenty of opportunities for promotion

There’s literally nothing worse than slaving away day after day, being constantly overlooked for the promotion you so richly deserve. In the Galactic Empire, our on-the-spot employee performance appraisals and liberal use of Force chokes as part of our progressive disciplinary policy ensures there are always vacancies in key management positions for young go-getters. Particularly if you have a flexible approach to certain moral grey areas (like “murder” and “oppression”) and a high pain threshold.

 

7) Travel to exotic worlds

And blow them up.

6) Learn about other cultures

In your travels, you'll encounter diverse cultures, experience fascinating new customs, and be forced to listen to innumerable conversations in alien languages you don'have the time or inclination to understand. You'll also have plenty of time to study their combat methods and tactics in the event that you need to frame them for the murder of unhelpful moisture farmers.

5) Meet interesting people

The galaxy is a vast and wondrous place, teeming with strange and intriguing aliens you couldn't possibly imagine in your wildest dreams. And you'll get to oppress and brutalise them all personally. Or, for those of you who are more interested in hobnobbing with high society, why not consider joining the 483rd Legion, where kidnapping Princesses is their specialty?

4) Face exciting challenges

Most jobs are the same boring stuff day after day. Same cubicle, same coffee place, same small talk, then you die. However, some rare jobs make you continually challenge and better yourself, enabling you to achieve things you'd never have thought possible. Like trying to kill magic space knights with superpowers and laser swords before they can kill you while wearing insanely large helmets that are almost impossible to see anything out of.

3) Stick it to the Alliance

The Rebels talk a big game about fighting for freedom and equality and peace but their track record tells a different story. Would people who love peace really have blown up the Death Star, killing over a million people? Would people who believe in equality really only employ two women, neither of whom are allowed to get involved in the fighting? Why didn't Chewbacca get a medal as well? Will they see Han Solo brought to justice for drug smuggling and the murder of single father and soup kitchen volunteer, Greedo? At least with us you know what you're getting.

2) Work for "hands on" bosses

Most people working for big business or government bodies go their entire careers without ever meeting the men and women at the top. Thankfully, Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader both believe in spending time with their employees, getting to know them personally before choking, electrifying, or occasionally even beheading them to death. You call it "murder", we call it "micromanaging".

1) Be more than just a number

Here in the Galactic Empire, we care about our employees and their hopes and dreams. Unlike some corporations, we view our workers as distinct individuals who are so much more than just faceless, anonymous clone drones. You'll never be just a number to us. Because we care.