Return of the Jedi A-Holes

It's common knowledge throughout the Galaxy that the Jedi are complete a-holes, which is why we heroically ruthlessly murdered them all in surprise attacks. Mostly from behind. From as far away as possible.

They steal children away from their parents and allow those children to participate in incredibly dangerous pod races for their own personal gain. They lie constantly about all kinds of stuff that other people MIGHT consider to be a LITTLE bit important, like the fact that those people MIGHT have a father that's still alive and/or a sister they're weirdly attracted to.

So yes, the Jedi are a-holes, but we have to give these two guys some credit for at least being honest about it. Here's "Jedi A-Holes Strike Back".

The Doctor is the Worst Pacifist Ever

We all know the Doctor is a terrible, terrible person. But one thing he is very clear on is that he doesn't do guns. The Doctor outsmarts his enemies, not outguns them. Right? Wrong.

 

 

And here is a video that proves just what a straight up stone cold OG gangsta the Doctor really is.

Ghandi would be proud.

Via io9.

Respect

You have to admire anybody who can wear a cape to work and still command the respect of their employees.

 Kick ass art by Livio Ramondelli, via Coolvibe.

Fallout

Don't think of it as "planetary fallout".

Think of it as "pixie dust" or "dream sprinkles".

 

11 Reasons Why the Doctor Is A Terrible Person

You may think that just because he's saved a few worlds/universes/realities a couple of times, the Doctor is pretty great, but the truth is that the "Mad man with a box" is really a terrible, terrible person. Here are 11 reasons why:





11. He doesn't share

The Doctor travels around in the TARDIS, the most amazing piece of technology the universe has ever seen. Just imagine the advancements he could make in the technological development of planets across the stars if he shared even a fraction of the TARDIS's wonders: no more overcrowding, near limitless energy and universal language translation to name a fraction of the possibilities (without even mentioning virtually instantaneous travel throughout time and space). And this doesn't even begin to cover all of the knowledge he has rattling around inside that giant brain of his.

10. He's an arrogant bastard

Genius doesn't quite cover it. The Doctor's probably the smartest man in the universe. How do we know? Because he's constantly telling everybody. There's nothing wrong with being smart (particularly when you harness it for productive things like orchestrating a giant space war so that you can take over a galaxy or two), but you don't have to Time lord it over everyone all the time. Plus, he always speaks in impossible to understand technobabble, gave himself the pretentious title of "Doctor" and feels totally okay about making decisions that will effect entire planets without consulting the natives, presumably because they're beneath him.

9. He's a show off

Everyone knows the Doctor always saves the day. The Doctor knows exactly how he's going to horribly murder an "evil" alien species and stop their incredibly complicated plot to destroy Earth three minutes after he meets them, but does he ever stop to tell his friends about it? Of course not. He keeps them guessing right up until the moment he turns the reality bomb off at the switch with two seconds to go. Sure, he COULD have done it seven minutes ago and saved you a few heart attacks but where would the fun be in that?

8. He's a vagrant

The Doctor is the universe's most famous homeless person. "But he lives in his TARDIS!" we hear you say. Wrong. The TARDIS is a spaceship, a method of transportation designed to get you from A to B, not to be lived in forever. Just because someone lives out of the really big trunk of their really big car doesn't mean they can call it a house. Plus...

7. He always wears the same clothes

Bow ties and fezzes may be cool, but what's up with wearing exactly the same outfit for years at a stretch? At best, he has many versions of the same outfit (and an extremely worrying form of OCD). At worst, he has just the one, which you have to admit leads to some pretty major personal hygiene problems.

6. He's moody

You know what's hard? Dealing with a person who has constant mood swings. And nobody has more ups and downs and loops than the Doctor, except the rides at Disneyland. One minute he's being charmingly eccentric, the next he's manically weeping about being the last of his kind (get over it already! We've all got problems - the PR team is almost out of milk). In fact, he takes insane mood swings to a whole new level by regenerating, literally changing bodies and personalities every few years. Even more confusingly, these regenerations sometimes meet up and talk to one another. Make up your mind/s!

5. He's a creepy old man who kidnaps people

The Doctor is always stealing people away in his TARDIS, which if you think about it, is like a space combivan: beat up on the outside, you can't see into it, it's somehow bigger on the inside and most of the people who get into it are never heard from ever again. Worse, he almost exclusively travels with gorgeous young ladies who are several hundred years his junior. To accurately put that creepiness into perspective, imagine your grandad always asking attractive teenage girls to go on extended holidays with him, except the girls won't be born until the year 2897. That's Sean Penn dating Scarlett Johansson level of disturbing.

4. He's a public menace

Is there a bigger serial pest in the entire universe than the Doctor? Trespassing, breaking and entering, malicious damage of private property, identity theft, misrepresentation and corporate espionage are all a regular part of the Doctor's average day. And it's not like he's doing these things out of some noble reason like trying to feed his poor, starving children. Oh no. Most of the time he commits these crimes because he's bored and hey, it's fun to violate people's privacy, right?

3. He's speciesist

The Doctor has no problems slaughtering aliens (or "monsters" as he calls them) wholesale (see below), but if a human horribly murders an alien, he immediately turns a blind eye, or at worst gives them his patented Heartbroken Doctor Stare™. Likewise, the Doctor goes out of his way time and time again to save humanity... at the expense of poor, misunderstood aliens who may have been trying to take over the world, or maybe just trying to borrow some sugar for their tea.

2. He's a genocidal maniac

If wiping out entire alien races on multiple occasions isn't enough to make you a terrible, terrible person, then nothing is. As well as openly admitting to killing his own race, the Time Lords, the Doctor has also wiped out the Vervoids and the Racnoss (to name a few), stopped the Futurekind from ever having existed and taken several shots at permanently exterminating the Daleks. More recently, he's even encouraged the human race to follow his example by subliminally ordering them to kill the Silence wherever and whenever humanity encounters them. What a guy!

1. What has he done for you lately?

Sure, the Doctor has saved the world a few times but what has he done for you lately? Where was he when your cat Professor Mittens was run over, or you really needed to pop back in time to speak to Abraham Lincoln for a few minutes so you could pass your History exam? In fact, think about every single massively craptastic moment in your entire life. The Doctor could have hopped into in his fancy time machine and stopped all of them, but he didn't. So basically, he hates you personally.

The Greatest LEGO Diorama in the Galaxy

Imperial Employee of the Month Jay Hoff has been hard at work building the greatest LEGO Diorama in this or any other Galaxy. An impressive, most impressive 37,000 pieces of LEGO (as well as, presumably, a scary amount of time and money), including 388 mini-figurines, went into this custom commemoration of the Emperor's arrival on the second Death Star.

This great moment in Imperial history was made in 2011 for Science Discovery Day at Berkeley Preparatory School in Tampa. It uses an Imperial Shuttle Kit with custom designed Death Star hangar.

And yes, if you look closely enough, you might be able to spot a few Clone Troopers and a cameo appearance by Darth Maul, but only because they were really there at the time. Weren't you paying attention?

Thanks to Chris Nagle via Blastr for the tip.

X-Wing Soapbox Derby Car

The Papier Boy has done the impossible, twice. Sort of. Firstly, he's made papier-mâché sort of cool. Secondly, he's delivered Earth it's first working X-Wing. Sort of. In that it doesn't fly, or shoot missiles at Death Star exhaust ports, but it does move and have a spinning, bleeping R2-D2 built in.

It's actually an X-Wing Soapbox Derby Car built for the 2011 Nazareth Adult Soapbox Derby for around $75, which really gives you a strong indication of the sort of funding the Rebellion are working with these days. Here's how it was done.

On behalf of all of us here in the Galactic Empire, we'd like to say well done, Papier Boy. Now we can definitely check the "Rebel Sympathizer" box for Earth and get the ball rolling on the whole planetary destruction thing.

In the alternative, if somebody would just build a Soapbox Derby TIE Fighter to shoot the X-Wing down, it would really help free us up to blow up other evil planets.

via Laughing Squid.

territorial PSings

In the first semester of my second year in college, I did a certain course called Principles of Management.

Indeed, no other course has made me so ponder so much about life as this course did. It raised questions like "Why are we here?","Where did we come from?","Where do we go when we die?". Of course, not to mention the obvious questions like, "Why the **&^%  &%$& does a math-comp sci student have to study the principles of management in college."

studying POM

At that crucial juncture in my life, I thought, nothing could possibly be more pointless than this.

But then, the best private engineering college in India has a way of taking you by the scruff of your neck and thrusting you, face first, into a jacuzzi of belief-changing liquid, that ... well, changes your beliefs about things.

And that is exactly what PS-1 did to me.

metaphorical passage of time. You can click here if you want. But do return.

Textiles and Machinery Company Limited, also known as Texmaco Ltd., is where I am to spend the next couple of months of my life, working, for my PS-1 and thus fulfilling my duties as an obedient BITSian.

As the name suggests, Texmaco was initially conceived to be a harmonious amalgamation of textiles and machinery. But what it looks like now, it's as if Ms Textiles pulled a Rachel Greene and ran off from the wedding alter, leaving Mr Machinery all alone. So what we have here is a huge, seemingly endless factory with humongous machines working all around. Smoke bellowing from huge electric arc furnaces. Enormous electromagnetic cranes lifting piles of iron.

And three computer science students, precariously balanced on the fine line separating sophomore from junior, having no clue what to do.

territorial PSings. I attribute the title of this post to the Nirvana classic. After all, with programs such as this in college, what other than attaining Nirvana can we aim for? More on that later.

So. Good thing is, I'm in my own city, in Calcutta and the factory isn't a bad place. The work going on around is mighty impressive. People are nice. Have a good friend as work colleague.The co-instructor is a senior and a good friend too. There's free food on offer (In fact, that was the one definitive directive we were given. Whatever you do, you must have lunch here.) It's just the pointlessness of the whole thing that baffles me.

But I'm happy. I've been getting news from my other friends, and many of them have a lot more to crib about. There's someone in Bhadrawati who lacks the amenities to flush his own crap down the toilet. There are a couple in Hyd who are working with ear canal instruments. There is someone in Mumbai who is (or rather was) sitting in the same place from 9 am to 5 pm and getting breakfast and lunch some 20 times over :P There's yet another innocent soul who is stuck in Chennai, and is completely at sea when it comes to telling the rickshaw driver where to go to. And not to forget, the ones who are completely absconding, possibly in and around regions of  Maoist insurgencies.

Here's a few-waitforit-memes to help you understand my point better. Did I say 'poin't? Oh. Well there's one at least.

That's about it for now. Signing off on this pointless note. And giving you this link to hasten the oncoming of winter. Cheerio!

Clone Wars In Review: 1x02 "Rising Malevolence"

In our ongoing mission to bring truth and light (of the really bright green variety) to an otherwise dark galaxy, the Death Star's PR team continue our weekly review of episodes of Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Episode 1x02: "Rising Malevolence"

Moral: "Belief is not a matter of choice, but of conviction."

Actual Message: "It's okay to do disobey orders if you think your reasons are good enough."

 

The Seperatists have a new secret weapon. The Jedi Council send Master Platoon Plow Koon Button Eyes Predator Face to investigate.

Using all of his amazing Jedi precognitive and empathic powers, Master B.E.P.F. guides his ships straight into a Seperatist "trap", which here means "floating in space a very obvious way, making sure to have a red sun in the background so as to be particularly easy to spot".

Count Dooku and General Grievous fire the new superweapon, destroying the Republic's fleet and forcing the survivors to employ Standard Jedi Emergency Protocol #1: When in doubt, run away and hide out!

Very perceptively, and using all of their great knowledge of the Force, the Council think everyone is dead. Skywalker's skimpily dressed sassy Padawan Ahsoka Tano thinks there could be survivors, and she isn't afraid to sassily tell the Council. They wisely ignore her. In classic Anakin style, he then gives her a lecture about following orders, before promptly ignoring them himself and going to investigate.

While Anakin, Ahsoka and ubiquitous droid sidekick R2-D2 search the debris for survivors, Master Plutonium and three of his clone soldier friends encounter a group of droids who just want to talk/throw them into the vacuum of space. However, Master Protein & co. have a surprise in store for the poor droids and throw themselves into space first, presumably so they can put their lives in the maximum amount of jeopardy possible.


Apparently one handy Jedi ability is the power to survive the sudden decompression, lack of oxygen and extreme cold for extended period of time without a suit or any kind of breathing apparatus.

Improbably surviving the improbable space shoot out, Master Potpourri and friends are rescued by Anakin and Ahsoka just in time to put them in more danger when Grievous returns in his flagship and superweapon, the Malevolence. It fires on them but due to some fancy flying on Anakin's part, the Jedi narrowly escape, once again bravely fleeing another battle. 

Overall, a fun episode with some excellent action, with Skywalker's final escape from the ion cannon's blast being a particularly high point.


Score Sheet:
Jedi Deaths: 0 (but plenty of fun Clone Trooper deaths to make up for it)
Death Star Superlaser Nods: 4
Darth Vader Moments: 0.5
Disgustingly Feel Good Scenes: 2


Rating:

You're Welcome

The Galactic Empire is pleased to announce that we're working on a new targeted laser.

Testing to begin immediately on people who wear Ed Hardy t-shirts.

You're welcome, Earth.

Brought to you by the Death Star Cares initiative.

Pirates of the Caribbean IV - On Stranger Tides : a review

First things, first : the fourth installment of the epic Pirates of the Caribbean saga, was never meant to be one. The original story concluded, fair and square with At World's End, in 2007; but for Johnny Depp, the titular Captain Jack Sparrow, who wanted one last hurrah before it all ended.

And to be honest, the saga could have done without this. For one, Pirates was at its best where it ended : as a trilogy. What Rob Marshall has done is add a piece of camphor to the butt of a glowing cigarette, hoping that it will light up. Instead, it has turned out to be wet patch.

So with this movie, we find our beloved Jack Sparrow in the middle of London, searching for an imposter who has been impersonating him. A lot of swashbuckling heroics follow. He saves his erstwhile first mate Joshamee Gibbs from being hanged. While escaping he is captured by King George II 's men. The king has a conversation with him wherein he is asked to guide an expedition to the Fountain of Youth, headed by his former arch-rival Captain Hector Barbossa. He comes to know that the Spanish have already set sail in pursuit of the Fountain. Sparrow jeopardizes the conversation and escapes, only to meet his father Captain Teague who warns him about the Fountain's tests. Here, after a brief sword fight, the imposter is revealed and it turns out to be Sparrow's former lover, Angelica (Penélope Cruz), the daughter of the ruthless pirate Blackbeard. Following Angelica's ploy, Jack finds himself aboard Blackbeard's ship, the Queen Anne's Revenge, and after a failed attempt to mutiny, Jack is forced into Blackbeard's crew. And as it turns out, Blackbeard too, is headed for the Fountain. While en route, Angelica tells Jack how, in order to be effective, the Fountain's water must be drunk from chalices belonging to one Juan de León, one of which one must contain a tear drop of a mermaid. Legend had it, that the person who drinks from the chalice with the mermaid tear would absorb  the remaining years of the person drinking from the other chalice.

Meanwhile, Gibbs, who had had Jack's map showing the path to the Fountain is taken captive by the king's men. As a desperate last resort to save himself, he memorises the map before burning it in front of them. He is thus asked to guide them, and a race ensues.

commendable chemistry between Depp and Cruz throughout.

What happens thereafter is nothing more than routine drama. Sparrow gets into brawls. A lot of sparks fly. Mermaids come in.

Oh, wait, I must elaborate on this.

Mermaids. Beautiful half human-female-form, half fish-form beings. Their depiction was throughly brilliant. Their attack on Blackbeard's men at Whitecap Bay was portrayed very well indeed, and it was possibly one of the few good heart-in-your-mouth scenes in the movie. The captured mermaid and later, her chemistry with the captive missionary, Phillip Swift formed an essential part in whatever little story there was.

All in all, not the kind of movie one would expect, to follow up on such a saga as Pirates. It certainly does not take your mind out for a ride, but then again, none of the Pirates ever did that. The question is, does it do what was expected of it? Was it the visual treat that PoTC has been synonymous with? Was it the surreal extravaganza that Gore Verbisnky had started out with, in The Curse of the Black Pearl?

Clearly, no. It only does, but half live up to the expectations that an ardent Pirates fan would harbour. Which is what happens when you do something that Marshall so incongruously did. Obliterate two protagonists entirely (did anybody else miss Will Turner and Elizabeth Swann?), take an unrelated and an underrated story, and try to chip it into a chronicle as grand as Pirates, and call it the Grand Finale.

So should you watch the movie? If A, you are a Pirates fan, then you would watch anyways. If B, you are not, and are hesitant on watching it because you haven't seen the earlier ones, then do. Because the story is almost completely unrelated to the first three movies. If C, you are just looking for a good movie to watch, I would half suggest this one. Not fully.

And if you do choose to watch, do not miss Jack Sparrow's dialogues and retorts. They are as witty, as snide, and as epic as ever. Also, do not miss the post-credits scenes. That is one and the only scene that actually makes you think.

For what it was, Pirates of the Caribbean IV : On Stranger Tides was only a swan's song. It was a graceful swan while it lived. But it sure died a very sad death.

FLOWCHART: How to Deal With Your Impending Doom

FORM 2B/N07-2B: NOTIFICATION OF IMPENDING DOOM

Dear Citizen of Planet ________________________,

It has come to our attention that your planet is due for apocalypse. The Galactic Empire understands it can be difficult to process this kind of news but DON'T PANIC.

We have prepared the following helpful instructional FLOWCHART to help you work through your wide variety of options in a thorough, yet timely fashion. Click to enlarge.

Brought to you by the Death Star Cares initiative. 

The Worst Couple in the Universe

We've been saying it for a long time: Han and Leia are the worst couple in the universe. He's a cocky douche bag who loves his giant space dog more than real people, she's an uptight Princess with daddy (and brother) issues. Not to mention the fact that they're both terrorists, wanted throughout the galaxy for aiding and abetting Luke Skywalker in the destruction of the first Death Star. Basically, they're both terrible, terrible people.

Thankfully, the good folks of OneMinuteGalactica have released the following excellent instructional video to prove it.

Via Topless Robot.

on home, and why it is so.

A week ago, I was in Pilani.

Pilani. We study here.

Yes, that same stretch of deserted wasteland, that God created one fine morning when He woke up to find lice in His hair.

Aside : No offense dude, but it shows.

Actually no. To be honest, it isn't that bad.

But. Just before the semester ends, when you have all sorts of tests, paper distributions, academic heartbreaks, that work in unison to make you feel like a Marie biscuit dipped in a cup of tea for half an hour, it does get miserable. Very miserable. And then, the prospect of going home shines in the distance like a KFC bucket that is just out of reach.

But then, even semesters end. And a time comes for us to pack our stuff, and bid teary-eyed farewells to our fellow engineering mates (turning purple), and to our much detested abode in the sands.

And then we reach home.

Now. If we actually do a home versus BITS face-off here, there's no doubt that it will be a a very closely contested battle. BITS has its strengths. DC++. ANC. Wingies. Clubs. Departments. Fests. All of these tilt the scales heavily in BITS' favour.

But right now, being at home, and being pampered to the point of feeling pangs of guilt flowing through my body, home does seem to be the in thing. The rage, as one would say. And without further ado, let me elaborate on why it is so.

1. Broadband.

the sixth freedom. Freedom to browse.

Free internet. When I  first told this to my dad, he raised an eyebrow, and clarified, "Free as in free speech. Not free beer. Remember".

Exactly what I meant, of course. Browsing the world wide web with absolutely no restrictions. No trying out different proxy servers. No issues with getting alternate IP addresses. No tunneling. Pure unadulterated freedom of browsing. And thanks to Reliance Netconnect Broadband Plus, getting high speeds. That too on the move.

     2. Food.

burp.

After four months of eating daal that is no different from camel piss. Sabzi that raises questions about existentialism. A fake chicken roast once a week, which is probably a bat's left breast, deep-fried in the worst possible oils. And a  chicken biryani which tastes like a slap on the face of the city of Hyderabad.

After all this. Home is like the best thing that can possibly happen. You go to MacD's and sink your famished teeth into a juicy MacMaharaja. Or order a Double Cheese Burst at Dominos, and revel in the cheese as it oozes out onto your palate. Or grab that KFC bucket and tear through it without a worry in this world.

Added to all this of course, is my brilliant mother and the battery of delicacies that she conjures every single day.

This is plainly one aspect of home that Pilani can never ever hope to match.

     3. A Western Toilet and a Bath Tub

Now after gorging on all that food, Home ensures that passing them out is a pleasure as well. A western style toilet is one that thing my knees literally crave for when I do the thing in college. Bloody kneebreakers. That's what those contraptions back in college are. They do not look like they were even meant to be places to do-the-thing in, in the first place, and the only point of them seems to be in reviving the Dark Ages.

And a bath tub. Oh for the person who hasn't experienced the joy of spending hours with a magazine in the sweet smelling waters within a bath tub. I really don't care if it sounds gay. It is utter bliss to say the least.

     4. Cars!

this isn't our's. But it is the same car. Our's is cherry red =)

Two things I sorely miss in Pilani are the two thoroughbreds that we have in our stable. A Toyota Qualis and a Hyundai i20. The car-fanatic that I am, I can never really get enough of them, ever. The sheer finesse of sinking into the seats, turning on the volume and putting your feet down on the gas, is akin to Bilbo Baggins blowing out a smoke ring. No less.

     5. Finally. Calcutta.

The best city in the world. Even better this time around with the election results =)

Oh! Calcutta.

And before I sign off : Home. Here's a big wet one for you.

Clone Wars In Review: 1x01 "Ambush"

In our ongoing mission to bring truth and light (of the really bright green variety) to an otherwise dark galaxy, the Death Star's PR team have decided to do a weekly review of episodes of Star Wars: The Clone Wars.

Starting with episode one, we will work tirelessly to restore balance to the Rebel propaganda embedded in the TV show and ensure that the Empire is fairly represented. Watch along with us, Sithizens!

Episode 1x01: "Ambush"

Moral: "Great leaders inspire greatness in others."

With the Clone Wars raging across the galaxy, both the Republic and Count Dooku's Separatists need allies. In a display of staggeringly bad scheduling, King Katuunko of the Toydarian fly monster people decides to meet gremlin Jedi Master Yoda and streamlined Sith lady Asajj Ventress at the same time. Ventress proposes a fair deal: if Yoda and his three Clone trooper strong escort can defeat her legion of 10,000 death robots, Toydaria will be free to join the Republic.

After bravely fleeing the obligatory opening space battle, or star war if you will, Yoda quickly sets about causing tens of millions of dollars in property damage by luring a bunch of droids into an ambush of his own, killing them all and orphaning countless toasters and Roombas throughout the galaxy.

Eventually the sadistic little goblin is forced by the superior numbers of the droid army to retreat, though not before doing some serious Force showboating. Employing a typical Jedi tactic of hiding in a cave, Yoda uses the Force to make snap judgments about the character of his three Clone troopers, which apparently inspires them to use a rocket launcher on some offending rocks later on. Take that, rocks!

In the climactic battle scene, Yoda proves once and for all that he shouldn’t be on a disability pension by almost singlehandedly dispatching the remaining droid army, saving King fly monster and cheating in a fight with Asajj Ventress by stealing her lightsabers. Thankfully, she escapes moments before Master Yoda can eat her intestines with his demon teeth (see below).

Overall, an action-packed episode to kick off the series with some exciting set pieces, classic Battle Droid jokes and a clever escape from Asajj Ventress, though not much in the way of storyline.

Score Sheet:
Jedi Deaths: 0
Darth Vader Moments: 0
Disgustingly "feel good" scenes: 2

Rating: