An Open Letter to Beloved Academy Award Winning Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman,

Our warmest congratulations to you on the birth of your son. You've begun the journey of a lifetime, filled with laughter, love, crazy highs and even a few terrifying lows. And to show you just how much everyone here in the Galactic Empire cares, we decided to write you with some parenting tips to help guide you through it all.

You seem like an incredibly intelligent young lady. We read you have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology from Harvard University. Good for you, Natalie. And you did that all while undertaking an incredibly successful acting career? Wow. What an achievement. Your son should follow in your footsteps. Immerse him in the world of books and academia, or even, if you must, let him act. But keep him safe, Natalie. If he ever seems interested in adrenalin-fueled activities, or, say, expresses a desire to be some kind of space fighter pilot, just say no. But in a really motherly way that doesn't make him want to rebel against you and do it anyway (this is where that psychology degree will come in very handy).

Give him freedom (Yes, it's a balancing act, but if anyone can manage it, it's the Academy Award winning actress who gave a tour de force performance in Black Swan). If he wants to go to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters, let him. Where's the harm in that? It might even prevent him from keeping out of trouble/meeting a stalkery old hobo who will guide him down a path that will lead to the tragic deaths of his caretakers (i.e. you) by rogue Sand People, and the eventual explosion of some 1.3 million government employees.

Encourage him to make friends. We're sure you'll agree that good friends last a lifetime. But help him steer clear of making friends with the wrong people. Sure, that lovably ragtag, yet pluckily rebellious bunch of kids might seem cute at first, but it's scientifically proven that they'll grow up to be douchy space pirates, stroppy princesses and aggressive bears who cheat at board games. Are those really the sort of friends you want for your beloved son? We didn't think so.

This is a sensitive subject, Natalie, but we need to talk to you about Magic powers. Does the idea of your son moving things with the power of his mind, or enslaving lesser people's minds to his will sound good? Well it's not. He'll never get out of bed to do his chores, he'll always win at Jenga and you'll always end up eating whatever he wants for dinner. Think about what an insufferable jerk this kid will turn out to be. That's not the Natalie Portman way. Plus, he'll be trained by strange cave-dwelling old magicians who lie about everything and crazy old swamp goblins who can't even string a grammatically correct sentence together. And that's definitely not the Natalie Portman way.

You are incredibly beautiful but we're sure you'll agree, the most beautiful thing of all is a great personality. Teach him to love and value other people, no matter what walk of life they're from, be it black, white, or planet destroying Sith Lord. Help him to understand that violence is never the answer and war, be it of the Star variety or otherwise, only begets more war.

So if he wants to go bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home, say "No womp rat bullseyeing for you today, sonny Jim. Think of the poor womp rat family that will be devastated by the loss of Mr. Womp Rat when he doesn't come home from work. Mrs. Womp Rat will be totally inconsolable and never quite the same again and the children will grow up without a male role model, leading to lifetime of substance abuse, making a living on the Womp Rat pole. Do you really want that hanging over your head for the rest of your life? DO YOU?!"

And if he ever has a sister, watch those two Natalie. Watch them like a hawk with cybernetically enhanced vison wearing binoculars watches that sexy lady hawk undressing several city blocks away through her window. Never, ever separate them for an extended period of time during which you neglect to constantly remind them that they are brother and sister, because terrible things will happen. Dark, terrible, unnatural things. Trust us Natalie, you don't want the specifics. Just take our word for it.

Good luck to you, Natalie. May the Force be with you and your newborn son.

Yours admiringly,
The Death Star PR Team.


P.S. Thank you for not having twins... or is that EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANT US TO THINK?

Clone Wars In Review: 1x01 "Ambush"

In our ongoing mission to bring truth and light (of the really bright green variety) to an otherwise dark galaxy, the Death Star's PR team have decided to do a weekly review of episodes of Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Starting with episode one, we will work tirelessly to restore balance to the Rebel propaganda embedded in the TV show and ensure that the Empire is fairly represented. Watch along with us, Sithizens!

Episode 1x01: "Ambush"

Moral: "Great leaders inspire greatness in others."

With the Clone Wars raging across the galaxy, both the Republic and Count Dooku's Separatists need allies. In a display of staggeringly bad scheduling, King Katuunko of the Toydarian fly monster people decides to meet gremlin Jedi Master Yoda and streamlined Sith lady Asajj Ventress at the same time. Ventress proposes a fair deal: if Yoda and his three Clone trooper strong escort can defeat her legion of 10,000 death robots, Toydaria will be free to join the Republic.

After bravely fleeing the obligatory opening space battle, or star war if you will, Yoda quickly sets about causing tens of millions of dollars in property damage by luring a bunch of droids into an ambush of his own, killing them all and orphaning countless toasters and Roombas throughout the galaxy.

Eventually the sadistic little goblin is forced by the superior numbers of the droid army to retreat, though not before doing some serious Force showboating. Employing a typical Jedi tactic of hiding in a cave, Yoda uses the Force to make snap judgments about the character of his three Clone troopers, which apparently inspires them to use a rocket launcher on some offending rocks later on. Take that, rocks!

In the climactic battle scene, Yoda proves once and for all that he shouldn’t be on a disability pension by almost singlehandedly dispatching the remaining droid army, saving King fly monster and cheating in a fight with Asajj Ventress by stealing her lightsabers. Thankfully, she escapes moments before Master Yoda can eat her intestines with his demon teeth (see below).

Overall, an action-packed episode to kick off the series with some exciting set pieces, classic Battle Droid jokes and a clever escape from Asajj Ventress, though not much in the way of storyline.

Score Sheet:
Jedi Deaths: 0
Darth Vader Moments: 0
Disgustingly "feel good" scenes: 2

Rating:

Star Wars School

Intrepid Imperial investigators have sent disturbing news from Earth, a backwater world on the very edges of known space: a Star Wars-themed school for children aged 6-12 known as "The Jedi Temple" has opened in Quilpué, Chile.

 

The Temple gives its younglings the opportunity to learn a combination of martial arts styles yoga and tae kwon do, along with core Jedi "values" like wisdom and nobility, and presumably, how to cut off your best friend's arm and legs before leaving him to burn alive in lava.

Of course, the Galactic Empire questions how much wisdom there is in opening a new Jedi Temple given that the previous one on Coruscant became infamous as a den of inequity and corruption, whose evil students were heroically killed by Darth Vader moments before they were unleashed on a candy-fueled killing spree.

A source embedded in the school said, "It's tragic, really. The children all want to be like Yoda, or Obi Wan, or even Luke Skywalker. They don't even realise that being a magic space knight who goes around cutting off people's arms and legs with a laser sword is a bad thing."

In further evidence that the school's Jedi Masters are twisting the minds of the innocent, another anonymous whistleblower reports that students are being taught that Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader are "evil" and that the Galactic Empire is a "merciless totalitarian regime run by space fascists," rather than the beloved government of the people, for the people, by the Emperor we all know it to be.

Safety concerns have also been raised by the school's decision to train padawans in the use of lightsabers. It is common knowledge that Yoda's lightsaber training methods were sadistic and dangerous in the extreme, involving shooting lasers at blindfolded children swinging lightsabers in a confined space. Imperial experts estimate that hundreds of padawans were likely killed or horribly maimed during decades of training under the senile Jedi Master.

The Galactic Empire will, of course, be sending the Death Star to investigate these claims immediately.

So... probably say goodbye to your stuff, Earthlings.

Thanks to Rubinville for the tip. Original article here.

An office far, far away Episode 6

"Plan"

Follow the continuing adventures of Duke, the new guy, as he tries to make it in the office of an evil Empire. So, pretty much every office, anywhere.

Sometimes Duke takes a sick day. When he does, we find out what's going on in the rest of the galaxy...

Click to enlarge:

Words: Robbie Boland

Art: Kristian Aus

Go to previous episode.

Become a Jedi in 10 Easy Steps

Forget midi-chlorians. Being a Jedi is so easy anyone can do it. In fact, some of you may already be a Jedi and don't even know it yet. Just follow these 10 simple steps:

1) Buy a bathrobe. Wear it everywhere.

2) Grow a beard.

(Note: Optional for most lady Jedi.)

3) Don't have sex ever again. Ever.

This should be easy once you're sporting the "bathrobe and beard" look, and even easier if you've already memorised the complete technical specifications of the Millenium Falcon or are the type of person who corrects people's grammar on Twitter.

4) Tell everyone what to do. All the time.
As a Jedi, you should give people advice on everything, whether they want it or not. The key here is to be sanctimonious at all times and keep in mind that you can never be wrong because everything is right "from a certain point of view".
(Note: Works best when paired with no. 5)

5) Be a hypocrite.

Like most religious orders, the Jedi have a strict moral code. It's important to remember that although everyone else should live by the rules, you personally should only follow them when it's convenient. Is cheating bad? YES. But not if you need to win at dice. Is using a Jedi mind trick to make someone do something against their will totally morally reprehensible? OF COURSE. Unless you REALLY need to get something for free off a struggling small businessalien on a backwards desert planet. Is killing people the path to the Dark Side? TOTALLY. Except if they're bad guys.

6) Cut off people's arms.

Just about any reason will do: whether someone accidentally bumped into your friend in a bar or kind of attempted to kill you a little bit after going to the Dark Side, any time is a good time to whip out a sword and just go NUTS on some limbs. Oh, and don't worry: it's not against the law because you're a Jedi. You ARE the law!

7) Live in a complete dump.

Although an out of the way cave in the desert or a hut in a swamp is best, just about any pig sty or student sharehouse will do. As a Jedi, you're above material possessions, or interior decoration, or showers.

8) Be an underachiever.

As someone in possession of amazing magical powers that enhance your physical and mental attributes to levels most people could only dream of, the best thing you can do is to spectacularly underuse them. Sure, you could Force Run at super speed to save your friend and mentor's life (like you did earlier in the movie), or Force Push the bad guy away from your friend while you're patiently waiting behind your force field but why bother? You deserve some you time.

9) Be a bad friend.

Jedi train their whole lives to avoid emotional attachments. Including friendship apparently. So although you'll give off a wise good guy vibe, you'll also have no problems lying to your friend about whether his father is still alive, avoid mentioning the fact that the hot chick he's rescuing is actually his long lost sister, or even cutting off your best mate's arms and legs and leaving him to burn alive in lava. You know, instead of saving him or sticking your lightsaber through his head and making his death mercifully swift and stuff.

10) Overstay your welcome.

You know how every time you have a party, there's always a few people who stick around long after everyone else is gone and just completely refuse to take any of the subtle hints you're dropping about wanting to go to bed? Well, the Jedi are like this but worse: even death can't stop them from coming back to "watch over" you... particularly during your most intimate moments.

Note: this list also works if you replace the word "Jedi" with the word "Hipster".

Child Safety

Remember that time Yoda trained the Younglings in the Jedi Temple?

Hey genius:


Lots of young children
+ confined spaces
+ lightsabers that can cut through anything like butter
+ flying lasers
= careless disregard for child safety.