Wednesday, July 13, 2011

the message

If there is one thing that I have gained after seven weeks of summer internship, it is the sound knowledge of the working of Eastern Railways and the Kolkata Metro. This story is a direct culmination of all that knowledge. Also, pardon my Hindi if in some places it is incorrect. (Update : many thanks Vishala Arya for the corrections :P )


--


"Poroborti station, Belgachia. Platform dan dike."
"Agla station, Belgachia. Platform, dahine taraf."
"The next station is Belgachia. The platform is on the right side."

Rajat looked up from the magazine he was reading as the automated voice sounded over his head. He gave an exasperated groan, and cursed the Kolkata Metro announcements to himself. A 40 minute trip from one one terminal station to the other, spanning the whole of Kolkata from the south to the north, fraught with annoyances such as cackling automated female voices and sweaty co-passengers, wasn't the sort of start he had been expecting to an internship. Also, he had missed the new air-conditioned metro by a whisker, and that added to his present miseries.

As the train reached a standstill, it struck him, that his destination was now only a few minutes away, so he should better ready himself if he wanted to make the most out of the rush when the sliding doors gave way.

With a lurch, the train pulled away again, and Rajat nearly toppled to one side as he tried getting up. Clinging onto the handlebars, and cursing under his breath he steadied himself on his feet. And simultaneously, the automated female voice cackled once more.

"Shesh ebong prantik station, Dum Dum. Platform baa dike."
"Agla aur antim station, Dum Dum. Platform, baai taraf."
"The next and terminal station is Dum Dum. The platform is on the left side."

Rajat heaved a sigh. There, that had to be the last of them all.

He looked around. The crowd had thinned considerably. He had been praying and praying that it does. Seeing the exodus of passengers into and from the train at the stations in central Kolkata, he had remained mortally scared of his turn at Dum Dum.

Needless to say, Rajat wasn't the type of person who had frequently availed of public transport during his twenty odd years of his life in this city. He had remained confined to the luxuries of air-conditioned private cars, and rarely would one see him taking a bus or an autorickshaw. At worst, it would be a cab.

He looked out of the windows. It was still as dark as the insides of a blue whale. He had seldom been on the metro, but whenever he had, he had never travelled to the Dum Dum terminal where the new extension of the track made it come up to the surface and then travel in broad daylight. That was one little thing he was looking forward to. The transition from the darkness to the daylight, and how it happened.

A vibration in his right pocket brought him back to his senses, and he heaved a sigh realizing that he had once again come within the usual network coverage of his mobile service provider. The intermittent availability of the network throughout the boring 40 minutes of journeying in the underbelly of Kolkata had given him yet another thing to crib about. 

He took out his phone and noticed that it was a text message from a friend, Sup it read. At work? 
On the way. Shit crap this thing, he replied, and looked out of the window again, wondering when exactly would he start feeling the ascent.

And then suddenly, there was light all around. He frowned. That's it? The thing just goes out from darkness into light? Without any funny feelings in your tummy. On second thoughts, what else would have happened. I really shouldn't have expected something like a roller coaster here.

The train had now slowed down. It was drizzling outside, and the spray from the window wet his shirt. He moved away from the windows and approached the door.

A few more minutes later, the train pulled into the station. And once again, the now murderous-feeling-inducing automated voice was back

"Jatrider onurodh kora hocche, je ei prantik station e jeno garir kamra khali kore dei."
"Yatriyo se anurodh kiya ja raha hai ki is antim station par gaadi khaali kar di jaye"
"Passengers are requested to completely vacate the metro at the terminal station."

And the train gave a final lurch and stopped. The doors slid open and the customary rush ensued. Rajat went with the flow and soon found himself on the platform. He looked around, clutching his bag close to his self, before swinging it around and straddling it on his back. He knew that now he had to make his way to the railway station at Dum Dum. He looked around and fortunately saw a big red sign showing the way down the stairs to the same. This close, huh. All good.

The scene at the railway station was chaotic. It had all the attributes of the usual Indian railway station, random filth scattered in random places, malnourished and half naked children sleeping in front of the counters. Beggars and decrepit old men lying neglected. An involuntary shudder went down Rajat's spine as he made his way and stood at the end of the queue at the ticket counter. Thankfully enough, the queue was moving pretty quick and it was within a minute or two that he had bought a two way ticket to Agarpara, his intended destination. Dropping a coin in the pleading hands of a woman in tatters, he made his way to the platform. Credits for afterlife, he smiled. He did not look it, but actually was extremely religious and believed in doing good things to people in return of a grateful smile from them. Doesn't hurt. Does it?

On the stairs up to the platform he stopped at yet another blind old man, and dropped a coin into his steel bowl. On the platform however the scene was healthier. Passengers flocked around. Some aimlessly strolled smoking bidis. Quite a few of them were on the tracks, cutting across it, instead of taking the overhead bridge in their haste. A lungi clad person who was standing a few feet away was making weird facial gestures and holding a glass of what appeared to be water in his hand. Rinsing his mouth, Rajat realised, when the person squirted out the contents inside his mouth onto the track.

He looked around. A few hawkers lined the side of the platform: magazine stalls, tea stalls and the sort. He walked up to the magazine stand and the latest copy of the Top Gear magazine caught his eye. He grinned. Not so bad after all. He turned away and looked at his watch. The next train, the Barrackpore Local was due in less than 5 minutes. He resumed his aimless strolling, checking his watch at regular intervals.

Soon enough, the green and yellow electric locomotive was in sight. It was approaching the platform quite steadily, blaring it's horn now and then. And another cackling voice, and this was far worse in tone than the mildly respectable one in the metro, blared from the loud speakers.

"Barrackpore Local arriving at platform number 1."
"Barrackpore Local arriving at platform number 1."
"Barrackpore Local arriving ar platform number 1."

Ugh. Rajat frowned.

The people who were cutting across the track scattered, and clambered up on to the platforms on either side, as the train lumbered in slowly. These oafs will die like this, Rajat grimaced. Much as he was cautious in most of the things that he did, he loathed cutting across railways tracks. What is the overbridge for then?


When the train had come to a halt, he heaved himself up and was relieved to see it almost empty. He went and occupied a window seat, two seats away from an old man reading a newspaper.

Accha dada, eita Agarpara jabe toh? (This train will stop at Agarpara, right?) he leaned to his right and asked him, just to reassure himself.

The person did not take his eyes of the newspaper, Haan. Duto station pore (yes, two stations from this).

Rajat heaved a sigh and leaned back, took off his bag and placed it on his lap. Shouldn't be a long journey, he thought.

The train had started moving by then, and it steadily kept putting on speed. A candy seller had boarded too, he noticed and he kept moving around, asking one passenger after another. He came to Rajat as well, and thrust his colourful lot of candies at him. Rajat turned him down and gazed out of the window. When was the last time I had boarded a local train? He couldn't recollect. But he was more than glad that this one was not crowded, like the ones he usually saw at level crossings - local trains with people hanging onto the doors. Like bats. As he would say.


The next station was Belgharia. The train halted there for a minute or two before lurching off again. Rajat yawned. He had been up all night watching the Champions League Final. A disappointing game, for the Manchester United Fanatic that he was, and had thus lost most of this night's sleep. He wished he was home, happily snoring in his bed. Curse internships. He muttered.

Dada, time ta koto holo? (What's the time?)
He turned around and saw a young man looking at him and pointing at his watch.

Showa Nota. (A quarter past nine) he replied. He took out his phone and whiled some time away playing some random games, till he noticed that the train was slowing down again. Realising that this was Agarpara, he got up again, and headed for the door. An old woman sat huddled, on the edge, who peered up at him when he arrived. Rajat frowned again. What's with the fascination for edges?!


A few others flocked around him, all readying to disembark. The train kept rolling, slowing down with every passing second. The impatient passengers leapt off the train and hurried away. Rajat rolled his eyes. Won't ever learn, will they?

It was a few seconds later, when the train had come to a halt, that he jumped off, and looked around. He had to reach platform number 4, and then take a rickshaw from there, he had been directed. Reaching platform 4 would mean taking the overbridge. He glanced down, along the platform and saw one some feet away.

He started walking towards it. The platform he noticed, was far less crowded than the one at Dum Dum. The hawkers and stall keepers however were the same. His eyes wandered around at the colourful advertisement bill boards. There was a new Raymond's showroom at Agarpara, and they were giving 20% discount. He read the Bengali script slowly. He had studied Bengali for twelve long years in school, and still found reading Bengali to be a challenge.

The train had started moving again. He glanced at it, as it slowly moved out of the platform. The old woman was still huddled on the edge of the door, and was looking at him queerly. For some reason he kept staring at her, till his ringing phone made him break away his eye contact.

It was his mum.

Hullo? Yeah, I've reached, ... yeah, am okay. Bye!


He dropped his phone into his pocket, and turned around once again to catch that old woman. She had gone forward by quite a distance. However, he could still see her, and the hair at the back of his neck tingled when he realised that she was still staring at him. There was something she wanted  to convey. He didn't know what.

In fact, he would never know what.

The next thing he knew a metal rod had sliced through his body. He fell down. His phone dropped upon the platform and split open. People around him gasped and rushed to lift him up.

It was too late.

--

Twenty odd kilometers away, Anindita stood outside her house, and locked the door. She looked at her husband.


Rajat's reached. Says he's ok.


Her husband nodded. You told him to collect the key from the darwan when he returns? As it is, we won't be done by then. We'll be late.


Oops. Hang on, will tell him, she called his number, and frowned. Says coverage kshetra se bahaar hai. (says that it's outside network coverage)

Network problems. Send him a message then.


Yeah Ok.

--

This story is a work of fiction. But it is based on a true story. Check this : http://www.ndtv.com/article/cities/four-killed-in-freak-accident-at-aligarh-junction-113485

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Another Open Letter to Beloved Hollywood Actress Natalie Portman

Dear Natalie Portman,

We trust you’ve been well since we last wrote to you after the birth of your son. The first few weeks of parenthood are a wonderful, crazy, sleepless time that can be difficult for some, but if anyone can handle it, it’s you, Natalie Portman. The woman who starred in no less than three blockbuster movies (very well done, Natalie, inspiring stuff) in the same year that she gave birth to her first child is surely capable of anything.

Congratulations are in order once again. After months of thought spent endlessly agonizing over the perfect name for your son, you’ve chosen “Alef”. What a beautiful, lyrical (and can we say magical? Well, you can’t stop us, Natalie Portman. MAGICAL.) name, which in no way reminds us of “Alf”, that annoying wisecracking alien who ate cats.

All of us here on the Death Star were incredibly thankful when we heard you’d made the decision not to go with “Luke”, mostly because this significantly decreases the chances of us eventually getting blown up by a Luke in the not-distant-enough future, but also because “Luke” rhymes with “puke”, which can lead to some really unfortunate bullying at school. You are incredibly wise to avoid that sort of future heartache, Natalie Portman.

But THEN we heard that that “Alef” apparently means “Oneness with God” in Hebrew. We looked up this God character of yours Natalie Portman, and although we really enjoyed his first book “The Old Testament”, it dawned on us that what you refer to as “God” in your galaxy is what we know as “the Force” in ours.

Which means you’ve actually called your child “One with the Force”. Which means he will one day become more powerful than we could possibly imagine.

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT, BELOVED HOLLYWOOD ACADEMY AWARD WINNING ACTRESS NATALIE PORTMAN? WHY?!

We’re sure it was simply a minor oversight on your part, Natalie. Not that we’re suggesting a woman of your intellect, charm and acting ability is capable of mistakes. But even the best of us overlook things at times, like forgetting to shield a small thermal exhaust port in your otherwise impenetrable Battle Station of Doom. Err… that one’s just an example, Natalie Portman. Just forget we mentioned that, please.

You strike us as a very moral person and you’ve stated repeatedly that you’re against war, which is great, because war is a terrible thing, Natalie. And Star Wars? Urgh. Those are the WORST kind. We’re sure you have no interest whatsoever in watching your beautiful baby boy grow up, only to eventually watch him blow up more than a million probably innocent people.

So please, beloved Hollywood actress Natalie Portman, don’t bother teaching your son about the ways of the Force. Otherwise before you know it he’ll be levitating the family car and chopping all of your carefully constructed IKEA furniture in half all the time. You don’t need that kind of hassle in your life, Natalie. After all, on top of being probably the world’s best mum, you still have an incredibly successful acting career to pursue.

Yours admiringly,
The Death Star PR Team.

P.S. If a bearded man in a brown bathrobe ever comes looking for you and offers to “train” Alef, just say NO. We have it on good authority that he only wants to show your son his lightsaber.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Bad Guys

Han, Leia and Luke deaths caused by Stormtrooper: 0.
Stormtrooper deaths caused by Han, Luke and Leia: 176,442.


Sorry, who are the bad guys again?

200 Reasons


Ke$ha has written 200 songs for her new album.

We like to think of them as 200 reasons why your death by explosion will be a merciful one.



This message brought to you by the Death Star Cares initiative.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Autobots Are Dicks: A "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" Review

Michael Bay's Transformers: Dark of the Moon is here, bringing with it the promise of unparalleled Autobot propaganda, 36 solid minutes of things walking and/or exploding in slow motion, and enough happening on screen to make you feel like you've been molested by a giant robot having an epileptic fit, while in a blender that transforms into another, even more giant molesting robot.


In an effort to counter the Autobot spin, we recount the film and present an unbiased view of events. Be warned: spoilers and logic after the jump.

TDotM opens with an extended trailer for the Transformers: War for Cybertron video game. In the last days of the war, Autobot leader Sentinel Prime invented "the Pillars", technology that would end the war once and for all but his ship, the Ark, is shot down by Decepticons. It crashes on the dark side of the moon, which is apparently right next to Cybertron, sparking the 1960's space race.

Sixty years later, the Autobots are working with the American military to protect humanity from itself, which here means murdering the Middle Eastern parts of it. When we first see the Autobots, they're infiltrating an Arabian military checkpoint disguised as a diplomatic convoy. The moment they pass the gates, they transform and begin heroically killing the unsuspecting guards, thereby totally and utterly negating the point of being in disguise in the first place.

Megatron and the remaining Decepticons are cleverly hiding from the Autobots in the one place nobody would ever think to look for a giant robot that can disguise itself as whatever vehicle or mechanical object it wants: right out in the open in the middle of the African Savannah, where there are, you know, no vehicles or giant robots whatsoever.

Back home, Sam Witwicky (Shia LaBeouf) is ANGRY! because he can't get a job, despite having saved the world twice already before. We know this because pretty much the entire first hour of the film is devoted to everyone in the entire movie talking exclusively about how Sam can't get a job.

As with most unemployed people, Sam's life is TERRIBLE. He is forced to live in a well-appointed two storey loft with his new ridiculously hot, nice, driven, (apparently) intelligent supermodel girlfriend Carly Banks (Rosie Huntington-Whitely). WORSE, the Autobots are too busy to even talk to poor old Sam anymore. Except for the two comedy relief bots who live with him for no reason. Even WORSER, Carly works for McDreamy (Patrick Dempsey), a (clearly evil) charming billionaire playboy accountant, which is apparently a thing.

Possibly because they've killed everyone in the Middle East, the Autobots travel to Chernobyl, Russia, where they discover a fuel cell from the Ark. Then Shockwave, a Decepticon with a giant robotic Dune sandworm penis, attacks them with said appendage, because hey, if you've got it, flaunt it.

Surviving the close encounter of the penis kind, Optimus returns to the USA OptiPISSED, because the US Government has been hiding knowledge of the Ark the whole time. He very maturely does an "I can't hear you" routine with No-Nonsense CIA Boss Lady (Frances McDormand) before eventually going to the moon anyway, recovering Sentinel Prime and the five remaining pillars.

Oh, FYI the pillars form a "space bridge" that can instantaneously teleport things like large amounts of Decepticons or, say, planets, from one end of the galaxy to the other. Remarkably, it can even transport plot points directly from other iconic science fiction franchises, as this is literally EXACTLY THE SAME evil plan the Time Lords had in Doctor Who's The End of Time.

Meanwhile, Sam has found a job in the mail room of Some Company Inc., run by John Malkovich playing Charlie Sheen on the drug Charlie Sheen playing John Malkovich in Being John Malkovich. Decepticon whistleblower Community's Señor Chang turns up and drags Sam into a bathroom stall to tell him Chang knows THINGS about the Decepticon master plan, WHICH IS FUNNY BECAUSE JOHN MALKOVICH THINKS THEY HAD GAY SEX! CLASSIC!

At this point, presumably because he is incredibly bored of waiting for the action to begin, Laserbeak (literally the only Transformer in the movie smart enough to remember he is a transforming robot who can transform himself into different things, like a photocopier [hey, nobody said they were GOOD things]) gives up on the whole secret plan thing and tries to kill Sam, as well as pretty much everyone in Sam's office.

Before Sam (now joined by John Turturro and Alan Tudyk doing a funny accent because apparently Michael Bay thinks that an accent and characterisation are the same thing) can warn the Autobots , Sentinel Prime turns to the Dark Side, kills Ironhide and activates the pillars, using them to teleport all of the Decepticons to Earth who've been hiding on the moon for the last 60 years waiting for their cunning and incredibly drawn out plan to come together.

And no, if this really was the Decepticons plan all along, they couldn't have saved a lot of time and done it in either of the first two movies because shut up.

The Decepticons quickly and efficiently take over Chicago, make a huge number of gargantuan gunships and assorted other Decepticons appear out of nowhere, get McDreamy to kidnap Carly and have the Autobots exiled into space via rocket ship, which, in a move everyone saw coming, they promptly blow up. OH NO, the Autobots are dead! Sentinel Prime fires up the pillars again, this time planning to bring Gallifrey Cybertron through the pillars to Earth.

The US military can't even get close because their planes get blown up the second they approach the city, which leads Lt. Colonel William Lennox (Josh Duhamel) to come up with what might literally be the most insanely stupid plan in the history of everything: enter the city using WINGSUITS! Which are TOTALLY COOL. And are also, you know, nowhere near as fast, heavily armoured, or armed as any of the planes the Decepticons just blew up.

Sam decides to make his own way into the city to rescue Carly with the help of his new friends, a bunch of plucky (but actually surprisingly cowardly) ex-soldiers who all apparently chose to be paid in heavy artillery instead of money when they left the army.

Sam & Co are about to be put out of everyone's misery by a Decepticon when SHOCK TWIST! Optimus and the Autobots return. Optimus explains that it was their plan all along to pretend to leave Earth, so that the people of Earth understood that Decepticons could not be trusted. Meaning, and this cannot be stated emphatically enough, the NOBLE LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS LEFT EVERYONE IN CHICAGO TO DIE IN ORDER TO TEACH EARTH A LESSON.

This commences the one hour (literally) action sequence portion of the film, during which: Sam totally blows the Autobots' chance of a surprise attack by selfishly rescuing Carly; Sam and Carly get trapped for 20 minutes in a skyscraper while Shockwave molests it with his giant robot penis; Optimus transforms into Flying Optimus™only to get tangled in ropes. For at least 15 minutes. Which he needs the Wreckers to help him get out of. Despite the fact that he: a) is a ridiculously strong giant robot; b) is made of at least 4,907 incredibly sharp pieces of metal; and, c) CAN TRANSFORM INTO AND/OR CARRIES A WIDE VARIETY OF EDGED AND PROJECTILE WEAPONRY.

Ultimately, the pillars are destroyed and Cybertron is sucked back into the vortex from whence it came but that still leaves Optimus to get his ass horribly kicked by Sentinel Prime, losing an arm in the process. That is, until Megatron is convinced by Carly (who has never met, seen, or assumedly even heard of Megatron prior to the moment she sees him, but somehow manages to completely understand his nature and skillfully manipulate him anyhow) to help kill Sentinel.

Megatron saves Optimus' life, basically defeats Sentinel on his own AND then offers Optimus a truce. Optimus repays all of this incredible kindness by doing exactly what you'd expect the heroic, noble and wise protagonist to do: he rips out Megatron's head and spine. Sentinel is crawling away when Optimus catches up to him and, despite pleading for his life, executes the elder Transformer, shooting him in the head point blank with a shotgun, execution style.

Roll credits.

So, just to recap, the movie ends with Optimus Prime BRUTALLY MURDERING TWO TRANSFORMERS IN COLD BLOOD.

You should see this movie if: you enjoyed Transformers 2, like giant robots, explosions and one hour action sequences.

You should not see this movie if: you are in any way a fan of logic, character development, or CGI-light films.

Friday, July 1, 2011

What exactly has Google+ stolen from Facebook?


This is going to be a quickie. A vent of sorts to all that is bubbling within me.

What exactly has Google+ stolen from Facebook?

  • the concept of friends? And family? That too from Facebook? Really? Because Facebook never really understood the difference between the two, like ever. Google+ apparently does.
  • the concept of sharing? Right. I did that with food in my kinder-garden.
  • the concept of photos and tagging? *YAWN*
The more serious ones.
  • notifications? At first glance it's exactly like the Facebook thing. But a second glance, and whoa. There's the Google ingenuity staring at you in the face. What Facebook first brought into social networking - the notifications thingy ... it has remained the exact same thing to date. Excepting a few minor changes like clubbing multiple notifications into one, and positioning it from right to left, Facebook has never really improved on it. What Google has done is transform it  into something so much more awesome. You can access it from any Google service, and can even do mini-Google+ ing in the small window that pops up. Also, Facebook had three irritating notifications for friend requests, messages and general notifications. Google+ has just one.
  • the 'like' as +1 ? Facebook's 'Like' evolved from a means to say "i approve of this status or photo" to simple sharing all across the web. You liked a page on the internet. That got shared on your Facebook feed. That is just simple sharing. Google Reader, StumbleUpon, Digg, Reddit ... had all been there, done that. And did Mark Zuckerberg really think that he would have a copyright over a simple English word like ... 'like' ?
  • tagging? Letting a person know that he's been mentioned somewhere? Wasn't it Facebook who stole the exact same thing from Twitter in the first place? Where was the hue and cry of "not original" then?
bonus : What exactly has Google+ stolen from Twitter?

I personally love Twitter. But yes, what is there to steal from it? The concept of followers? Hullo. Jesus Christ and the Buddha have had their followers. So have a thousand people before them. The concept of "following" is too old to actually be considered plagiarism from the 2000s. Nothing new there!

What has Google+ not stolen from Facebook?

This could go on for ages. 
  • The epic Google chat : that's like a slap on the face of Facebook chat.
  • Circles == sheer awesomeness. Because every person whom you know is not necessarily your friend.
  • Hangouts. This is the sheeez. \m/
  • Missing Facebook events? Check the top bar -> Google Calender ftw!
  • Document sharing? Google Docs ftw!
  • Videos? YouTube ftw! 
Isn't this like utter pwnage already? Wait there's more.
  • Photo Albums : Picasa ftw!
  • Mail : GMail ftw!
  • Google Reader for RSS -- ftw!
last but not the least :

Google Search FTW!

I mean. HOW is Google+ still a Facebook copy?

--

Well, one thing that Google has actually copied is possibly this.


Because, that's essentially what Google+ is.

Legen-waitforit-dary.


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

Lord Voldemort: Behind the Basilisk




With the Deathly Hallows Part 2 due to hit cinemas on July 13th, the impending death of Harry Potter to celebrate and the total domination of the world to plan for, Twitter’s one and only Lord Voldemort is one very busy evil wizard.


Thankfully, “He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Blamed” found the time to answer a few of Death Star PR’s questions about eternal life, taking over the universe and everything.





DSPR: Firstly, congratulations on being the first “fictional” character to pass 1 million Twitter followers. How does one celebrate such a momentous milestone?
LV: I would tell you but the celebration is revealed only to those who make it to this momentous milestone. Yes, Gaga, Britney, Bieber, NASA & I are all in the know about this secret. Like I said, I’d share; but horrible things tend to happen to people who try and enter my chamber of secrets when they shouldn’t...

DSPR: Speaking of Lady Gaga, she dresses crazier than Bellatrix Lestrange and calls herself “Mother Monster”, and Charlie Sheen recently claimed he was the world’s most powerful warlock. Are today’s celebrities just trying to ride on your cloaktails?
LV: It’s upsetting to me that people feel they can leech off of my fame. I know a thing or two about living off of someone else; I did live in Quirrel’s head.  Let me tell you; while unicorn blood is refreshing and quenches your near-death thirst, there is nothing better than living on your own. (Unless it’s seven of you living on your own in various places of course). These people need to find their own thing. Look at Cedric Diggory. He realized being yet another whiny, wizard, git didn’t work for him so he took up sparkling. Do I advise this route? No. But to each his own.


DSPR: People see your movie star good looks, plush velour bathrobes, exotic pets and all the other trappings of superstardom, and forget that you’re a self-made man. Has the road to success been an easy one for you?
LV: The road to my success was neither easy nor hard… it was non-existent. You don’t need a road to success when you can apparate to success; or, better yet, fly.

 

DSPR: Dumbledore was the yin to your yang, the beard to your clean-shaven look, the dead to your still alive. Are there any positives you can take out of that relationship now that he’s gone?
LV: Well, as you stated, Dumbledore and I were opposites. I plan on continuing our yin-yang relationship & fully embracing the being alive to his dead.

DSPR: Speaking of Dumbledore’s demise, it seems like Severus Snape has finally made himself useful. What are the best and worst things about having henchmen?
LV: Snape, Snape, Severus Snape. Dumbledore…. well Dumbledore never fully embraced the whole “henchman-are-useful” mentality. I like to think of them less as “henchmen” and more “evil groupies”.  I’d say the best thing about having Henchmen is the loyalty. You know, people like Wormtail are literally willing to give their right arm to serve me. Snape? Well that’s the kind of guy who would never, ever stab me in the back. I mean, there’s a better chance that Hagrid would become a professor than Snape betraying me. As if that would ever happen. The worst thing is that I started some kind of weird trend. Now every group feels the need to “name” themselves. It’s worse than the asinine “couple-naming” that people do.  My name is already ridiculous enough, I don’t need you adding to it. Now there are “Beliebers,” “Little Monsters,” “Smilers.” I think they should all group themselves together and form a new group. We can call them ‘dead’.


DSPR: Just between us, can you share any “Deathly Hallows Part 2” spoilers with us? Is that Harry kid finally going to get what he deserves?
LV: I think you’ll be surprised by the ending. They haven’t let me see it yet but I’ve been promised that it would be completely different than this “book” ending. One that reflects what REALLY happened. As you know from my previous interview, that “JK Rowling” character got into a bit of a tiff with me when I refused her advances. Suddenly I was “evil,” “couldn’t love” and she refused to even speak my name. Drama-queen. She really crucioed my patience so I’ve been promised that this will be a more accurate reflection of a wizard who knows how to make magic and loves playing with his snake. Wait…

DSPR: Between Harry “The Boy Who Lived” Potter being famous just for not dying and the cast of Jersey Shore being famous for being stupid, does it ever surprise you that there are still people out there who don’t want you to take over the world?
LV: It does. It really does. I mean, can anybody get famous nowadays? What happened to the good old days where you DIDN’T want people to say your name? I go around helpfully killing off stupidity faster than Bella Swan can kill someone’s patience and all I get is complaining.

DSPR: When it comes to magic, is it the materials of your wand or how you use it?
LV:
I mean, my wand is thirteen inches. I don’t need felix felicis to get “lucky” if you know what I’m saying. That being said, it’s definitely about how you use your wand but when I meet a special lady I’ll let her see what’s inside it…

DSPR: With the occasional attempted avada kedavraing of unaccompanied minors and assorted Muggles, wizards, etc, you’ve developed something of a “bad boy” reputation. Is that a fair assessment?
LV: Listen, I speak the truth (as well as sarcasm and parseltongue) and if that makes me “bad” then so be it. However, I can never be a bad “boy” as I’m not a boy. Really, if you think about it, I’m teaching a valuable lesson. Don’t want to be killed? Don’t suck. It’s as simple as that.


DSPR: Finally, you mentioned you speak parseltongue. Out of curiousity, do snake’s have anything interesting to say?
LV: My snake has a lot of interesting things to say. Ladies, if you’d like to know more, I’d be happy to introduce you some time.

DSPR: Lord Voldemort, it’s been an absolute pleasure talking to you. Thank you for allowing us to enter your chamber of secrets once again.