War

War: what is it good for?

Resource acquisition, eliminating your enemies, blowing stuff up, feeling like a big man.

So, lots actually.

Exterminating People is FUN!

HEY KIDS! 

Do you admire completely remorseless, virtually unstoppable cyborg killing machines? Enjoy EXTERMINATING things? Ever wondered if genocide, universal conquest and domination were your cup of tea?

Well now, for only £199 you can find out for sure with the GREATEST TOY EVER INVENTED: Kids@Play's Ride-in Dalek.

With catchphrases like, "Exterminate all humans!", "We are the superior beings!", "Seek, locate, annihilate!", and the ever classic, "EXTERMINATE!" this battery-powered exo-skeleton means you're sure to be the life of any party.

Presumably because you will have successfully exterminated everyone else.

FUN!!!!

Death Star Facts #182: Admiral Colbert

Everybody knows the original Death Star had 15,000 turbolaser batteries, 768 tractor beam, or that it was 160km in diameter, but what's not so common knowledge is that the Death Star had a little-known predecessor: the Smile Moon.

When Emperor Palpatine decided to build a gigantic space station/super laser in order to protect the galaxy from evil planets, Darth Vader could think of only one man amazing enough to helm the project: Grand Admiral Stephen Colbert.

Colbert's imposing intellect, charisma and drive, as well as his hatred of the political left and his love of large amounts of money, made him the perfect choice.

Using the vast resources at his disposal, Colbert completed the project in record time. Unfortunately, it wasn't until Vader saw the completed space station for the first time that he realised Admiral Colbert had taken some artistic license with the project, moving it in a direction that the Dark Lord of the Sith did not feel was quite right for a gigantic doomsday device intended to spread fear shock and awe throughout the Galaxy.

The moment is captured for posterity in this portrait by Robert Thibeault:

Needless to say, Colbert quietly retired from public life in the Empire shortly afterwards. Some say he travelled to a distant, backwater world and achieved a level of mild success as the host of a late night news talk show.

See the rest of Colbert's portraits at the Colbert Nation website.

Never Look Back

Kids,

One important thing to learn in life is to never look back.

That's where all the monsters are.

on a first hour

now when you see things such as this, you know that somewhere down there, something is seriously wrong. With this in mind, proceed.

---


the alarm clock rings, it's 7 o'clock

and mefeels much like Socrates drinking hemlock.

for in an hour's time I would be

sitting and dozing in a class called MuPee.

Oh, for the non-BITSian reading this,

and wondering what on earth MuPee is,

MuPee is a health hazard and I am guessing,

it stands for Microprocessor Programming, and Interfacing.

Oh ye first hour, ye heartless soul!

do you really know how much you take your toll?

Nah, I know, you really do care.

Just as much I do about what Lady Gaga wears.

which reminds me, why do I attend thee?

when I would rather be dreaming about a chocolate tree?

But still I do, I'll never know why

just like why Harry Potter had a bowl of rye.

Not that he did, but he always could have,

just like the modern day driver who's using SAT NAV.

So back to the first hour, and the issues it raises

most of which to us, is what land is to water-barges.

For one it involves, getting up early

and then brushing all those teeth to make them white and pearly.


now yes, I know that sounded lame.
But you do know that the poem itself is the same.


now while brushing your teeth you need water,
which for us in winter, is like a colony of ants facing an ant-eater.


(... phew ...)


so once done with this initial ordeal,
one takes out his time table with absolutely no zeal.


oh, for the winter, and the warmth it begets.
when one is snuggling cosily under two blankets!


alas, those are, but dreams forever lost.
much like the woolly mammoth and the summer frost.


the journey to the mess is always fraught
with much hesitation for the student distraught.


for the food that is available there,
is reason enough to cause despair.


but when the tea is hurriedly drunk
he who wakes up gets a scalded red tongue


and all your hopes of cursing and swearing,
bite the dust with quite a lot of hair tearing


the trip from the mess to the bloody FD
is always rowdy, and seldom speedy.


and once, with trepidation, you reach the class,
the only thing you can utter is a throaty 'Alas!'


for there stands the teacher, grinning with spite
and waving white sheets with diabolical delight


the agony lasts for minutes fifty
after which the siren sounds, very very thrifty.


So up we get, and scurry back to our rooms,
perpetually dirty they are, for we don't have brooms.


and upon reaching, into our beds we dive
and shut our eyes for the time we are alive.


for death is near, and while I won't go that far,
for those will be chronicled in "on a third hour".

--

thank you Nickspinkboots for the truck-loads of inspiration.

Mercy

Nicole Polizzi, aka. "Snooki" is a New York Times bestselling "author".

Earth:

We don't normally do mercy killings but in this case we're willing to make an exception.

In George We Trust

George Lucas thinks the world will end in 2012 but what does HE know?

It's not like he invented a giant planet-destroying laser or anything.

Or like he has enough money to build it even if he HAD invented one...

Commuting

If you're commuting to the Death Star this frosty Wednesday morning, make sure you tune in to...

166.6SITHFM:

All Imperial March, all the time.

Healing

To the Rebel Alliance:

How about we STOP arguing over who blew up which planet or ruthlessly assassinated what religious order and START healing?

This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

10 Things We Hate About Luke

Sure, Luke Skywalker is a terrorist and a Jedi but there are loads of other reasons to hate him. Here are ten of the best: 

1. He's an orphan.

Orphans are scary. Despite coming from broken homes and suffering from tragic pasts, these parentless kids always seem to discover that they're the one prophesied to realise some "noble" destiny involving destroying somebody's really carefully made plans by using magical powers they learned from some creepy old wizard guy who's secretly been "watching over" them their whole life.

2. He's always whinging about something.

Whether it's not being allowed to join the Rebel Alliance, or having to go to Tosche Station to pick up power converters, or having his  adoptive parents brutally killed and then flame grilled by Stormtroopers, the kid manages to find the negative in any situation.

3. He has amazing magical powers...

And he doesn't do anything cool with them. Sure, he makes C-3PO levitate to impress a bunch of mutant teddy bears and can do some pretty sweet jumps but why doesn't he crush them all with the power of his mind, or even just mentally untie the ropes that bind him? How come he can't do a simple Jedi mind trick on a giant space slug, or block Palpatine's Force lightning with his lightsaber like EVERY SINGLE PERSON did in the prequel trilogy?!

4. He has poor personal hygiene.

He goes swimming in trash compactors, sleeps in the hollowed out carcasses of tauntauns and, worst of all, spends much of his time living in swamps being ridden by a crazy old goblin. There is nobody in the galaxy who needs a bath more.

5. He got a medal for killing 1.3 million people.

For a "hero", Luke doesn't seem particularly racked with guilt as he walks up to receive his shiny gold medal for blowing up the Death Star 1, killing its 1.3+ million employees. Ummm.... did we miss something here? Everyone gets all judgey when we blow up a few evil planets but this guy gets a medal? Did he even try opening a dialogue or using an aggressive pamphlet-dropping campaign first?

6. The Force will be with him... always.

Apparently there is a BAD kind of killing people that makes you automatically turn to the Dark Side and a GOOD kind of killing a whole crapload of people that is OKAY by ghost Jedi and their midichlorian friends.

7. He wears black.

This is against all the rules of appropriate film costuming and is therefore confusing and wrong. EVERYONE knows good guys always wear white and bad guys always wear black. Here is an instructional pictograph we made to help illustrate the point:

8. He's not a good son.

When Darth Vader tells Luke he is his father, this should be a joyous moment for the younger Skywalker, who finally has a chance to get to know his old man. Unlike a lot of other deadbeat dads, Vader offers to spend quality time with his son doing fun father/son activities like ruling the Galaxy. Luke, of course, declines.

9. His feelings for his friends are strong. Especially for... sister.

Everyone in the Galaxy knows that Luke's feelings for his sister are a little more than brotherly. Want proof? They kissed. And Luke liked it. Want more? Name any other hero in the history of cinema who goes THREE MOVIES without a love interest. Luke is just waiting for Han to slip up and then BAM! He'll slip right in with the old "I'm your brother, I just want to support you" routine. Luke Skywalker? Try Luke Slywalker.

10. He doesn't know a good deal when he sees it.

Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine both offer Luke a chance to co-rule the ENTIRE FUCKING GALAXY. To be clear, this entails lots of money, three personal chefs and your own personal parking space on the Death Star for your executive TIE Fighter. Luke says no. Seriously, who does that???

Cookies

We're sure by now everyone has heard the Dark Side has cookies. Well it's true. Just look at this picture:

Just in case this wasn't enough proof for you, Foodbeast (in conjunction with the ever-more powerful LucasFilm licensing department, who will one day rule you all), have released the ultimate word in moon-sized doomsday weapon/coffee jars:

To buy the jar and donate more money to George Lucas, go here.

An office far, far away Episode 4

"Orientation, Part 2"

Follow the continuing adventures of Duke, the new guy, as he tries to make it in the office of an evil Empire. So, pretty much any office, anywhere.
If you like it, leave a comment/reaction below. And tell all of your friends about it too. Because if you don't, well... we do live in a giant laser, after all.

Take me to: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3!

Words: Robbie Boland

Art: Kristian Aus

[Apologies for the delay between episodes - the words guy was a bit busy with a new baby. We now return to our regular fortnightly schedule.]

Vote

Please do the Galactic Empire a solid and vote for us by clicking the image below.

We don't want to influence your decision in any way but remember: a vote for us is a vote for us not destroying your planet.

Twinkle

Twinkle, twinkle, little Death Star

How I wonder where you are!

Up above my world so high?

Oh no, you're blowing up my sky!

Creepy

In other Doctor Who related news...

Congratulations to the tenth Doctor on his engagement to his daughter, Jenny...

That's not totally creepy...

At all...

Bad Guy

Dear Doctor,

If EVERY alien on EVERY world you visit is "evil" and "has to be stopped", then we've got news for you: 

YOU'RE the bad guy.