An Open Letter to Google re: the "Fictionality" of Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine

Dear Goo,

Can we call you that, Google? You seem like the type of innovative multinational IT-based corporation who is playful, easygoing and enjoys a good nickname. We're writing to you because over the weekend you made a horrible mistake, Goo. You suspended Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine's Google+ accounts because you believed them to be "fictional" characters. We find your lack of faith disturbing.

You can’t just arbitrarily decide to cancel a REAL PERSON’S social networking page without even telling them about it or giving them an opportunity to defend themselves first. That's not fair. It’s not like blowing up a planet, after all. 

You know Goo, for some reason a lot of people (like TIME Magazine) have called Darth Vader "fictional", despite the fact that he's been in SIX BIOGRAPHICAL MOVIES AND A TELEVISION SHOW, plus countless books, comics and video games. You can find replicas of him in almost EVERY TOY STORE ON EARTH. Does that really sound like a "fictional" character to you?

What does it even mean to be "fictional" in this day and age of carefully constructed public personas, plastic surgery and media manipulation? Don't we all choose to represent ourselves in different ways to those around us, changing chameleon-like to suit our context? Do any of us really even know the "real" us? Do you know the real Gyougle, Goo? Aren't we all just "fictional" characters in the end? As Shakespeare once said, "All the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players."

What happened to you, Goo? Who hurt you? Did you unexpectedly have your heart broken by a really Hot Young Lady Search Engine who left you for a more brooding, buffer, Bad Boy Search Engine in Search Engine High School, thus making it difficult for you to trust others? Because we'll be honest, you seem to be constantly searching for something. Something you won't find by tearing down the happiness of others, just to make them as miserable as you feel.

Should they just LIE and change their names to Dan Vader and Eugene Palpatine instead (as suggested by Scott Oldfield)? Is that what you want? Do you really want to create an online culture based on lies, where people regularly pretend to be somebody they're not? What a horrible world that would be to live in.

Maybe it's discrimination. Maybe you don't want Darth Vader and the Emperor to have an account on your precious little social network just because your slogan is "Don't be evil" and they're "evil wizards" who "took over the Galaxy" and "murdered" millions of people. Because if you're going to use "evil" as the basis for your decisions, then we can probably all agree that you'd better start by cancelling Dane Cook's account first.

On that note, how is it that the FRIGGING Hogwarts Sorting Hat, SEVERAL Lord Voldemorts AND Chewbacca still have their Google+ Profiles? Answer us that, Google. Oh, that's right, you can't, because you're a corporation. Did you know that makes YOU a fictional entity of sorts too? No, you probably don't, because you don't even have a brain or a mouth.

Or could it be that you have something against Sith Lords? Is that it, Google? We thought people had moved beyond religious discrimination in this day and age, except against the Jedi, which is totally acceptable. Doesn't your informal corporate culture extend to people who enjoy wearing a plush velour robe to work and who have different belief systems to your own that involve frying the very occasional subordinate with Force lightning? For shame, Goo. For shame. Is that really the Google we've bonded with and come to think of as a good, nay GREAT, friend during the countless hours we've spent searching the web for funny videos of people hurting themselves? Of course it's not. Don't be that search engine, Goo

Perhaps it's just that your recent affiliation with Androids has led you to be prejudiced against cyborgs. Don't get us wrong, androids have their place. Usually that place is poncing about in a black and gold unitard and wanting to become human. But can't you see that cyborgs are people too, Google? Well, mostly human. Okay, AT LEAST 42% human.

Finally, if you can't find it in your cybernetic heart to be swayed by the infallible logic and wild accusations contained above, then we're afraid we're going to have to bring out the big gun: litigation. We hate to bring up the whole copyright issue but the truth is, you owe a LOT of your success to us. Clearly the idea for Google+'s "Circles" comes from Darth Vader's classic line, "The circle is complete." 

 

Does this "Circle" look familiar to you, Google?

And don't even get us started on Google Chrome...

 

So finally, Google, remember that the Force surrounds us, binds us, and can also be used to Force choke us from great distances if we get on the wrong people's bad side. Isn't it funny that "Google" even sounds a LOT like "Gurgle", the last thing most people say when they're being lovingly throat hugged from across the room by a caring Sith Lord? What a strange coincidence that is, right Gurgle Google? Haha. Ahaha. Oh, we have such fun together, don't we Goo?

We trust this will help you make the right decision and restore Darth Vader and Emperor Palpatine's Google+ accounts immediately. Otherwise you might find your planet becoming "fictional" by the weekend.

Warmest regards,

The Death Star PR Team.

on Harry Potter

The year 2000.

I still remember that day, when my father presented to me a paperback version of a certain book called 'Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets'. I also remember, how after reading through the first few pages (the first chapter was called The Worst Birthday, I recollect ) I had closed the book and kept it somewhere and ... well, yes, had stopped reading it. It made no sense to me. It seemed all too imaginary and hocus-pocus for me after the fairly more realistic and less-fantastical Enid Blytons and Tintins, that had been my constant companions and sleeping partners for the past few years. (yes, don't you raise eyebrows now. flying chairs and gnomes and pixies were less fantastical than a jet of green light that killed people, or so I felt back then)

Now, however, when I look back on that day, I can only have a good laugh at the thing that was me twelve years back.

Yesterday marked the end of that era of my life that had begun on that day in the year 2000. An era that had begun in utter distaste, an era that had grown to become an inseparable part of my childhood and teenage years and an era that I feel blessed enough to have lived through.

There have been sagas and chronicles before, in English literature, as well as in English cinema. The Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, The Pirates of the Caribbean, et al. Some of them are even, better than Harry Potter, I would dare say, from an absolute scale of reference.

But something set Harry Potter apart, right from its conception. Something made the child wizard connect with us. Something about Harry Potter, about Hogwarts, about Ron Weasley, about Hermione Granger, about Albus Dumbledore, about the rest of the Wizarding community. Reached within us. Identified with us. Something that Luke Skywalker and Obi Wan Kenobi, and Princess Leia couldn't do. Something that Frodo, Gandalf and Bilbo Baggins couldn't do either.

I guess, one factor that made it special was how the story of Harry's life unfolded with that of our own. It was as if Harry Potter was one of us. He was eleven years old when the story began. We were of a similar age too, when we started reading the books. His schooling went alongside our own. He matured with us. 

This was something that neither Luke Skywalker, nor Frodo could do, for absolutely no fault of their's, mind you.

Was it just this?

Hell no. Harry Potter reached out to an audience far expansive than just children of a particular age group. It appealed to the young, and to the old. To the housewife, and to the college goer. To the busy corporate, and to the archaic grey haired armchair stereotype.

Why was this then? Was it the story? Was it J K Rowling's mastery with the pen? I guess we'll never know. Also, it doesn't matter much, even if we do. It definitely wasn't the finest literary work ever. But then again, it was far superior from being just another work of literature, or so I feel. It was a new world that J K Rowling created, that merged seamlessly with the world of our own. A world that stared at us from the 4000+ pages of print. A world that drew us in, like a vortex, in a manner that no other fantastical world had ever drawn us before. And a world that left not one stone of doubt unturned and not one loose end before it dropped us back to reality.

Yesterday, as I sat through the final installment of the epic series, I cried like a little boy. The wilderness of feelings that gushed through my mind; through my self; through my body. Seemed choked by the sheer constipation of my ability to express them. I scarcely have felt more emotionally tugged before. As scene after scene rolled past in front of my eyes, all I could do was sit and stare, stunned to the very core.

To quote a certain review. The movie was "monumental cinema". It  had everything that one would want. Nothing more, nothing less. It invoked every little bit of every possible feeling that one can muster. The sorrow that stuns you when you see Dobby's grave; The rush of adrenaline when the Hungarian Ironbelly breathes fire right at you; The overpowering sense of elation when Harry Potter returns to Hogwarts; The revelation of Snape's past, and his unconditional love for Lily Potter that blows your mind; The outburst of reverance when Minerva McGongall steps forward in the Great Hall. Oh man, this list goes on. The surge of new found respect for Neville Longbottom when he confronts Voldemort; The sheer finesse of Molly Weasley when she finishes off Bellatrix Lestrange, shouting, "Not my daughter, you bitch!" And the final flourish of triumph when Harry Potter "resurrects" himself and ... the final duel ... and the epic expression on Voldemort's face when he realizes that his wand is no longer under his control.

The movie has it all. It reaches deep within your soul; reaches places you don't know exist, and scours for every iota of feeling, and hunts them down. Personally, it is as if, someone had dipped me in liquid nitrogen and then hit me with a sledgehammer. Yes. That was the feeling. An inexplicable mishmash of wonder, shock, sorrow, and jubilance, (thought I doubt being hit by a sledgehammer while frozen makes you jubilant, but you get it, right?) It is something that no one can do justice by writing about. Needs to be experienced. First hand.

I really have nothing more to say about Harry Potter. I've been one of the millions who have stuck with Harry right from the beginning, till the very end, and I'm proud that I have.

And is this the end? Definitely not. The story may have ended, but the spirit of Harry Potter lives on. The voice of Dumbledore "Help shall always be give at Hogwarts to those who ask for it" and his reassuring smile; the undying spirit of Fred Weasley. The bravery and awe-inspiring courage of every Auror who sacrificed his life. The spirit of Sirius "Padfoot" Black. The character of Severus Snape, "the bravest man of them all". And Neville Longbottom. For being the ideal Gryffindor. In spirit and in action.

I should end this now, lest I get more emotional. I can only thank Ms Rowling for everything. It's been one helluva ride. And we've enjoyed every second on it.

To you J K. We all owe you one.

a collage of some of the posters featuring most of the major characters. (click to enlarge and see in greater detail)

Jacob French's Troopertrek: An Imperial March With A Difference

Stormtroopers are usually known for their unerring accuracy with a blaster rifle and for their heroically brave murdering of the Jedi, but 501st Legion ("Vader's Fist") member Jacob French is making a name for himself with a different kind of Imperial March.

French is walking the length of Australia solo on a "Troopertrek", from Perth to Sydney, a journey of some 5,000km (3,106m) in an attempt to raise $50,000 for the Starlight Children's Foundation, a charity designed to lift the spirits of seriously ill children.

To complete the grueling journey, Trooper French plans to walk 35-40km per day, five days a week, pushing a 50kg (110lb) buggy containing his supplies, all the while wearing his armour. Along the way, he will cross the dreaded Nullarbor Plain, a stretch of Tatooine-like desert 1,100km wide.

Don't let this Stormtrooper miss his target. Donate at Jacob French's website now.

This message brought to you by the "Death Star Cares" initiative.

Images via Huffington Post.

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Image via Dr. Pete.

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Alderaan: A Retrospective

Alderaan. The "Shining Star" of the Core Worlds, a peaceful planet of unparalleled beauty, rich cultural heritage and a long, proud history dating back more than 30,000 years. And yet, somehow the name has become synonymous with explosive, fiery destruction. One year on, Death Star PR takes a completely objective look back at the "Alderaan incident", at what we've lost and what we've learned, in a quest to finally uncover the truth.

 The mountains of Alderaan. Probably.

What we know
Let's start with the cold, hard FACTS. Alderaan was (almost definitely) a planet that (allegedly) existed. There are many (probably not faked) photos. At some point, for some reason (discussed below), it ceased to exist in its more well-known planetary form in the spatial location it was previously renowned for being found at.

 Alderaan: You don't know what you've got till it's gone.

What may have happened that day
From scientists to conspiracy nuts to "eyewitnesses" who were "actually there", everyone seems to have a different theory on what "actually" happened to Alderaan.

Many scientists have suggested that Alderaan may have spontaneously combusted. "Oh yes," said Professor Iluff Scyeenze, "planets do spontaneously explode all of the time. It has to do with complex gravitational forces combining with a freak build up of magma beneath the planet's mantle, as well as loads of other scientific things like exothermic reactions and the parallax effect and... umm... carbohydrates."

Another strong possibility is an unexpected strike by a huge meteor, as seen in documentaries like Armageddon with Bruce Willis.

Was this man responsible for riding an asteroid into Alderaan? We're not saying he is, but can you prove he isn't? 

More likely, however, is that Alderaan was disintegrated when it was hit by a wayward paragraph of gigantic floating yellow text, a tragic tale that has become all too common in recent years. But where exactly do these unstoppable monolithic paragraphs come from? What do they want? Are they, perhaps, some kind of expository message to us from an unknowable, unfathomable creator? For now, the answers to those questions remain a mystery.

A photograph of one of the rogue paragraphs, taken by one of the few to survive an encounter.

A small minority have even suggested that the benevolent Galactic Empire used the Death Star's superlaser to destroy Alderaan as a demonstration of the Empire's firepower, designed to frighten the Rebel Alliance into submission. Well, just about anybody can suggest anything. Maybe it was accidentally eaten by a gigantic star turtle carrying four giant elephants on its back, who in turn carry some kind of disc-shaped world on their backs. Maybe a giant space bird flew off with it. Or MAYBE it was just a "special effect" made for a "movie" using "computers" and Alderaan never really existed at all.

Who's to blame?
Assuming Alderaan did exist and was blown up? Terrorists. There's a lot of things we don't know in this crazy, mixed up galaxy we live in but one thing's for sure: terrorists are always to blame for explosions.

For years, the Rebel Alliance have been waging guerrilla warfare against the Galactic Empire, constantly disrupting our valiant attempts to bring peace, order and security to the galaxy (even if we have to very occasionally use extreme violence, oppression and fear to do it).

 Grand Moff Tarkin surveys a totally unconnected asteroid field.

Although the Rebel insurgents haven't claimed responsibility for the attack, and indeed have quite vehemently and consistently stated that the Empire is to blame, the reality is that there would be no wars of the star variety or otherwise if the Alliance simply gave up. They won't, of course. They're only too eager to risk your lives for their own selfish ends. Said Eeval Tehryryst: "We're fighting to free the entire galaxy from a ruthlessly oppressive totalitarian dictatorship led by two evil wizards." See? Selfish.

Hypothetically speaking
From a purely hypothetical, non-committal, just throwing it out there kind of a place, if Alderaan did explode and if we did it, which we are in no way suggesting is actually the case, then it would definitely have been totally, unequivocally justified.

 What the Death Star laser might look like if it was fired at Alderaan. Which it almost definitely wasn't.

If the Galactic Empire did, for example, use the Death Star's gigantic superlaser to turn Alderaan into the galaxy's newest meteor field, it would only have been to bring peace to an entire galaxy. A galaxy filled with literally thousands of planets, and possibly to teach a certain uppity Princess a lesson. Are people really going to miss one? After all, doesn't the good of the many outweigh the needs of the few (billion)?

Tarkin, Leia and Darth Vader share a laugh during some father/daughter bonding/abduction time.

Simply put, if Alderaan did get blown up by the Galactic Empire, it was the Rebellion's fault. But even if it turned out that there was some kind of "video evidence" that "proved" we were "responsible", the chances were that we were just test firing the laser when Alderaan shifted its orbit in front of it.

Final thoughts
In all of the discussion of the "horrific tragedy" that (allegedly) befell Alderaan, aren't we all forgetting something? Did the (alleged) destruction of Alderaan really happen to the Alderaanians? After all, you don't hear them bringing it up very often. Isn't it fairer to say that Alderaan happened to all of us? For it is we who must march bravely onwards, valiantly struggling to put behind us/forget completely what (may or may not actually have) happened on that fateful day.

And doesn't that make us the real heroes, in the end?

Yes. Yes it does.

The Greatest Star Wars Game You'll Never Play

If you've ever wanted to command a fleet of Star Destroyers as they bring freedom to the Galaxy by blowing up Rebel fighters, or take the role of an entree-based Rebel Commander and skillfully guide your fleet into yet another trap, this is the video game for you. Except it isn't, because you'll never get to play it.

Arthur Nishimoto's Fleet Commander was developed at the University of Illinois at Chicago's Electronic Visualization Laboratory (EVL) and runs on a 20-feet wide 16 megapixel LCD multi-touch wall.

The exceedingly kick ass looking multiplayer game, "explores how a real-time interactive strategy game that would typically rely on complex keyboard commands and mouse interactions be transferred into a multi-user, multi-touch environment."

Fleet Commander is able to use all of the Star Wars ships and sounds because it was made for a student project, which means none of us will ever get to play it.

Enjoy.

Via Topless Robot (via Kotaku).

10 Terrifying Things Doctor Who Can Teach Us About Humanity's Future

Doctor Who isn't just a documentary about the most evil being in the galaxy and how he constantly goes to other people's worlds and mercilessly kills them when they were just trying to go about their average Tuesday. It also teaches us a lot about the future of humanity and all of the wonderful things you will do. Okay, not really. Mostly it just shows you how terrible it will be for you all.


Here are 10 terrifying things Doctor Who can teach us about Humanity's future:

10. You'll all turn into LOLcats

Show us a person who hasn't spent hours of a Saturday night trawling the internet for pictures of cats with funny captions, LOLing at the antics of those aptly named LOLcats and we'll show you a person who hasn't lived, loved, or LOL'd. Unfortunately, they won't seem so funny when you become one in the year 5 billion and 23 (New Earth). To really add insult to injury, you'll be forced to wear one of those flying nun habits. But whatever you do, DON'T THINK ABOUT HOW THE CAT/PERSON RACE GOT STARTED. Oh, you already are? That's a shame, isn't it?

9. Plastic surgery will get even worse

If you think that the current Hollywood trend for everybody to get so much plastic surgery that they gradually turn into the cat people mentioned above is a bit disturbing, or Mickey Rourke's twisted, inhuman visage turns your very soul to ice, you're probably not going to love the distant future. Because The End of the World shows us that in the year five billion you won't need boob jobs or tummy tucks. You'll just need your face, some skin and a nice picture frame to put it all in.

8. Reality TV will become even more popular

If you're one of the few people tired of the 47 "different" versions of The Horrible Housewives of Someplace Terrible, are sick of trying to Keep Up With the Kardashians, and wish that global warming would just hurry up and wash away the Jersey Shore, there's good news and bad news. The good news is, you have a brain. The bad news is, there's going to be loads more reality TV by the year 200,100. In Bad Wolf/The Parting of the Ways, there's an entire Satellite devoted to beaming out reality TV. What's truly terrifying about this is that it says humanity will STILL be watching Big Brother and The Weakest Link 200,000 years from now. Maybe we should just bring the Death Star over right now and end your suffering.

7. Pretty much everything inanimate will come to life and it will hate you

Doctor Who is filled with stories of inanimate things coming to life and deciding immediately to devote their lives to destroying/enslaving/feeding on humanity. Shop mannequins (Rose), television sets (The Idiot's Lantern), statues (Blink), and even satellite navigation systems (The Sontaran Stratagem), though upon reflection that last one probably isn't very surprising. So basically, unless you plan on living out your days in a cave in the middle of nowhere, you should probably expect a battle to the death against your household appliances some time in the near future.

6. Holidays will be a really bad idea

We know you're thinking to yourself, "Hooray! In the future I'll be able to jump in a space ship and fly to exotic and interesting locales and meet strange and wondrous alien life forms and have adventures and things!" Well you're right, you will definitely be able to do all of those things, except for one teeny, tiny little problem: every single alien on each of those worlds wants to kill you. On some of those worlds, like the crystalline resort planet Midnight (Midnight), you don't even get to see the thing trying to horribly murder you, it just crawls into people's brains and mimics you until people get annoyed and throw you from the shuttle.

5. Say goodbye to human evolution

The Doctor has been to the furthest corners of the universe, and even the end of time (Utopia) and back again, but no matter where he goes one thing remains the same: people. No matter where he visits them, or what time period he finds them in, humans always look exactly the same as they do in the 21st Century. Too bad, humanity. You may spread out across the stars like an unstoppable spaceship delivered super STD but you'll never develop that prehensile tail or those totally sweet gills Kevin Costner had in Waterworld.

4. YOU'RE the bad guys

"Whaaa! We've been victimised by evil aliens again! Boo hoo!" Oh, poor Earth. While it's true that, yes, the very occasional space monster does try to kill or enslave you all (see below), the reality is that you're going to do far worse to them. You see, in the future you're going to colonise countless worlds throughout the universe, doing to them exactly what every colonial power did to every indigenous culture on Earth: kill them, take their land and resources, then "give" them small amounts of their land to live on while robbing them of their rights for their own protection. And because you're feeling extra nice, you'll also "give" them really cushy slave labour jobs. See: the Ood (Planet of the Ood, The Impossible Planet/The Satan Pit).

3. Earth will be constantly invaded by evil aliens

Is there anything better than a lazy Sunday morning? A nice sleep in, bacon and eggs with coffee from the cafe down the street, followed by an hour or two curled up with a good book. Aaah, that's the life. Or it used to be. Because in the future, your sleep in will be being up early running for your life, bacon will be Daleks (Every Second Doctor Who Episode Ever), eggs will be Cybermen (Every Third Doctor Who Episode Ever), coffee will be Sontarans, the cafe will be a reality bomb and the book will be YOU EXPLODING. Because if there's one thing that Doctor Who consistently teaches us, it's that Earth is a magnet for every single bastardous alien in existence. Three quarters of the time they don't even come to Earth for any particular reason except just to mess with you. Which is actually fair enough, really.

2. You won't get to marry Amy Pond

Yes, she's your dream woman. Yes, you feel a special unspoken bond because of that time her hazel eyed gaze pierced the camera, shot out through the television set and locked onto yours in an expression of love that surely no two other people could possibly share. Well get in line, buddy. Ms. Pond is already spoken for by Rory Williams. Yes, the guy with the nose. Even worse, there's no point even contemplating trying to kill him to get him out of the picture, because the guy literally cannot die. No, wait, he literally dies all the FRIGGING TIME (Amy's Choice, Cold Blood, The Curse of the Black Spot, The Doctor's Wife [twice!]), but don't get your hopes up, because he KEEPS COMING BACK.

1. One day you'll all be tiny Death Stars

In Utopia, the Doctor, Captain Jack and Martha travel to the end of the universe in the year 100 trillion. When they get back to the present (The Sound of Drums/Last of the Time Lords), they find that the Master has taken control of earth with the help of the Toclafane, six billion tiny little Death Stars. It turns out the Master has converted all of the remaining humans at the end of time into incredibly bloodthirsty cyborg death spheres and brought them back using a Paradox Machine so they can kill everyone in the present (namely, you). Actually, six billion tiny Death Stars sounds pretty good. So at least there's that to look forward to, right?