How to: Beat Up Chewbacca

So the inevitable has finally happened: you've decided you need to beat up, maim or possibly kill Chewbacca. Maybe you caught him humping the couch one too many times, or growling suggestively at your girlfriend, or perhaps you just thought his pelt would make a fine throw rug for the living room.

Regardless, you're in for the fight of a lifetime, because fighting Chewbacca is exactly like fighting a grizzly bear. A grizzly bear that has the ability to understand everything you say, strategic know-how to play space chess and fly a spaceship, the strength and desire to rip off your arms at will, and a laser gun.

Step one: get your affairs in order. Finish writing that crappy novel you subconsciously never intended to show anyone, kiss the wife and call your children into the study for one last awkward hug before telling them to run along now and turning stoically to peer out the window as a single tear runs into your moustache. Because make no mistake, if you do not follow this guide precisely, you are going to die in a horrible, horrible way.

Step two: join the Rebellion. Getting in is easy - just don't bathe for a week or so, then say things like, "Shyeah, Emperor POOPatine more like it! Amiright, you guys?" during the interview. (NOTE: Avoid overly rigorous high-fiving at this point, as you will need to conserve as much energy as possible for the fight to come)

Next, ingratiate yourself with Han. Stage a meet cute with Han where you "accidentally" run into him in the hangar bay, ending by complimenting him on his brave fashion choice of always wearing tights everywhere. Before you know it, you'll be sharing beers and listening to his stories of the "Good old days" of drug smuggling and murdering people in bars.

While you're becoming Han's best friend, bearly (GET IT?!) acknowledge Chewie, except to make jokes at his expense or get his name continually slightly wrong. Do this for five years until he gets incredibly angry and/or seems about to tear you to pieces, whichever comes first. NOTE: If you let yourself get torn to pieces, YOU'VE DONE IT WRONG. Come back with cyborg body parts and try again, and this time, for the love of God, PAY ATTENTION.

At this point, Chewie hates you. He thinks you're the biggest douchebag in the Galaxy, which is really saying something because he spends a lot of time with Han. Admit it. Tell Chewbacca you've been a dick. Say things like, "Just because you look like a walking carpet doesn't mean I should walk all over you." Maybe even cry a little (NOTE: DON'T LET ON that they are actually tears of happiness because your plan is about to come to fruition). Explain that you want to make it up to him by meeting for some one on bear time at the local Sports and Recreation Centre.

IMPORTANT NOTE RE: VENUE: At this point, Chewbacca might suggest meeting in a forest instead. DON'T DO IT. "But I can use the trees for cover and I did orienteering once in high school and I can use the numerous sticks and stones as rudimentary weapons if I need to", we hear you say. WRONG. The forest gives the space bear the home ground advantage. Fighting Chewbacca in a forest is like fighting a fat kid in a cupcake store, in that it gives them both magical powers, or something. Chewbacca will KICK YOUR ASS IN A FOREST. Sheez. With that kind of thinking you'd be driving home without any arms before you knew it. Thank god you're reading this guide instead of trying to come up with this plan by yourself. You should pay us money for saving your ass.

Meet at the Recreation Centre. Invite him to play a game of space chess but LET THE WOOKIEE WIN. Firstly, if he happens to see your fingers shaking with adrenalin or notices your steely-eyed glare of bear-killing determination, he'll just think you're being competitive. Secondly, Chewbacca will be so smug about his victory that he'll be open to whatever you suggest next.

Incredibly casually suggest a pleasant sunlit stroll outside near the pool. As you walk, distract him with your extensive knowledge of bearkind to really make him feel like you're working hard at this friendship thing, e.g. "Did you know that some male bears weigh in at over 450kg, can climb trees, and run at speeds of over 30 km/h? Or that Fozzie Bear has mauled seven puppeteers and at least one overly inquisitive journalist to death?"

By now you should be next to the swimming pool, duck pond or other large body of water (preferably filled with giant killer sharks that you have spent several years building a rapport with that will telepathically respond to your commands).

Laugh with gusto as you turn to Chewie, holding out your hand. Say, "You know what? I was wrong about you. You're alright, big fella."

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

Here it comes.

The second he takes your hand, KICK HIM IN THE NUTS AND PUSH HIM IN TO THE WATER. Within seconds he'll be pulled down by the weight of his own luxurious, incredibly wet, luxurious mane of hair.


Well done, you magnificent bastard. You just defeated the most feared bear in the Galaxy in glorious, valiant single combat.


Of course, if this tactic doesn't appeal to you, you could just kill him Yuuzhan Vong-style, by dropping a moon on him.

How to: Beat Up Obi-Wan Kenobi

Obi-Wan Kenobi is one of the most dangerous men who ever lived. He was the first Jedi to kill a Sith Lord in over 1,000 years, offed General Grievous, a psychotic four-armed lightsaber-wielding cyborg, and trained the terrorist who ended up blowing up the first Death Star. But don't worry, you don't need to be a total badass to take him down. Just follow our simple "How to" guide.



Make sure and use our handy visual guide to figure out which version of Obi-Wan you're fighting!


Young Obi-Wan

Okay, let's tackle young Obi-Wan. Warning: do not literally tackle him, unless by "tackle" you mean "run over with something fast and heavy, preferably a spaceship", or "shoot him a lot from as far away as possible". Anyway, you shouldn't tackle him because he has magical powers and will probably see it coming and do a fancy Jedi flip out of the way, then chop you in half with his lightsaber.

Do you have magical powers and a lightsaber? (No, the ability to sometimes be singing a song, then two seconds later you turn on the radio and hear it doesn't count.) If yes, step one is easy: find an evil sorceror willing to train you in the ways of the Dark Side of the Force. Train in secret for 10-15 years. Step two, cunningly lure Obi-Wan and his Master into the nearest industrial complex, preferably a power core of some description. Step three, distract young Obi-Wan by killing his Master (easy), then knock him into a reactor shaft while he's angry. Now comes the crucial part: DON'T LET HIM OUT. Stab him in the head with your lightsaber, Force push him, throw a shoe at him, whatever - just don't stand there and gloat like an idiot.

If you don't have magical powers, don't give up, you can still do this. You see, young Obi-Wan is petulant and kind of a dumbass. He can be tricked, because the Force is with him, but it also thinks he's a bit of a dick, so it will look away instead of helping him when it can. Young Obi-Wan has a secret weakness: he'll always do the exact opposite of whatever Qui-Gon says. So just invite him over to your house and be all casual and say something like, "Hey guy, my garbage disposal is on the fritz! Ain't it always the way, etc, etc," then, reverse psychology him. "Oh, but don't worry about it. Qui-Gon says you're no good with fixing stuff and stuff." Boom! Just try and stop him from checking that thing out. The second he does, you pounce! Shove his head straight into it. His stupid rat's tail hair thing will get caught and within seconds it's game over.

Jedi Master Obi-Wan

Yes, he has a beard now but DON'T LET IT GET TO YOU. To understand how to defeat Jedi Master Obi-Wan, you must first understand what he loves doing: delivering lectures. Give him what he wants and he will be putty in your cyborg hands. Speaking of putty, it will help if you have some. Put it in your ears now. Then marry someone inappropriate. Any Princess is fine, really.

You're ready for the next step, but first make sure you're nowhere near a river of molten lava. There's none? You're sure? Good. Now tell Obi-Wan about the stuff you did, but also mention some other stuff about how you may have killed a few Sand People, forgot to put in your tax return for the last few years and cheated in Monopoly. Just go crazy. Confess to anything and everything that pops into your head but DON'T LET HIM SPEAK. Stop only when his face goes beet red.

This is where the putty comes in. Obi-Wan will unleash a self-righteous lecture of such epic proportions it will rip a hole in the space-time continuum and become the original boring, self-righteous lecture. But you won't have to hear any of it. Instead, you'll just be shaking your head and nonchalantly going, "Nuh uh!" every so often. Let this go on for several hours, the longer the better. Let the little guy tucker himself out. Eventually he'll begin to get drowsy, which is when you stab him in the head with your lightsaber.

Old Man Ben Kenobi

This is the easiest, most effective way to beat Obi-Wan, but it's also something of a long game. Only the most patient Obi-Wan haters will be able to go the distance. But hey, if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing incredibly slowly over several decades.

Wait until he's really old, like pensioner old, and has been living in a cave for 20 years letting himself get rusty (NOTE: during this time, you should have remained FROSTY in exact inverse proportion to his rustiness.). Then pick a fight.

Remember: he's old now. At some point he will get tired, or remember he forgot to drink his prune juice that morning, or his mind will drift off thinking about those darned kids next door who keep kicking their ball into his backyard. This is the moment you've been waiting for! Strike like a genetically engineered super cobra who has arms and a robotic body specifically built for rapid striking.

Congratulations, you've just defeated one of the hardest Jedi to have ever lived. You have gained the rank of Galactic badass.