Jacob French's Troopertrek: An Imperial March With A Difference

Stormtroopers are usually known for their unerring accuracy with a blaster rifle and for their heroically brave murdering of the Jedi, but 501st Legion ("Vader's Fist") member Jacob French is making a name for himself with a different kind of Imperial March.

French is walking the length of Australia solo on a "Troopertrek", from Perth to Sydney, a journey of some 5,000km (3,106m) in an attempt to raise $50,000 for the Starlight Children's Foundation, a charity designed to lift the spirits of seriously ill children.

To complete the grueling journey, Trooper French plans to walk 35-40km per day, five days a week, pushing a 50kg (110lb) buggy containing his supplies, all the while wearing his armour. Along the way, he will cross the dreaded Nullarbor Plain, a stretch of Tatooine-like desert 1,100km wide.

Don't let this Stormtrooper miss his target. Donate at Jacob French's website now.

This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Images via Huffington Post.

200 Reasons

Ke$ha has written 200 songs for her new album.

We like to think of them as 200 reasons why your death by explosion will be a merciful one.

This message brought to you by the Death Star Cares initiative.

An Open Letter to Beloved Academy Award Winning Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman,

Our warmest congratulations to you on the birth of your son. You've begun the journey of a lifetime, filled with laughter, love, crazy highs and even a few terrifying lows. And to show you just how much everyone here in the Galactic Empire cares, we decided to write you with some parenting tips to help guide you through it all.

You seem like an incredibly intelligent young lady. We read you have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology from Harvard University. Good for you, Natalie. And you did that all while undertaking an incredibly successful acting career? Wow. What an achievement. Your son should follow in your footsteps. Immerse him in the world of books and academia, or even, if you must, let him act. But keep him safe, Natalie. If he ever seems interested in adrenalin-fueled activities, or, say, expresses a desire to be some kind of space fighter pilot, just say no. But in a really motherly way that doesn't make him want to rebel against you and do it anyway (this is where that psychology degree will come in very handy).

Give him freedom (Yes, it's a balancing act, but if anyone can manage it, it's the Academy Award winning actress who gave a tour de force performance in Black Swan). If he wants to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters, let him. Where's the harm in that? It might even prevent him from keeping out of trouble/meeting a stalkery old hobo who will guide him down a path that will lead to the tragic deaths of his caretakers (i.e. you) by rogue Sand People, and the eventual explosion of some 1.3 million government employees.

Encourage him to make friends. We're sure you'll agree that good friends last a lifetime. But help him steer clear of making friends with the wrong people. Sure, that lovably ragtag, yet pluckily rebellious bunch of kids might seem cute at first, but it's scientifically proven that they'll grow up to be douchy space pirates, stroppy princesses and aggressive bears who cheat at board games. Are those really the sort of friends you want for your beloved son? We didn't think so.

This is a sensitive subject, Natalie, but we need to talk to you about Magic powers. Does the idea of your son moving things with the power of his mind, or enslaving lesser people's minds to his will sound good? Well it's not. He'll never get out of bed to do his chores, he'll always win at Jenga and you'll always end up eating whatever he wants for dinner. Think about what an insufferable jerk this kid will turn out to be. That's not the Natalie Portman way. Plus, he'll be trained by strange cave-dwelling old magicians who lie about everything and crazy old swamp goblins who can't even string a grammatically correct sentence together. And that's definitely not the Natalie Portman way.

You are incredibly beautiful but we're sure you'll agree, the most beautiful thing of all is a great personality. Teach him to love and value other people, no matter what walk of life they're from, be it black, white, or planet destroying Sith Lord. Help him to understand that violence is never the answer and war, be it of the Star variety or otherwise, only begets more war.

So if he wants to go bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home, say "No womp rat bullseyeing for you today, sonny Jim. Think of the poor womp rat family that will be devastated by the loss of Mr. Womp Rat when he doesn't come home from work. Mrs. Womp Rat will be totally inconsolable and never quite the same again and the children will grow up without a male role model, leading to lifetime of substance abuse, making a living on the Womp Rat pole. Do you really want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life? DO YOU?!"

And if he ever has a sister, watch those two Natalie. Watch them like a hawk with cybernetically enhanced vison wearing binoculars watches that sexy lady hawk undressing several city blocks away through her window. Never, ever separate them for an extended period of time during which you neglect to constantly remind them that they are brother and sister, because terrible things will happen. Dark, terrible, unnatural things. Trust us Natalie, you don't want the specifics. Just take our word for it.

Good luck to you, Natalie. May the Force be with you and your newborn son.

Yours admiringly,
The Death Star PR Team.


P.S. Thank you for not having twins... or is that EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT US TO THINK?

You're Welcome

The Galactic Empire is pleased to announce that we're working on a new targeted laser.

Testing to begin immediately on people who wear Ed Hardy t-shirts.

You're welcome, Earth.

Brought to you by the Death Star Cares initiative.

FLOWCHART: How to Deal With Your Impending Doom

FORM 2B/N07-2B: NOTIFICATION OF IMPENDING DOOM

Dear Citizen of Planet ________________________,

It has come to our attention that your planet is due for apocalypse. The Galactic Empire understands it can be difficult to process this kind of news but DON'T PANIC.

We have prepared the following helpful instructional FLOWCHART to help you work through your wide variety of options in a thorough, yet timely fashion. Click to enlarge.

Brought to you by the Death Star Cares initiative. 

WANTED: Luke Skywalker

Earth's most wanted terrorist, Osama Bin Laden, may be dead but rest assured Sithizens, the Galactic Empire's war against terror continues unabated. Emperor Palpatine has personally guaranteed that the "Mission Accomplished" banner will not fly until Luke Skywalker is brought to justice for his crimes against humanity [and assorted weird aliens].

The Galaxy's most infamous terrorist, "Cool Hand" Luke Skywalker is wanted in connection with the destruction of the first Death Star, resulting in the deaths of more than 1.3 million people, moral depravity and practicing Jedism, as well as planning and executing numerous other Rebel terror attacks.

Skywalker is often seen in the company of other high profile dissidents Han "Low Blow" Solo, Leia "Princess" Organa, Chew "Teddy Bear" Bacca, Lando "Token" Calrissian and droid life partners C-3PO and R2-D2.

He is widely known to frequent desert caves owned by creepy old men in bathrobes, goblin-infested swamps, trash compactors and hives of scum and villainy.

Skywalker is considered one-armed and extremely dangerous.

Old Ben

 


OBI-WAN KENOBI is a creepy old hobo who lives in a cave, does "magic" and "watches over" young boys.


Can YOU really trust him?



This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Worth It

The following video is in no way related to Star Wars or the great deeds of the benevolent Galactic Empire. In fact, it may even stop a few of you from turning to the Dark Side out of happiness.

It was totally worth it.

Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Healing

To the Rebel Alliance:

How about we STOP arguing over who blew up which planet or ruthlessly assassinated what religious order and START healing?

This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Carbonite is Forever

Found that special someone but worried that they'll change?

Why not freeze them in Carbonite?

Love fades but Carbonite is forever.

 This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Home

Wherever you go, whatever you do, always remember:

Home is where the Darth is.

This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Han Shot First

Did you know that Greedo was a widower and father to seven children?

Who will tuck them in to bed at night now, Han?

Dream Bigger

Don't be afraid to dream bigger:

Why shoot for the stars when you could be a star that shoots planets?


Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

FAQ you!

Q: Have you ever wanted to F the Empire in the A?
Well now you can! By submitting a Q for our FAQ, of course! ...What did you think we meant?

It has come to our attention that the Galactic Empire's countless citizens, fans and well-wishers occasionally have concerns grave doubts fears post-traumatic night terrors questions about the Empire, your great and benevolent leaders, or even the PR team itself.

Because our government is nothing if not a totalitarian dictatorship ruled through fear and violence completely transparent and accountable to you, the people, Emperor Palpatine has ordered asked us to pick the best/funniest/most interesting questions and respond to them in an Official and (totally) Honest FAQ (or OH FAQ!) to be posted on this blog at some point in the near future.

So please, posting any questions, queries or curiousities you may have about anything to do with the Galactic Empire in the comments section below and we'll do our best to answer as many of them as we can.

The good ones, that is.

Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

The Present of A Lifetime

It's my birthday! And to celebrate, I'M giving YOU a present, because that's how kind and generous and wonderful we are here in the Galactic Empire's PR Division.

This could be the most valuable present you are ever given, so print it out, but don't be selfish - pass it on.

Oh, one piece of advice: don't get cocky. Even without the Force, Lord Vader still has the power to bust you down to cleaning duty in the trash compactors on J-Deck.

Death Star Poetry 2

Freedom is wasted on the free,
Who only use it to watch more TV.
It's the poor and oppressed
Who appreciate it best -
The dream of sweet liberty.

This poem brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Commemorative

Dear Luke,

We ordered these exclusive commemorative Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru Star Wars figurines just for you:


No need to thank us.


Yours friendlily,
The Death Star PR Team.


Another project from the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

See a Doctor

Does your child:

• Play with his "lightsaber" incessantly?
• Whine about having to do simple chores?
• Take instructions from the voices (particularly of old men) in his head?
• Seem disturbingly attracted to siblings?

The chances are extremely likely that s/he could be a Jedi.

Seek help before it's too late. Consult a medical professional immediately.

Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Death Star Poetry 1

Explosions are red,
Your planet was blue,
We're still alive,
It's a shame about you.


Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Don't Panic

Some people seem to think that here on the Death Star, we're only about the death.

Okay, yes, VERY OCCASIONALLY when we move into orbit around a planet we're there to blow it up.

But MOST of the time, we're just stopping by to talk, or pick up a few pizzas, or return that DVD of the third season of 'Friends' we borrowed eight years ago.

To help get the message of love and understanding out there, we give to you this inspirational poster...

Remember, the Death Star Cares.