An office far, far away Episode 5

"First Impressions"

Follow the continuing adventures of Duke, the new guy, as he tries to make it in the office of an evil Empire. So, pretty much every office, anywhere.

Go to Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4.

Click to enlarge:

Words: Robbie Boland
Art: Kristian Aus

Priceless 2

Building a Death Star: $7 trillion.

Annual Wages: $960 million.

The look on Leia's face when we destroyed Alderaan: Priceless.

Worth It

The following video is in no way related to Star Wars or the great deeds of the benevolent Galactic Empire. In fact, it may even stop a few of you from turning to the Dark Side out of happiness.

It was totally worth it.

Brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

One Giant Leap

So, Watson the Artificial Intelligence program designed by IBM won Jeopardy! against Brad Rutter and Ken Jennings, two of the all-time best contestants humanity had to offer.

One small step backwards for man.

One giant leap for Terminatorkind.

 Ken Jennings has seen the future, and it is Skynet.

Happy (Belated) Valentine's Day

Cool lightsabers are red

Lame ones are green

I gave you my heart for Valentine's Day

Kidding! It's Qui-Gon's spleen.

Take It Down A Notch

Charlie Sheen lecturing Lindsay Lohan on impulse control is like us asking the Nazis to take it down a notch.

DRUNKHULK: Behind the Bottle

Incredible, angry, inebriated, Twitter’s Drunk Hulk is many things to many people but with 70,000 followers, one thing’s for sure: he’s inarguably one of the best reasons to be on Twitter. Death Star PR speaks to the tragically misunderstood loner, who, yes, occasionally has a few anger management issues, to discover the secret to his success.

DSPR: Drunk Hulk, thank you for agreeing to shout at us. A lot of superheroes have yet to embrace social media. Why did you start tweeting?
DH: DRUNK HULK BEEN DO IT FOR YEARS ON BATHROOM WALL! BUT DRUNK HULK REALIZE THAT SOME PEOPLES NO USE BATHROOM! SO DRUNK HULK THINK IT TIME REACH OUT TO NEW AUDIENCE!

DSPR: You’re always up to date with current events and pop culture. How do you manage to stay so drunk yet keep your giant green finger on the pulse?

DH: DRUNK HULK TAKE IT TO STREET! DRUNK HULK OUT THERE WITH PEOPLES!

OTHER THAN THAT! DRUNK HULK READ LOT! FOR INSTANCE! DRUNK HULK JUST READ STORY ABOUT GIRL WHO SLEEP WITH TIGER! BIG DEAL! DRUNK HULK SLEEP WITH COUGAR ALL TIME AND YOU NO SEE DRUNK HULK BRAG ABOUT IT!

ALSO READ ABOUT HOW SCIENTIST WORRY ABOUT THIRD HAND SMOKE! HOLY CRAP! HOW MANY HAND DO SMOKE HAVE!?

DSPR: We just heard about the Oscars. Apparently they have disappointingly little to do with being a cranky garbage monster. Care to explain them to someone from outer space?

DH: HELLO OUTER SPACE ALIEN THING! SINCE YOU JUST GET HERE ON PLANET EARTH! IT IMPORTANT THAT YOU UNDERSTAND OSCAR! BECAUSE EARTH LAW AND CUSTOM NO IMPORTANT WHEN COMPARE TO OSCAR!

BY THIS POINT! DRUNK HULK HOPE OUTER SPACE ALIEN THING DESTROY HUMANITY!

DSPR: Any tips on winners? We need to know who to put our Galactic credits on.

DH: LET REVIEW NOMINATION!

THE FIGHTER! THE KING'S SPEECH! WOW! TWO UNDERDOG STORY ABOUT HOW BROTHER DO NOTHING BUT DRAG YOU DOWN! IF DRUNK HULK WANT SEE THIS STORY! DRUNK HULK READ ABOUT ALEC BALDWIN!

TRUE GRIT! LISTEN OSCAR! DRUNK HULK KNOW IT HABIT! BUT JUST BECAUSE COEN BROTHER MAKE MOVIE! NO MEAN YOU GOT NOMINATE IT!

INCEPTION! DRUNK HULK LIKE THIS MOVIE! BECAUSE DRUNK HULK SEE SOMETHING NO EVER SEE BEFORE! LIKE PART WHERE CHARACTER ENTER GIANT PLOT HOLE INSIDE GIANT PLOT HOLE INSIDE GIANT PLOT HOLE! IT LIKE JOE ESZTERHAS AND M.C. ESCHER MAKE MOVIE TOGETHER!

BLACK SWAN! DRUNK HULK WAIT LONG TIME FOR GOOD DARIO ARGENTO MOVIE! SAD PART IS! ARGENTO NO MAKE IT!

THE KIDS ARE ALL RIGHT! REALLY! WITH THAT SPOILER IN TITLE! WHY DRUNK HULK CARE TO SEE THIS!?

127 HOURS! FOR SERIOUS! WHO GOT TIME TO WATCH MOVIE THAT LONG!? DANNY BOYLE NEED EDITOR!

THE SOCIAL NETWORK! DRUNK HULK WORRY BOOKFACE MAKER GET REVENGE! AND USE BOOKFACE DATA TO MAKE MOVIE ABOUT EVERYONE ELSE ON PLANET!

TOY STORY 3! HEY KID! YOU NO OLD ENOUGH WATCH SCHINDLER LIST!? THAT OKAY! PIXAR REMAKE IT WITH TOY JUST FOR YOU!

WINTER'S BONE! MORE LIKE WINTER BORE! HA!

DSPR: Having had a TV show, two films and countless comic books chronicling your adventures, you’re no stranger to celebrity. How do you cope with fame?

DH: THAT EASY!

FAME! DRUNK HULK LIVE FOREVER! DRUNK HULK LEARN HOW FLY! HIGH! DRUNK HULK FEEL IT COME TOGETHER! PEOPLES SEE DRUNK HULK AND CRY! FAME!   

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT!

This brilliant cartoon was drawn by BECK. For it and many others based on Twitter wit, go spend a few hours on his blog: http://newtoonsontheblog.info/

DSPR: As a green-skinned, 7’6”, 1,150lbs monster with a drinking problem, the media often portray you as a bit of an ogre. Is there more to Drunk Hulk than meets the eye?

DH: HOLY CRAP! DRUNK HULK WEIGH THAT MUCH!? HOW COME NO ONE TELL DRUNK HULK!? AND NOW EVERY ONE KNOW BECAUSE OF YOU! THIS IS WORST INTERVIEW EVER!

IS THERE MORE TO DRUNK HULK THAN MEET EYE!? YEAH! APPARENTLY DRUNK HULK SO HUGE THAT NOW NEED SPECIAL AMBULANCE TO GO TO HOSPITAL!

WHAT BUMMER! DRUNK HULK ABOUT 50 POUND AWAY FROM BE VICTIM ON MAURY POVICH SHOW!

DSPR: Complete this sentence: “The angrier Hulk gets, the stronger he gets. The drunker Hulk gets…”

DH: APPARENTLY! MORE FOLLOWER DRUNK HULK GET!

DSPR: So, what’s next for Drunk Hulk? A book deal? Repelling a Skrull invasion? More beer?

DH: DRUNK HULK GOT BOOK DEAL! IT WAS BUY ONE BOOK GET SECOND FREE!

OTHER THAN THAT! SAME OLD! SAME OLD!

DSPR: Finally, at the risk of being thrown in to outer space, we have to ask… how do you tweet with such gigantic fingers?

DH: VERY! VERY CAREFUL LIKE!

DSPR: Drunk Hulk, thank you for your time and for not being so drunk you couldn’t answer our questions.

Follow @DrunkHulk and check out the man behind the monster’s blog at http://www.puffchrissy.com/.

on eggs and egg-heads

Yes, this post has a lot to do with eggs and other related stuff, viz chickens and egg-heads.

But before we develop this plot further, please don't get misled into thinking that this is a copy-pasted slice of text from a journal on evolutionary biology which ought to begin with "Which came first, the chicken or the egg?" et al. This is not definitely not so. Though chickens and eggs form a very important part of this discussion, this very surely does not intend to border on text-book subjects that refer to the same. Any violation of the above intent (or lack of intent, thereof) is sorely regretted.

--

boiled eggs. They don't look so nice here in the mess, but. So what.

Eggs. It would be a horrific understatement to say that I love eggs. My affection for eggs surpasses many of my other worldly affections, which include ... umm ... let's chuck that. Anyways, right since my tryst with eggs began, back in the days of nursery school, when my mum used to wield a plate of water-poached eggs in front of my face .. till the present haggling over the mess counter, "bhaiyya, do ande ka egg-rice" my relationship with this wonder-oval has been, a very happy one indeed. Maybe I am a day too late, but, I am ready to make the egg my valentine this year without batting an eyelid.

Eggs are ubiquitous.  It's the first thing a human baby learns when he reads about "ovals". It's the one thing that the cuckoo so conveniently lays in the crow's nest. Also it's the one shape that Hercule Poirot's head so nicely resembles. Look around you and presto! examples galore.

Back home, eggs had always meant a lot to me and my family, thanks to the numerous improvisations that my mum used to conjure up in her kitchen. Now in college, though the variety which I used to indulge in back home has vanished, the egg still manages to bring a smile to my lips and replace that otherwise  menacing frown which results when one enters the mess.

Indeed. Would you rather have the stupid aloo-sabzi concoction made even more disgusting with the dal that resembles jaundiced camel piss when you could rather ask the egg-guy to graciously dish out a nice double omelette for you? 'course not. Hell no!

Which takes me down me memory lane into the shady corners of RB mess last year. On second thoughts, no, RB mess rocked.

I was initially very confused when it came to taking mess extras. Yes, I am the sort who gets very bewildered when he's faced with a new situation. Though, I eventually emerge victorious ( :P ) I take my time. So on the very first day that I saw a huddle up around one counter in the mess, my curiosity got the better of me and I dared into the unruly throng who were beating about the counter with steel plates. I did not catch exactly what they were saying, but there were loads of "ek ande's" and "do ande's" flying here and there. "Andes are never bad" I said to myself, and ventured in. Five minutes later, I was having the best omelette that I had had in the past few weeks.

that's a tomato omlette. We don't get that here. But then again, so what.

After a few days of omelette, the egg fanatic in me demanded poached eggs, and I went to the same counter and said, "bhaiyya, do ande poached".

I wish I hadn't uttered that. The egg-guy gave me a look of utter incomprehension. As if I had just asked him what the Navier-Stokes equation was and why it was still unsolved. It took a few seconds, and a few more stifled chuckles from all around before a kindly third yearite explained, "Dude, I think you should be asking for fried eggs."

I was baffled. Fried eggs? Poached eggs sound so much cooler. You fry stuff like potatoes, vegetables. You fry fish. Frying eggs would bring eggs down to the level of all these things. It would be demeaning eggs and showing utter disregard for the lofty stature in the hierarchy of food items, that they so rightfully deserve and occupy.

A trifle peeved, I muttered the required insult, and in a few moments, was sitting amidst my friends and wingies, gloating over my new found indulgence. A poached double egg. And in the course of conversation, I unearthed an eye popping truth.

No one seemed to know what poached eggs were. No one that is, except for my GoodOldBongFriend who, like me, was having trouble believing that the situation was so. We were throughly dumbfounded. We sat and ate like a couple of baffled bongs ... hell, we WERE baffled bongs. And silently passed snide comments about our ignorant countrymen. I am sorry if I sound racist or regionally prejudiced, but I just can't help it.

A few more days passed, when more truths were unveiled. Though they were far less eye-popping than the previous one. My KungFuPanda Tambram sidey confirmed that poached eggs were to us, what Bullseyes were to them. Now when he said that, I did remember seeing or reading about bullseyes. But I also remember "ewwww-ing" when I had heard of it for the first time, and had wondered how such a beautiful delicacy could be in any form of human logic be associated with the gross eyes of a bull. Maybe jaundiced bullseye would have at least gotten the colour right, but as they say, logic is one thing that humanity lacks.

Moving on. Three semesters passed, meandering through tests, classes, lectures, fests and of course, a lot of omlettes, plates of egg rice, fried eggs, hard boiled eggs, and egg bhujji. Till I rediscovered something in my second year, that drew a nice grin on my otherwise bong visage.

The liquid yolk.

The yellow liquid yolk of the egg. Which is another way of saying, life seriously rocks.

This very awesome egg-guy in VKB mess. What he does is, half-fry eggs, without turning them over, so that the upside remains liquid-y, yet just enough cooked to remain free of the H5N1 virus. Actually no. But it's a risk worth taking.

Now there's a way of savouring every delicacy. With half-fried eggs, with the sunny side up, it is as follows.

fried / poached / bullseyes. Call it what you want. It kicks ass.

Eat away the white albumin part, without spoiling the yellow thing in the middle. Because, the yellow thing in the middle : that's the show stopper. That's the real deal. the white part is the general rag-tag band performing. The yellow is the Led Zeppelin. The final performer. What everyone's been waiting for.

There are several ways of enjoying Led Zep. You can head bang to Whole Lotta Love. You can come drunk and stay dazed with Kashmir. Or you can just sit and delve in to the melodious realm of Stairway to Heaven. So it is, with the egg yolk. You can either

• a) sublimely deliver a smooth cut with your spoon parallel to the top surface of the yolk. And revel in the yellow as it oozes out onto your spoon. Or 
• b) you can hack at the egg with the spoon, holding it perpendicular to the top surface of the yolk, and drive it right into it. Like a stabber who has no knowledge of using a knife. And then sit back and enjoy the yellow as it flows onto your plate.

I am sorry if that invoked anything gross in my dear readers' minds, but it does explain stuff really nicely.

OK, I am too dazed after giving birth to this metaphor. The labour pain is very high. So I shall quit now, with some lines from the Beatles.

I am the eggman, they are the eggmen.
I am the walrus, goo goo g'joob.

Become a Jedi in 10 Easy Steps

Forget midi-chlorians. Being a Jedi is so easy anyone can do it. In fact, some of you may already be a Jedi and don't even know it yet. Just follow these 10 simple steps:

1) Buy a bathrobe. Wear it everywhere.

2) Grow a beard.

(Note: Optional for most lady Jedi.)

3) Don't have sex ever again. Ever.

This should be easy once you're sporting the "bathrobe and beard" look, and even easier if you've already memorised the complete technical specifications of the Millenium Falcon or are the type of person who corrects people's grammar on Twitter.

4) Tell everyone what to do. All the time.
As a Jedi, you should give people advice on everything, whether they want it or not. The key here is to be sanctimonious at all times and keep in mind that you can never be wrong because everything is right "from a certain point of view".
(Note: Works best when paired with no. 5)

5) Be a hypocrite.

Like most religious orders, the Jedi have a strict moral code. It's important to remember that although everyone else should live by the rules, you personally should only follow them when it's convenient. Is cheating bad? YES. But not if you need to win at dice. Is using a Jedi mind trick to make someone do something against their will totally morally reprehensible? OF COURSE. Unless you REALLY need to get something for free off a struggling small businessalien on a backwards desert planet. Is killing people the path to the Dark Side? TOTALLY. Except if they're bad guys.

6) Cut off people's arms.

Just about any reason will do: whether someone accidentally bumped into your friend in a bar or kind of attempted to kill you a little bit after going to the Dark Side, any time is a good time to whip out a sword and just go NUTS on some limbs. Oh, and don't worry: it's not against the law because you're a Jedi. You ARE the law!

7) Live in a complete dump.

Although an out of the way cave in the desert or a hut in a swamp is best, just about any pig sty or student sharehouse will do. As a Jedi, you're above material possessions, or interior decoration, or showers.

8) Be an underachiever.

As someone in possession of amazing magical powers that enhance your physical and mental attributes to levels most people could only dream of, the best thing you can do is to spectacularly underuse them. Sure, you could Force Run at super speed to save your friend and mentor's life (like you did earlier in the movie), or Force Push the bad guy away from your friend while you're patiently waiting behind your force field but why bother? You deserve some you time.

9) Be a bad friend.

Jedi train their whole lives to avoid emotional attachments. Including friendship apparently. So although you'll give off a wise good guy vibe, you'll also have no problems lying to your friend about whether his father is still alive, avoid mentioning the fact that the hot chick he's rescuing is actually his long lost sister, or even cutting off your best mate's arms and legs and leaving him to burn alive in lava. You know, instead of saving him or sticking your lightsaber through his head and making his death mercifully swift and stuff.

10) Overstay your welcome.

You know how every time you have a party, there's always a few people who stick around long after everyone else is gone and just completely refuse to take any of the subtle hints you're dropping about wanting to go to bed? Well, the Jedi are like this but worse: even death can't stop them from coming back to "watch over" you... particularly during your most intimate moments.

Note: this list also works if you replace the word "Jedi" with the word "Hipster".

11 Reasons Why Bad's The New Good

Beside the great hair, chiselled jawline, rockhard physique, nerves of steel and the adoration of the masses, why does everybody grow up wanting to be a "hero"? Life is so much better when you're bad. Supervillain bad. Here are 11 reasons why it's good to be bad:

11) You get to be your own boss.

Nobody likes being told what to do or when to do it. As a supervillain, you get to choose your own pet projects and, more importantly, your own hours. If you enjoy a good sleep in, fine. Get to work on that moon-mounted nuclear missile battery after a late brunch.
Also, having lots of henchmen makes doing household chores a breeze.

10) Traditional black outfit is very slimming AND hides those pesky bloodstains.

There's a reason why bad guys always wear black and it's not symbolism: black hides the flab and the telltale DNA evidence in a way no other colour can.

9) You shouldn't judge a book by its black, hideously disfigured cover

These days the business world is all about style over substance. What you do isn't important, only how pretty you look doing it. Unfortunately, those who happen to have a horribly disfiguring facial scar or a robotic claw for a hand don't even get a chance to prove themselves.
Supervillainry, on the other hand, welcomes those with less than aesthetically "perfect" bodies. Indeed, it's those charming little physical imperfections that make a supervillain stand out from the crowd. And give them some excellent fuel for the "building a doomsday device" fire.

8) Plenty of opportunities to show off that maniacal laugh you’ve been working on.

Sure, they may look effortless but really good maniacal laughs don't just happen by accident. They take time and determination to create. If you're going to put all that effort into something, it's good to know it will be regularly appreciated.

7) Murder is a growth industry.

Everybody's going to die sooner or later, so you may as well make some money from it. Plus, we’ve all wanted to kill somebody at some point. Why fight it?

6) Own exotic animals, interesting architectural features and/or diabolical death traps.

Dog? Big deal. Dining table? So passe. Swimming pool? Yawn. Supervillains aren't bound by the traditional. While everyone else is keeping up with the Joneses, supervillains have encased them in carbonite and use them as decorative lawn fixtures. In an evil lair you can really let your imagination go wild. Want a swimming pool under a hidden floor in the lounge room filled with Gorilla/Sharks with shoulder-mounted rocket launchers, or a dining table that converts into spinning saws? Go for it!

5) Money is no object...

When you can steal it from banks using your TOTALLY FUCKING AWESOME giant mole machine. 'Nuff said.

4) Lots of available real estate for that secret base on the moon.

Cities become more and more crowded by the day. You can hardly kill anyone without some inquisitive do-gooder finding out about it and lecturing you about the "sanctity of human life" and the "law" and how experimental freeze rays are "bad". But not on the moon, or deep underneath an active volcano. Quiet, roomy, out-of-the-way locations are a steal to buy AND the perfect place to set up an evil lair.

3) It's good "brain food".

Any pimply-faced, snot-nosed 16 year old kid with magic powers, training from a creepy old wizard and a bunch of ragtag-yet-lovable misfit friends can ruin a lovingly crafted, intricately detailed and incredibly devious plan for world domination in seconds. But coming up with that unnecessarily intricate plan in the first place? That's the hard part. Not many people have the initiative and bravely visionary thinking required to change/take over the world.

2) You get to deliver some great monologues.

The monologue is a supervillain's turn to shine. With all eyes on them, the meglomaniac gets to show off their acting range and simultaneously prove just how smart they are by explaining the plan that, up until now, nobody else really understood. It doesn't get any better than that.

1) Being bad helps other people be good

a) Nothing makes a person happy like the endorphins you get from a good workout. If you think that's pretty good, wait until you feel the amazing adrenalin rush that comes with dangling headfirst over a pool of killer sharks with rocket launcher teeth.
b) Nobody ever heard of a hero with a sub-par nemesis. Only by having a truly evil bad guy can the hero be truly good. Which means bad guys bring out the best in people.
Still not convinced? Consider taking candy from a baby. A lot of people strangely seem to consider this as stealing from a poor defenseless being for your own self-gratification, but really, it's just being helpful: babies shouldn't eat candy.

 

 

New Tricks

You can't teach an old Ewok new tricks.

But you CAN make one taste delicious in a pot roast with preserved lemon, rosemary and salt.

Advice for Dictators #120

Riots continue unabated in Egypt.

President Mubarak and other would-be dictators take note:

This is what happens when you take Farmville away from people.

Training Wheels

Using the Force doesn't come easily to even the most powerful immaculately conceived chosen one. To be able to reach out with the power of your mind and Force choke/lovingly throat hug someone across the room takes time, effort and patience.

Thankfully, the satisfaction of a job well done makes it all worth it.

Strangely, Volkswagen are calling this rare home video footage of a young Darth Vader an advertisement for their new 2012 Passat.