10 Terrifying Things Doctor Who Can Teach Us About Humanity's Future

Doctor Who isn't just a documentary about the most evil being in the galaxy and how he constantly goes to other people's worlds and mercilessly kills them when they were just trying to go about their average Tuesday. It also teaches us a lot about the future of humanity and all of the wonderful things you will do. Okay, not really. Mostly it just shows you how terrible it will be for you all.


Here are 10 terrifying things Doctor Who can teach us about Humanity's future:

10. You'll all turn into LOLcats

Show us a person who hasn't spent hours of a Saturday night trawling the internet for pictures of cats with funny captions, LOLing at the antics of those aptly named LOLcats and we'll show you a person who hasn't lived, loved, or LOL'd. Unfortunately, they won't seem so funny when you become one in the year 5 billion and 23 (New Earth). To really add insult to injury, you'll be forced to wear one of those flying nun habits. But whatever you do, DON'T THINK ABOUT HOW THE CAT/PERSON RACE GOT STARTED. Oh, you already are? That's a shame, isn't it?

9. Plastic surgery will get even worse

If you think that the current Hollywood trend for everybody to get so much plastic surgery that they gradually turn into the cat people mentioned above is a bit disturbing, or Mickey Rourke's twisted, inhuman visage turns your very soul to ice, you're probably not going to love the distant future. Because The End of the World shows us that in the year five billion you won't need boob jobs or tummy tucks. You'll just need your face, some skin and a nice picture frame to put it all in.

8. Reality TV will become even more popular

If you're one of the few people tired of the 47 "different" versions of The Horrible Housewives of Someplace Terrible, are sick of trying to Keep Up With the Kardashians, and wish that global warming would just hurry up and wash away the Jersey Shore, there's good news and bad news. The good news is, you have a brain. The bad news is, there's going to be loads more reality TV by the year 200,100. In Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways, there's an entire Satellite devoted to beaming out reality TV. What's truly terrifying about this is that it says humanity will STILL be watching Big Brother and The Weakest Link 200,000 years from now. Maybe we should just bring the Death Star over right now and end your suffering.

7. Pretty much everything inanimate will come to life and it will hate you

Doctor Who is filled with stories of inanimate things coming to life and deciding immediately to devote their lives to destroying/enslaving/feeding on humanity. Shop mannequins (Rose), television sets (The Idiot's Lantern), statues (Blink), and even satellite navigation systems (The Sontaran Stratagem), though upon reflection that last one probably isn't very surprising. So basically, unless you plan on living out your days in a cave in the middle of nowhere, you should probably expect a battle to the death against your household appliances some time in the near future.

6. Holidays will be a really bad idea

We know you're thinking to yourself, "Hooray! In the future I'll be able to jump in a space ship and fly to exotic and interesting locales and meet strange and wondrous alien life forms and have adventures and things!" Well you're right, you will definitely be able to do all of those things, except for one teeny, tiny little problem: every single alien on each of those worlds wants to kill you. On some of those worlds, like the crystalline resort planet Midnight (Midnight), you don't even get to see the thing trying to horribly murder you, it just crawls into people's brains and mimics you until people get annoyed and throw you from the shuttle.

5. Say goodbye to human evolution

The Doctor has been to the furthest corners of the universe, and even the end of time (Utopia) and back again, but no matter where he goes one thing remains the same: people. No matter where he visits them, or what time period he finds them in, humans always look exactly the same as they do in the 21st Century. Too bad, humanity. You may spread out across the stars like an unstoppable spaceship delivered super STD but you'll never develop that prehensile tail or those totally sweet gills Kevin Costner had in Waterworld.

4. YOU'RE the bad guys

"Whaaa! We've been victimised by evil aliens again! Boo hoo!" Oh, poor Earth. While it's true that, yes, the very occasional space monster does try to kill or enslave you all (see below), the reality is that you're going to do far worse to them. You see, in the future you're going to colonise countless worlds throughout the universe, doing to them exactly what every colonial power did to every indigenous culture on Earth: kill them, take their land and resources, then "give" them small amounts of their land to live on while robbing them of their rights for their own protection. And because you're feeling extra nice, you'll also "give" them really cushy slave labour jobs. See: the Ood (Planet of the Ood, The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit).

3. Earth will be constantly invaded by evil aliens

Is there anything better than a lazy Sunday morning? A nice sleep in, bacon and eggs with coffee from the cafe down the street, followed by an hour or two curled up with a good book. Aaah, that's the life. Or it used to be. Because in the future, your sleep in will be being up early running for your life, bacon will be Daleks (Every Second Doctor Who Episode Ever), eggs will be Cybermen (Every Third Doctor Who Episode Ever), coffee will be Sontarans, the cafe will be a reality bomb and the book will be YOU EXPLODING. Because if there's one thing that Doctor Who consistently teaches us, it's that Earth is a magnet for every single bastardous alien in existence. Three quarters of the time they don't even come to Earth for any particular reason except just to mess with you. Which is actually fair enough, really.

2. You won't get to marry Amy Pond

Yes, she's your dream woman. Yes, you feel a special unspoken bond because of that time her hazel eyed gaze pierced the camera, shot out through the television set and locked onto yours in an expression of love that surely no two other people could possibly share. Well get in line, buddy. Ms. Pond is already spoken for by Rory Williams. Yes, the guy with the nose. Even worse, there's no point even contemplating trying to kill him to get him out of the picture, because the guy literally cannot die. No, wait, he literally dies all the FRIGGING TIME (Amy's Choice, Cold Blood, The Curse of the Black Spot, The Doctor's Wife [twice!]), but don't get your hopes up, because he KEEPS COMING BACK.

1. One day you'll all be tiny Death Stars

In Utopia, the Doctor, Captain Jack and Martha travel to the end of the universe in the year 100 trillion. When they get back to the present (The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords), they find that the Master has taken control of earth with the help of the Toclafane, six billion tiny little Death Stars. It turns out the Master has converted all of the remaining humans at the end of time into incredibly bloodthirsty cyborg death spheres and brought them back using a Paradox Machine so they can kill everyone in the present (namely, you). Actually, six billion tiny Death Stars sounds pretty good. So at least there's that to look forward to, right?

Lord Voldemort: Behind the Basilisk

With the Deathly Hallows Part 2 due to hit cinemas on July 13^th, the impending death of Harry Potter to celebrate and the total domination of the world to plan for, Twitter’s one and only Lord Voldemort is one very busy evil wizard.

Thankfully, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed” found the time to answer a few of Death Star PR’s questions about eternal life, taking over the universe and everything.

DSPR: Firstly, congratulations on being the first “fictional” character to pass 1 million Twitter followers. How does one celebrate such a momentous milestone?

LV: I would tell you but the celebration is revealed only to those who make it to this momentous milestone. Yes, Gaga, Britney, Bieber, NASA & I are all in the know about this secret. Like I said, I’d share; but horrible things tend to happen to people who try and enter my chamber of secrets when they shouldn’t...

DSPR: Speaking of Lady Gaga, she dresses crazier than Bellatrix Lestrange and calls herself “Mother Monster”, and Charlie Sheen recently claimed he was the world’s most powerful warlock. Are today’s celebrities just trying to ride on your cloaktails?
LV: It’s upsetting to me that people feel they can leech off of my fame. I know a thing or two about living off of someone else; I did live in Quirrel’s head.  Let me tell you; while unicorn blood is refreshing and quenches your near-death thirst, there is nothing better than living on your own. (Unless it’s seven of you living on your own in various places of course). These people need to find their own thing. Look at Cedric Diggory. He realized being yet another whiny, wizard, git didn’t work for him so he took up sparkling. Do I advise this route? No. But to each his own.

DSPR: People see your movie star good looks, plush velour bathrobes, exotic pets and all the other trappings of superstardom, and forget that you’re a self-made man. Has the road to success been an easy one for you?

LV: The road to my success was neither easy nor hard… it was non-existent. You don’t need a road to success when you can apparate to success; or, better yet, fly.

 

DSPR: Dumbledore was the yin to your yang, the beard to your clean-shaven look, the dead to your still alive. Are there any positives you can take out of that relationship now that he’s gone?

LV: Well, as you stated, Dumbledore and I were opposites. I plan on continuing our yin-yang relationship & fully embracing the being alive to his dead.

DSPR: Speaking of Dumbledore’s demise, it seems like Severus Snape has finally made himself useful. What are the best and worst things about having henchmen?

LV: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Dumbledore…. well Dumbledore never fully embraced the whole “henchman-are-useful” mentality. I like to think of them less as “henchmen” and more “evil groupies”.  I’d say the best thing about having Henchmen is the loyalty. You know, people like Wormtail are literally willing to give their right arm to serve me. Snape? Well that’s the kind of guy who would never, ever stab me in the back. I mean, there’s a better chance that Hagrid would become a professor than Snape betraying me. As if that would ever happen. The worst thing is that I started some kind of weird trend. Now every group feels the need to “name” themselves. It’s worse than the asinine “couple-naming” that people do.  My name is already ridiculous enough, I don’t need you adding to it. Now there are “Beliebers,” “Little Monsters,” “Smilers.” I think they should all group themselves together and form a new group. We can call them ‘dead’.

DSPR: Just between us, can you share any “Deathly Hallows Part 2” spoilers with us? Is that Harry kid finally going to get what he deserves?

LV: I think you’ll be surprised by the ending. They haven’t let me see it yet but I’ve been promised that it would be completely different than this “book” ending. One that reflects what REALLY happened. As you know from my previous interview, that “JK Rowling” character got into a bit of a tiff with me when I refused her advances. Suddenly I was “evil,” “couldn’t love” and she refused to even speak my name. Drama-queen. She really crucioed my patience so I’ve been promised that this will be a more accurate reflection of a wizard who knows how to make magic and loves playing with his snake. Wait…

DSPR: Between Harry “The Boy Who Lived” Potter being famous just for not dying and the cast of Jersey Shore being famous for being stupid, does it ever surprise you that there are still people out there who don’t want you to take over the world?

LV: It does. It really does. I mean, can anybody get famous nowadays? What happened to the good old days where you DIDN’T want people to say your name? I go around helpfully killing off stupidity faster than Bella Swan can kill someone’s patience and all I get is complaining.

DSPR: When it comes to magic, is it the materials of your wand or how you use it?
LV: I mean, my wand is thirteen inches. I don’t need felix felicis to get “lucky” if you know what I’m saying. That being said, it’s definitely about how you use your wand but when I meet a special lady I’ll let her see what’s inside it…

DSPR: With the occasional attempted avada kedavraing of unaccompanied minors and assorted Muggles, wizards, etc, you’ve developed something of a “bad boy” reputation. Is that a fair assessment?

LV: Listen, I speak the truth (as well as sarcasm and parseltongue) and if that makes me “bad” then so be it. However, I can never be a bad “boy” as I’m not a boy. Really, if you think about it, I’m teaching a valuable lesson. Don’t want to be killed? Don’t suck. It’s as simple as that.

DSPR: Finally, you mentioned you speak parseltongue. Out of curiousity, do snake’s have anything interesting to say?

LV: My snake has a lot of interesting things to say. Ladies, if you’d like to know more, I’d be happy to introduce you some time.

DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been an absolute pleasure talking to you. Thank you for allowing us to enter your chamber of secrets once again.

Click here to read our first exclusive "Behind the Wand" interview with Lord Voldemort. 

11 Star Wars Themed Father/Son Activities You Can Do This Father's Day

To celebrate Father's Day, Death Star PR considers what we can learn from the relationships between fathers and sons, mentors and students seen in the Star Wars films, and how we can apply these lessons in the form of 11 everyday father/son activities.

11) Get Back to Nature

There's nothing quite like roughing it to bring out the MAN in you. There's something primal and inherently good about spending time in the great outdoors. Pitching a tent, hiking, canoeing, and skillfully hunting cute, innocent woodland creatures to death with high-powered guns from an extreme distance are all fun ways to get healthy while enjoying one another's company. And if you think a forest sounds a bit too pedestrian, then why not try a swamp? Leeches, spooky caves filled with psychic manifestations of evil and kleptomaniacal goblins -- what's not to love?

10) Tell Stories

Kids love a good story, but forget telling him stories about dragons and fairy godmothers and anthropomorphic singing mice. Here's your chance to go just go crazy and make a ton of shit up. Tell him his real dad died years ago! Or that he doesn't actually have a sister! Remember: lies by omission are almost as fun! So while you're wildly exaggerating the truth, make sure NOT to tell him important things he should know, like the fact that you chopped his real dad to bits, because let's face it, that stuff can be a bit of a downer on your special day.

9) Play hide and seek

Parents are often so busy working and doing stuff that they sometimes forget to enjoy themselves, or to spend precious family time playing with their kids. But not in the Star Wars universe, where there is a grand tradition of father/son types enjoying all sorts of fun games together. Games like Pin the Lightsaber in the Stomach of Your Friend and Operation: Cyborg Sith Lord edition. Though no matter which galaxy you're in, Hide and Seek is always a classic choice for good, wholesome fun. Obi-Wan Kenobi and Darth Vader played one game for over twenty years, but even Old Ben couldn't take Yoda's spot as Undefeated Hide and Seek Champion of the Galaxy. Vader and Luke also played a rousing round, with the Sith Lord sending probe droids all across the galaxy just to find his son.

8) Break in to a high security government facility/prison

For the more thrill-seeking father/son combinations, not much gets the adrenalin pumping more than breaking into the most heavily guarded, high security prison/government facility in the galaxy to rescue a Princess. Sure, it may result in dad's eventual death at the hands of his evil magic cyborg ex-BFF but the important thing is, he'll be dead you'll have had a hoot of a time with an incredibly noble death at the end of it.

7) Or gamble on death races!

If you can't think of a Princess worth saving, or believe that a modern day Princess should be quite capable of rescuing herself, thank you very much, but still crave that adrenalin fix, why not sign your kid up for an incredibly high-speed, potentially deadly pod race? Make it more thrilling by gambling heavily and irresponsibly on the outcome, but make sure you use your magic powers to cheat if you possibly can! Don't be alarmed: all of morally reprehensible stuff is OKAY because you're A GOOD GUY.

6) Become One with the Force

We see some of you sad sacks sobbing away as you read this going, "But my dad died, how am I supposed to celebrate Father's Day?" Well cheer up, because we've got news for you: your dad isn't dead, he just became one with the Force. He never left your side. Which means he's watching you right now. He's ALWAYS been watching you. And yes, that means he was watching you last night when you got home from work late and decided to have some alone time on that special website you don't tell your wife about. Think about how much fun you'll have now, doing EVERYTHING TOGETHER FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.

5) Confront your issues

There's no greater gift than the gift of forgiveness, except maybe the gift of a giant planet-destroying laser, or at least some kind of huge walking armoured behemoth capable of crushing your enemies underfoot like twigs. Okay, so the forgiveness thing maybe isn't "Top 5" gift material, but it's still right up there. One thing people don't do in the Star Wars universe is avoid their problems. Have an issue with your former best friend/father figure turning against you and trying to steal your incredibly hot forbidden wife? Talk it out. Don't let it fester and turn you into that douchey passive aggressive person. Calmly discuss your issues and move on, which in our galaxy means "Grab a lightsaber and attack one another in a no-holds barred battle to the death, until one of you moves on... to another plane of existence".

4) Visit Hives of Scum and Villainy

Obi-Wan and Luke's visit to that cantina in Mos Eisley taught us that visiting seedy bars is a super way for a father figure and his impressionable young ward to spend some quality time together. Whether you're making friends with smugglers, getting drunk with angry space bears, cutting off the arms of people trying to make friendly chatter, or just watching your new mate casually pre-emptively murder aliens, a great time will be had by all. Well, apart from the people you sent to the hospital and/or morgue.

3) Execute Order 66

If you want a healthy father/son relationship, it's essential to share hobbies that you both enjoy. Things like baseball and video games give you something to bond over, as well as something to talk about instead of doing scary stuff like sharing your actual feelings. They also help your child learn valuable lessons like, "Teamwork, yay!" and, "If a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well." And if that hobby happens to be the total elimination of an entire order of magical peacekeeping space monks, so be it. At least it has less of a social stigma than making model trains.

2) Build a Death Star

If sharing hobbies can bring a father and son closer together, having a project can be the ultimate bonding experience. Yes, there will be frustrations and times where things don't go to plan, but that all pales compared to the joy of achieving a goal you've been working towards for years. If you think that building a tree house together makes for some great memories, imagine the laughs you'll share looking back on your 20+ year, $15.6 septillion building project that involved draining the natural resources, and utilising the slave labour, of hundreds of worlds.

1) Rule the Galaxy as Father and Son

Cost of building a Death Star: $15.6 septillion. Supporting the infrastructure required to ruthlessly oppress an entire galaxy: $835 septillion. Running the family business together: Priceless.

10 Easy Ways to Get the "Leia Look"

Whether she's helping to blow up Death Stars or mercilessly killing Stormtroopers with unerring accuracy, one thing's for sure: Princess Leia Organa is one sexy terrorist. If you want to look like the galaxy's most wanted style icon this season, just follow these ten simple steps to get the "Leia Look".

10) Staple cinnamon buns to your head

Everybody's doing it. You don't want to be left out, do you? And hey, if it's good enough for a Princess, it's sure as Hoth good enough for you.

9) Enjoy a rejuvenating bath

Forget mud baths and cucumber masks, Princess Leia maintains her youthful appearance via a radical new beauty regime: spending time in trash compactors. Bathing in raw sewerage while being slowly compressed to death in exfoliating garbage might seem a bit extreme at first, but Leia's flawless skin speaks for itself. As an added bonus, high pressure life and death situations are a great way to meet that special someone.

8) The Rebellion effect

Even the worst looking person in the entire galaxy will be instantly transformed into a radiant goddess of beauty and light if you're one of only two women in your entire organisation (i.e. you work at a "Sausage Sizzle"). Who would your average scruffy looking nerf herder choose: The creepy old guy in the robe? The whiny farm kid? The giant angry space bear? No way. (Not unless it gets really cold.) Suddenly the overbearing, disturbingly short lady with the weird hair in the form fitting white outfit is looking pretty damn good, isn't she?

7) Get back to nature

Stripping your life back to the bear bare essentials is a surefire way to bring out a more natural, more beautiful you. The fresh air and sunlight you soak up during speeder bike chases will help replenish your mind and soul, and nothing beats the adrenalin rush of surviving high speed bike crashes. Also, let's be honest, being fawned over by feral mutant teddy bears can be a great ego boost.

6) Date a douchebag

Dating a space pirate douchebag isn't everyone's cup of tea, but it does have its advantages. His inability to say, "I love you", and commit to the relationship will keep you in a state of constant anxiety, making it difficult to overindulge on food, or happiness. As if that's not enough, regularly saving him from Stormtroopers or posing as a suicide bomber in order to rescue him from the clutches of enterprising space businessmen will keep you active and ensure there's never a dull moment in your terrible relationship.

5) Take some "you" time

In an Imperial detention block. In between stealing secret plans, plotting the deaths of millions of innocent people on the Death Star and fighting the strange attraction you feel towards your brother, it's almost impossible to find time to just focus on yourself. Thankfully, there's nothing quite like spending time in solitary confinement to help you catch up on some much needed beauty sleep. Not to mention the constant fear of being tortured and/or killed might really help you review your life choices and find inner peace, which is the best way to bring back that inner glow.

4) Have a goal outfit

If you're having trouble finding the motivation to get buff, why not set yourself a goal outfit for that holiday on that secluded desert planet you've been planning for years but never gotten around to? And remember the golden goal outfit rule: the more ridiculously skimpy, incredibly impractical and made of metal your outfit is, the greater your incentive to succeed.

3) Be pursued by a Galactic Empire

A high intensity cardio workout is a great way to blast away the winter flab, but an even better way to stay fit is to be relentlessly pursued by the armed forces of a galaxy-spanning evil Empire. If running away from Stormtroopers, escaping space battles and generally just constantly fearing for your life doesn't keep your heart rate up in the fat burning zone, nothing will!

2) Choose the right job

How many times have you seen somebody gets a cushy office job in front of a computer with a food court nearby and before you know it, they've packed on 30kgs? Not Princess Leia. Whether she's leading the Rebellion from the front lines of the command centre far away from the actual battle, or working as a Slave Girl in Jabba's Palace, Leia chooses physically and mentally demanding jobs that help keep her fit. Remember: murdering giant defenseless space slugs by choking them to death is great resistance training!

1) Have an Awesome Dad

Ultimately, the two most attractive things in the galaxy are brains and confidence. And they both begin at home, with the love and support of your friends and family. Leia's father, Darth Vader, was born a slave on a desert planet, but his daughter grew up to be a Princess, a Jedi Knight and eventual Chief of State of the New Republic. All after his wife, Padmé, died. It isn't always easy to be smart, self-assured and driven, but when you have an the best single dad ever to love and support and occasionally-blow-up-your-home-planet-to-teach-you-a-valuable-life-lesson you, anything is possible.

George Lucas Strikes Back

If you thought that George Lucas, the cinematic genius behind the Star Wars and Indiana Jones original trilogies, actually had anything to do with the train wreck that was the prequel movies, you were wrong... dead wrong.

Witness the shocking truth and remember: not all men are created prequel.

"How do you take down an Empire like that?"

"You shoot first."

Via @Glinner.

Return of the Jedi A-Holes

It's common knowledge throughout the Galaxy that the Jedi are complete a-holes, which is why we heroically ruthlessly murdered them all in surprise attacks. Mostly from behind. From as far away as possible.

They steal children away from their parents and allow those children to participate in incredibly dangerous pod races for their own personal gain. They lie constantly about all kinds of stuff that other people MIGHT consider to be a LITTLE bit important, like the fact that those people MIGHT have a father that's still alive and/or a sister they're weirdly attracted to.

So yes, the Jedi are a-holes, but we have to give these two guys some credit for at least being honest about it. Here's "Jedi A-Holes Strike Back".

FLOWCHART: How to Deal With Your Impending Doom

FORM 2B/N07-2B: NOTIFICATION OF IMPENDING DOOM

Dear Citizen of Planet ________________________,

It has come to our attention that your planet is due for apocalypse. The Galactic Empire understands it can be difficult to process this kind of news but DON'T PANIC.

We have prepared the following helpful instructional FLOWCHART to help you work through your wide variety of options in a thorough, yet timely fashion. Click to enlarge.

Brought to you by the Death Star Cares initiative. 

The Worst Couple in the Universe

We've been saying it for a long time: Han and Leia are the worst couple in the universe. He's a cocky douche bag who loves his giant space dog more than real people, she's an uptight Princess with daddy (and brother) issues. Not to mention the fact that they're both terrorists, wanted throughout the galaxy for aiding and abetting Luke Skywalker in the destruction of the first Death Star. Basically, they're both terrible, terrible people.

Thankfully, the good folks of OneMinuteGalactica have released the following excellent instructional video to prove it.

Via Topless Robot.

The Prequels in 2.5 Minutes

It's probably fair to say that some Star Wars fans in recent years have had a few problems with the prequel trilogy, choosing not to see it as the upliftingly epic tale of how a slave boy on a desert planet grew up to become a magic cyborg 2 I.C. of an entire Galaxy.

Instead, the naysayers focus on nitpicky little problems like the "overly complex" and "boring" subplot about Galactic taxation, "too much" reliance on special effects (is that even possible?), "wooden" acting and "plot holes" so big you could drive a Death Star through them.

Let's see what they have to say about this: all three prequels, just the good bits, in under two and a half minutes. With LEGO.

Via Topless Robot.

Existential Star Wars

Ever wondered how much better Star Wars would have been if it was a pretentious foreign film written by Jean-Paul Sarte? You know you have. Well wonder no more, because OneMinuteGalactica has done it for you.

Above all, the video proves that it would be horrible to be in the Rebellion, unless you love being all angst-ridden and despair-y.

"Help me, Obi-Wan Kenobi. I exist, and I find it nauseating."

The 10 Jerkiest Things Obi-Wan Kenobi Ever Did

While the Rebellion would have you believe that Obi-Wan Kenobi was an excellent mentor, a highly-regarded General, and arguably one of the greatest Jedi Masters ever, the truth is, he was a bit of a douche. In fact, he was such a massive jerk that the hardest thing about writing this list was narrowing it down to just the ten jerkiest things he ever did.

10) Calling Darth Vader a "Master of Evil"

Although he's always been a smug bastard, Obi-Wan took it to a new level when he came face to face with his old apprentice and ex-BFF on the Death Star, calling him a "Master of Evil". Hey Obi-Wan Jerknob-i: when the last time you met, you cut off someone's arm and both of their legs and threw them in to molten lava, you don't get to make a call about who's evil and who's not.

9) Always cutting off everyone's arms

Look, we know we bring this up a fair bit but we really feel that it's a valid point because seriously, doesn't someone with amazing Force powers that include telekinesis, superhuman speed and reflexes, empathy and even limited precognition have A SINGLE BETTER OPTION FOR DISARMING SOMEONE THAN LITERALLY DISARMING THEM? 

8) Training Luke
Although Obi-Wan used the Force for loads of things, he used it most for backflipping like crazy on his opinions. As a younger Jedi, Obi-Wan didn't want Qui-Gon Jinn to train Anakin because he was "too old" for the training at age nine, but was only too happy to train Luke when he was 19. Why? No, not "out of necessity" Kenobi apologists,  but because when you're a hypocritical jerk you can make the rules up as you go along.

7) Not helping Luke on Hoth

Here's the scenario: Your friend has just barely survived a near-fatal crash on a snow planet and is now literally freezing to death. As a ghost who has "become more powerful than you can possibly imagine" by becoming One With The Force, do you:
a) Use your nifty ghost teleportational powers to go get help;
b) Do anything else in any way actually helpful; or,
c) Be a complete jerkbag and ignore the fact that the kid is dying of hypothermia and internal injuries and just give him his next set of marching orders?
You guessed it.

6) Not training Leia

As a child of Anakin Skywalker, Princess Leia inherited great Force powers equal to those of her brother, Luke. So why didn't Obi Wan decide to train her too? Surely two Jedi would have had a better chance fighting evil Sith Lords than one? The answer is simple: Obi-Wan didn't like girls. 
Here's how the Yoda/Kenobi Dagobah conversation actually went:
Obi-Wan: "That boy is our last hope."
Yoda: "No, there is another."
Obi-Wan: "Yeah, I was at the birth, genius. Remember? I just don't count girls."

5) Being a bad friend

So what if love is expressly forbidden by the sacred laws of your ancient religion that has allowed your order of warrior space monks to maintain peace for over ten thousand years? What's so bad about falling in love? What possible downside is their to a moody young Jedi Knight with narcissistic tendencies and a bit of a God complex marrying a career-driven cougar ex-Queen? If Obi-Wan was a better friend, he would have stood by Anakin's decision to be married instead of getting all judgey about it.

4) Not telling Luke and Leia about being brother and sister

We can forgive Obi-Wan for the oversight. I mean, finding out you have a long-lost twin brother or sister probably isn't a big deal for orphans, right? You can certainly see how that little detail might not come up in the many, many hours of conversation aboard a starship hurtling towards the sibling in question. Oh well, it's not like anyone got hurt, because it's not like there's any chance the twins would meet and develop sexy feelings for each other, right?

3) Lying to Luke about his dad

Admittedly, telling the kid you've spent the last 19 years creepily spying on/"watching over" that you were the one who attempted to brutally murder his father is a pretty awkward conversation but it's probably right up there in terms of pretty important information they might want to know before they make the decision to hang out with you. Some people are just weird like that.

2) Leaving Anakin to die

Friends argue. Sometimes they even come to blows. But it takes a pretty special kind of "friend" to cut off your arm and legs and leave you to burn alive in molten lava. Even accepting the fact that Anakin was in some small way responsible for causing the tiff, if you have to be that guy who de-limbs his "friend" and throws them into magma, at least do them a solid for old times' sake and put them out of their incredibly, incredibly painful misery.

1) Hiding the droids we were looking for

By hiding R2-D2 and C-3PO from the great and benevolent Galactic Empire, Obi-Wan was directly responsible for the explosion of the Death Star, which resulted in the deaths of more than 1.3 million people. Sure, maybe a few of them were a teeny bit evil, but what about all of the service staff, subcontractors, senior citizen tour groups, people shopping in any of the 178 beautifully appointed shopping malls, and the sweet, innocent children in the Death Star's 604 baby creches?

In conclusion, Obi-Wan Kenobi: total and utter bastard.

An office far, far away Episode 6

"Plan"

Follow the continuing adventures of Duke, the new guy, as he tries to make it in the office of an evil Empire. So, pretty much every office, anywhere.

Sometimes Duke takes a sick day. When he does, we find out what's going on in the rest of the galaxy...

Click to enlarge:

Words: Robbie Boland

Art: Kristian Aus

Go to previous episode.

An office far, far away Episode 5

"First Impressions"

Follow the continuing adventures of Duke, the new guy, as he tries to make it in the office of an evil Empire. So, pretty much every office, anywhere.

Go to Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4.

Click to enlarge:

Words: Robbie Boland
Art: Kristian Aus

Hipster Star Wars

Yesterday on the Twitter David Hoang started a Hipster Star Wars tag. Some of the results were hilarious.

We thought we'd honour it by giving you the highlights of the greatest independent movie trilogy never to be made: Hipster Star Wars. Below you can find a link to the official opening crawl for the first film and the ten best quotes from the trilogy.

A long time ago when everything was cooler in a galaxy far, far away that's way too exclusive for you to have heard about...

HIPSTER STAR WARS

Episode IV: A New Hipster

Click here for the official Hipster STAR WARS crawl.

And now, our take on the "top" 10 "quotes" from the trilogy. Feel free to like them ironically or whatever:


10. Sure, the Force is strong with him but can he beat my top score on Super Mario Bros 3 NES? - Emperor Palpatine
9. Yeah, the Cantina scene was cool, but that bar serves expensive imports and I only drink PBR. - Luke Skywalker (via @DepressedDarth)
8. Join me and together I guess we can rule the Galaxy and stuff... or whatever. - Darth Vader
7. I'd participate in Hipster Star Wars but everyone is doing it now. - Emperor Palpatine (via @LordPalpatine)
6. Mainstream society's acceptance? Shoes? A hipster Jedi craves not these things. - Yoda
5. The Empire? Yeah, their first Death Star was okay, but a SECOND Death Star? So five years ago. - Han Solo
4. Meh the Force be with you... or whatever. - Obi Wan Kenobi (via @bonniegrrl)
3. Leia: I love your scarf.
Han: I know.
(via @TheSlush)
2. I joined the Empire before it was cool to go Dark Side. - Grand Moff Tarkin
1. I liked Admiral Ackbar before he knew there was a trap. - Mon Motha (via @DavidHoang)

Psychological Warfare

Everyone knows you don't mess with Darth Vader. He can kill you with a lightsaber. He can kill you with the Force. He can even kill you with his bare robotic hand. But he's not all about the killing. Sometimes he's about the psychological warfare:

Bottom line: You don't mess with Darth Vader.

We didn't create this image. If anybody knows the original source, please let us know.

Death Star Poetry 2

Freedom is wasted on the free,
Who only use it to watch more TV.
It's the poor and oppressed
Who appreciate it best -
The dream of sweet liberty.

This poem brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Darth Vader: Behind the Mask

Darth Vader: you know him as the Dark Lord of the Sith, He-Who-Brought-Balance-to-the-Force, Twitter royalty, hero to billions and perhaps the greatest icon of our time. But what is the man behind the mask behind the legend really like?

Death Star PR finds out.

DSPR: Lord Vader, thank you for taking the time to talk to us, we understand that you’re a very busy man.
DV: You may dispense with the pleasantries, PR lackey. I’ve just traced the rebels to their hidden base on Hoth. My skivvies are warming in the dryer as we speak. Fire away (no pun intended) before the buzzer sounds.

DSPR: You’ve taken to Twitter like a Jedi to failing. What do you enjoy most about interacting with your legions of fans?
DV: The chance to strike fear into the hearts of the denizens of this backwater little world one-on-one. There really is nothing like force-choking someone via a 140 character text message. The marriage proposals are nice too.

DSPR: Your fans number over 200,000. What do you put your popularity down to?
DV: I like to think it’s my unwavering commitment to the Dark Side, but the ladies know the real reason. The black leather, the heavy breathing, my command of the Force. I have these things in evil spades and they’re the same reason that girl you liked so much in high school didn’t give you the time of day. She was pining for Fonzie, while you were busy being Richie Cunningham.

DSPR: When you’re not tweeting or killing people how do you spend your time?
DV: I search the galaxy for my whiny-ass son, make back-room deals with turncoat scoundrels and do the occasional voice over work for CNN and TomTom to pay the bills.

DSPR: For some strange reason, some people seem to think of you as a bad guy. How do you respond to that kind of negativity?
DV: Just because I slaughtered all those Sand People and younglings people seem to think I’m this big baddie. Let me just say for the record they all had it coming, especially those lackey admirals that litter the floor around the Death Star cafeteria. It’s so hard to find good help these days.

DSPR: What do you think is the biggest misconception people have about you?
DV: People seem to think I do what I do out of anger, and let’s be honest, a lot of it I do. But what I’m really all about is simply bringing order to a chaotic galaxy. You have to have rules or society degenerates into a bunch of Mon Calamari with boom boxes on your lawn at 3am. All I’m doing is keeping the squid in their place, try and remember that.

DSPR: This question’s from Jake, 12, on Bespin, who asks, “What’s it like being the 2 I.C. of the Galactic Empire?”
DV: It’s pretty cushy, Jake. I get to work my own hours, hunt down Jedi dogs for fun and intimidate entire plants, like yours, into submission. Hope you’re enjoying the new tax on those Bespin Burgers I levied. Your dad just paid to have my cape cleaned and pressed. How does that feel?
DSPR: You wear so many hats, or should we say “helmets”. What aspect of your job do you enjoy the most?
DV: The inescapable fact that people love everything that comes out of my asthmatic mouth. Even the simplest words such as “What?!”, “Sister!” and my all-time favorite “NOOOooooooooo!” become legendary. It’s good to be me.

DSPR: What advice would you give to any young people out there with a dream in their eye and evil in their heart hoping to follow in your footsteps?
DV: Start small, a journey of a thousand dead rebels begins with one step. Bully a school mate into giving you his lunch money or take your friend’s football and go home. Work your way up by downloading songs and movies off bittorrent and before you know it, you’ll be my new Dark Apprentice.

DSPR: As someone who is an inspiration to others, who, or what, inspires you?
DV: Truth be told, Obi Wan used to inspire me a great deal. He was my master after all. I learned a great deal from him before he got all soft and holier than thou. I really didn’t blink a scarred eye when I sent him to join the Force. Nowadays I get lots of inspiration from this planet’s so-called ‘entertainment’. Between the Twilight saga and Jersey Shore there’s no shortage of evil in the world.

DSPR: Being the most powerful Force user in the Galaxy must be great. What’s the most fun thing you’ve used or abused the Force for?
DV: Mind tricks never get old. Let’s just say I never have to wait in lines at restaurants, sporting events or major theme parks. I’m like one big, evil Fast Pass.

DSPR: You’ve led a very full life. Any regrets?
DV: Just that whole force choking and accidentally killing Padmé thing. If I could go back, that entire incident could have gone a lot better I think. Yeah.

DSPR: Finally, tell us something about Darth Vader that most people wouldn’t know.
DV: Evil skivvies dry faster than normal. My shuttle awaits, and your time is up. This has been a pleasure and an honour for you, I know.
DSPR: That goes without saying, my Lord, but just in case not saying it would result in a Force Choke - it’s been a pleasure and an honour chatting with you, Lord Vader. Thank you for your time.